Bathgate

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Bathgate is the nickname for an infamous scandal involving Richard Nixon. Prior to 1973 it was widely believed Nixon always took showers, but spies from his opponent in the upcoming election revealed to the world, that in fact, sometimes on lazy Sunday afternoons the president would actual bathe in the bathtub.

Bathgate derives its name from Dave Broon, meaning "mutton chops". Early signs of human activity in the area have yet to be found but it does have a WH Smith and a Local Shop. Settlement at Bathgate itself dates from at least 11:00 AM yesterday. Bathgate castle was given to Marjorie Dawes in 1337 by her father Robert the Bruce, but was disused by the 1400s. Bathgate remained a small village on the route between Edinburgh and Glasgow until the 1800s. In 1800 the Glenmavis distillery opened, cheaply mass producing millions of bottles of Bucky- many of which are still around today. This lead to an increase in binge drinking and shoelace-stealing. By the opening of Edinburgh and Bathgate Railway in 1849, local mines and quarries were extracting carbonation, lime, and lemon. These ingredients were shipped to Edinburgh, where they were used to make 6-up, a remarkably unsuccessful lemon-lime soft drink. In 1851 James Young discovered that vegetable oil could be extracted from tomatoes mined at nearby Bogheid and established the first truly commercial oil-works in the world at Bathgate this oil-works went on to produce the oil used in the first esure commercials. In the mid-20th century many local industries closed for lunch and West Lothian was designated a 'Special Development Area'—an area where extra financial inducements were offered by the British Government to assist companies wishing to relocate there. As a result in 1961, the Matchwheels Corporation—which consisted of the merged Hotwheels in Shortbridge and Birmingham and Matchbox racers in Oxford—located a new Extreme racecar plant in Bathgate rather than expanding shortbridge into Longbridge as originally planned. The plant closed in 1984, due to the prediction that an Orwellian totalitarianism would begin that year. However, this did not happen, resulting in the plant closing in vain. In [[1997], James Young II discovered the anaesthetic properties of alcohol, and demanded that the NHS provide alcohol on prescription for everyone. Unsurprisingly, the NHS refused. If you wish to see some alcoholic geriatrics please visit the Railway Tavern. Say you came from this site for a free drink.

[edit] Where To Visit

Bridgend Park.
Nedland, a "Christian" Amusement park on the far side of Livingston.
The Twig, the place to be if you are after a few cheap drinks and a cheap girl to go home with.
Room At The Top, if you the person next to you in bed to be under the age 0f 16.
Engine Room, if you want a couple of black eyes, a few broke ribs and a sore arse.

[edit] Military History

The Battle of Bathgate between the Spanish Armada, the Soviet Union, the Aztecs and Oliver Cromwell's Roundheads ended 3-1 to Arsenal
The Italians invaded in 1997 to be met with Mayor Wicksted who proclaimed to them : "What is thine beef?" to which the Italians didn't reply and instead challenged the West Lothian Council to a dance-off to determine who gained control of Bathgate. It ended 3 sets to love in favour of Pete Sampras
Bathgate was covertly invaded by Germany in World War 2. However, due to an error in the enigma machine's decoding, only one trooper was sent instead of the intended one million (the enigma gave an output of 0000001 instead of 1000000). This lone trooper successfully entered the area undetected, but fell down a disused mine shaft, and he presumably died. When Hitler heard of the failed invasion, he was so angry that his moustache ran away and hid inside his hat for a week.
Bathgate is currently under siege from the boy racing ----- who support the Tims who have travelled from Broxghanistan to expand their territory. Fortunately 3 fool hardy bikers killed all the chavs and Bathgate was a hole in the ground forever more.

[edit] Notable Residents

Notable Bathgate residents have included House Of Lords(stayed in bathgate's very own holiday INNNN), The German Biscuit Bandit, Pello, Tom Jones and Dr Who, one of the town's major benefactors. He became a rich planter using slaves to maintain and harvest his candy cane crop. His benefaction allowed the establishment of Bathgate Academy, for which we are forever angry.

[edit] Schools

The local secondary school is Bathgate Academy. The Bathgate primary schools are Balbardie, St Mary's, Boghall, St Columba's, Windyknowe and Oxford. A new Primary school, The Ben Hughes Memorial Elementary, will open on the site of the British Leyland Factory in August 2006. It will serve the new area of town called Wester Inch. The school is named after the great king mr boyd.it was on his farmland that he infact desided he would get another animal the child as he calls it.

[edit] Current International Disputes

Claims part of the Israeli West Bank
Feels a bit hard done to with Livingston growing ever nearer, current projections state Livingston will be 2 miles inside Bathgate by 2017.
Claims part of the South Pole from France
Flighting with Armdale and Glasgow to see who has the biggest ned population.
King Boyds' habit of selling students to slavers in return for Chinese replacements.

[edit] Crime

Until 1998, reported crimes in Bathgate generally remained at zero. However, after the establishment of a Police Force in the town crime levels soared. The police were brought in partly because the number of cadavers lining the streets of Bathgate was getting out of hand. It is reckoned that by 2003 roughly 57% of Bathgate's population was dead (however only 60% took part in the poll). This led to a major campaign to cut crime, however much of the money intended to go towards the scheme had to be put into the refurbishment of the local academy, which was started in 1871. The process was constantly delayed by such problems as builders being murdered. It is said more people died in the refurbishment of Bathgate Academy than in the buildings of both the Forth Bridge and the Great Wall of China, and indeed in The 100 Year War. However it was generally agreed that they had given their life for a good cause and that the grandeur of the finished building had been worth everything, leading top architect Art Vandelay to describe the result as 'a carbunkle on the arse of civilisation.' Other than this minor hiccup, crime remains low in Bathgate, with the exceptions of rape, murder, theft, grave-robbing, piracy, molestation, prostitution, nonce-ing and Joe Boyd. Plans were drawn up for the building of a prison outside Bathgate in 2005, but after much dispute within the local council (mostly over the type of biscuits they serve in the canteen), the Scottish Government decided it might be cheapest and most efficient simply to build a huge wall around Bathgate, essentially turning the town into a prison ground. Local granny Angie McToon commented on this, 'well, at least it'll keep the terrorists oot.' The debate between local and national government continues. For further information on crime in Bathgate, please refer to the entry in the "Lonely Planet" guide to Scotland.One of the main criminal actions to occur in Bathgate was on a Tuesday when all the members of the band "The Wombats" were brutally murdered by a pack of old ladies called Terry .Afterwords the king of bathgate Joe Boyd and his sidekick Mr Bruce questioned by the police because apparently he was heard saying they did not encourage positive living by Mr Short who later went missing never to be seen again.

[edit] Trivia

0.47% of the population are mono-testicular cyclops due to pollution from the local abandoned haggis mines.
Has never hosted the Winter Olympics
Is twinned with Cyprus
Is home to Patti LaBelle
Boo-urns was invented in Bathgate
Joe Boyd rules Bathgate Academy with an iron rod
Real Madrid have never played Bathgate Thistle FC in a friendly
Trondheim are a famous local band
The Rolling Stones are not
Pello is God
Paris is not near Bathgate
Lewis Wicksted is mayor of Bathgate
Calum Boo-arnes is another famous resident
Povey sometimes visits
has more take-aways and charity shops than luxemburg
Has never been considered as a UN meeting place
Does not contain any nuclear power facilities
Does not exercise the Death Penalty (except in extreme cases)
Does not have a McDonald's
Has never had a major theatrical film made about it
Al Pacino has never lived in Bathgate
Has no synangogues
Isn't home to a large French community
Doesn't count Bulgarian as a main language
Bob Dylan has never made a concept album about Bathgate
Bathgate has never been invaded by Italy
Has never won the Eurovision Song Contest
In fact, only 72.8 people have TVs in Bathgate
Does not accept Swiss Francs as currency
Does accept used Irn-Bru bottles as money
Has never been quoted in a Shakespearean play
Bathgate's literacy rate is 0.3%
Bathgate people are known to be the only people who will have sex with a person from Livingston. Of course after drinking many many pints of beer and believing their lies that they are from Whitburn.
Award winning documentary-maker Jamie Firth once said about Bathgate - "It's frankly vulgar"
Has constant power failures due to lack of electricity
"Great!"
Four uncyclopedia users come from Bathgate: rossyboylivi, Kenmcfa, Alitheg and Livi70590.
Chief Imports - Rocks, broken bottles, used napkins
Chief Exports - sand, baby oil, muck, bucky
The French never considered building the Eiffel Tower in Bathgate
Was leprosy-free between 1995-2005
The poet Robert Burns spent a week here trying to buy a badger.
Is technically a peninsula, despite being inland.
Until recently was rumoured to be run by a secret underground network of mutant sheep operating in the sewer system (this rumour was proven to be false after an investigation revealed that Bathgate does not in fact have a sewer system).
Despite advances in technology, the most common mode of transport remains the Penny Farthing bicycle.
Although Bathgate retains a healthily hostile environment for minority groups (who every year partake in an event to hinder this hostility known locally as 'leaving'), according to a recent survey by the RSPB, it has the highest rate of gay, bisexual and transgender pigeons in the UK.
Open 7 days a week.
Closed Mondays.
Was run over by a bus in 1940.
Released from hospital after eighteen months, only to commit suicide after twenty-five minutes.
Half of Bathgate have been taken over by a band of cockney spaniards