Barista
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Baristas are often emotionless and highly logical humanoid aliens paid minimum wage to make substandard coffee in Starbucks. Often, Baristas will avoid eye contact and say very little. However, most Baristas are highly all-knowing, and when questioned, will have an answer to nearly anything. Most Baristas like taking steroids, because of this most Baristas are found in pharmacy's.
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[edit] Barista Traits
Baristas are generally either exceptionally good at what they do or are an exception to the rule and become logical and emotionless. Baristas also have an instinctive hatred for basketballs and ring ropes, the former being incapable of holding grudges (which infuriates the Barista for unknown reasons) and the latter is often violently shook by the Barista during matches.
- David Batista is a Barista.
- "Big" Dave Barista's hobbies include serving up cans of coffee and whoop-ass. Unfortunately for his enemies, he does not "whoop-ass" with his arms or legs
- "Big" Dave Barista holds one victory over Booker T (and he also holds a 'victory' over Sharmell if you know what i mean)- who let him win out of pity - he has been slapped like a ho by King Booker so often that he now has an imprint on his cheek King Booker has also created another imprint on "Big" Dave Barista's left buttcheek.
- "Big" Dave Barista has not had a bowel movement in twelve years.
- "Big" Dave Barista is called the "Animal" for his fondness of raping horses with his Ken Doll and sleeping in his own filth on the floor of a barn.
- "Big" Dave Barista caused a rush at all bathrooms as over 80,000 people all decided to take a massive power shit in honor of Barista's career. 47 people were killed; afterward, they were resurrected by the greatness of the Undertaker.
- "Big" Dave Barista is rumored to only be in the WWE for the women....we know better. (He only likes the guys!)
- "Big" Barista currently has 762 career home runs. His record breaking home run was voted by fans to be launched up his ass.
- "Big" Barista once pulled his hamstring by picking up a phone call from Vinny Mac. As a result, he was forced to vacate his world title.
- "Big" Dave Barista has AIDS from kissing Rebecca DiPietro, the whore...("the whore" can apply to either Dave OR Rebecca, both are legitimate whores...)
- "Big Dave Barista nearly failed to outfart Michael Moore even with the help of steroids.
- "Big" Dave Barista is the mascot and representative of the San Francisco Steroid Giants.
- "Big" Dave Barista was actually a retarded, wild creature that took form of a overly-muscular, yet even more retarded retard then called itself the animal.
- "Big" Dave Barista is known world-wide for his daily over dosage of steroids.(He doesn't even open the container! He eats the container, too!)
- "Big" Dave Barista has a gay friend called Amanda Hugnkiss. He says they're just friends.
- "Big" Dave Barista is known to be very persuasive and can be given a World Heavyweight Championship rematch simply by having his music play.
[edit] Should Barista Have Infinite Rematches for the World Heavyweight Championship?
This is a much heated debate among wrestling fans. Frankly though, the WWE doesn't give a shit if it's highly debated amongst the fans, because Vinnie Mac knows that his brainless legion of fans will still buy his product even if it's just two guys arguing between each other for an hour on who will be the #1 contender for the world title. In fans' (Vince's) eyes, absolutely because that's his title and come this Sunday (this applies to every Sunday, even if there isn't a PPV that Sunday), he'll be needing it back. Barista will keep challenging for the World Title and be given a title match just for demanding it (or beating a jobber). Once Barista does win the World Heavyweight Title (which will take many tries and him having to go Super Saiyan), he'll probably lose it within a week or will be forced to vacate the title because he'll probably take too many steroids and become even more retarded than usual; in which the process will start all over again.
[edit] Controversy of Inclusion in WWE Hall of Fame
There has been much debate over the past decade of whether "Big" Dave Barista should be in the WWE Hall of Fame. There are those marks that believe that Barista should get in because he's so dominant. Then, there are the rest of the fans that know that Barista can't wrestle and only gets wins/title shots because of his steroid-loving fame. The former, unfortunately, follows Barista blindly; for example, when several wrestlers were caught in a sting operation (all they did was open the door to the locker room), the marks believed Barista when in an interview he said he doesn't "do steroids no more". Of course this was a WWE edited remark, since in the interview posted on YouTube Barista says "Look guys. I don't do steroids no more, but I don't do them no less" before eating a whole container of steroids and riding off on one of his man-whores. Then again, looking at some of the wrestlers inducted into the HOF, one can't help but point out all the other steroid freaks in there. *cough*Hulk Hogan*cough*
Some of the non-marks also believe that Barista's IQ is too damn low to be in the Hall of Fame. Many question whether he can even get to the HOF in the first place, much less give a speech. Despite all of the advances in medical science and best writers Vince McMahon's cock can take, Barista still manages to give worse promos than John Morrison, so a speech seems like it would be out of the question. Then again there are others who point out that "Big" Dave doesn't need to give a speech, he can just be given a World Heavyweight Title match and wrestle for it on the spot, as a replacement for his speech.
“He probably will get into the hall of fame but after about a week or so, people will forget that it ever happened.”
~ WWE on Remembering the greats in the Hall of Fame
[edit] Steroids and ball sucking allegations
Dave Batista has been accused of taking steroids approximately, 12432242376032962517254528120-108725t51320365342-026525232efarg934346729256UGG321072247524832436753698753492 times. These allegations were found to be true when he cut himself at the airport and steroids leaked out.
“Batista will be in the Hall of Fame because he's the best ball sucker ever...or thats what Triple H said after Batista said he wold give him head in exchange Triple H would have his slut, Stephanie McMahon, fire Shelly Martinez.”
~ Jerry "the King" Lawler on ball sucking
He is also Known to be one of the biggest cock suckers (politician) in wresling history. This evident by the fact that HHH,Cena,Orton,JBL and Batista get all of the spotlight all of the time while being among the least talented. Vince's dick is very happy as a result.
^^^%^^^^^^ no duh
[edit] Some People that "Big" Dave Barista has Beaten
- Hulk. That damned Hulk has got to be on steroids! i barely beat him! -EVEN WITH MY OWN STEROIDS!!!
- Eric Bishoff's nephew Eugene in an I.Q. test by -3 points.
- The one legged wrestler Zach Gowen in an ass-kicking contest (and just barely)
- Colin Delaney (w/ the help of Mark Henry)
- Disco Inferno
- Mikey Whipwreck
- Val Venis
- Funaki
- Random jobber #829
[edit] Additional Resources
[edit] Too Hyper
While "Big" Dave Batista shakes the ropes in the wrassling ring, he trys too shit himself BATISTA IS A RETARD!!! OH MAH GAWD!!!! NOW HE'S TRYIN TO SHIT HIMSELF!!!!! HERE LIVE!!!! ONLY ON SMACKDOWN!!!!!!
