Batman
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 | This article is complete, irredeemable lipmusic. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, and sacrifices at the chest. If you attempt to shave this, you will most extremely execrate Bat Fuck Insane yourself. Or the submitter will zap your xanthochroi. |
“There is no way Batman is gay with Robin”
~ Captain Sarcastic on Gay superheroes
“Batman?? BATMAN??? ARE YOU SERIOUS??? DUDE I've taken dumps with more superhero powers than Batman!”
~ 50ft. Man (who feels he has taken dumps with more superhero powers than Batman) on Batman
“Why Can't you just die?”
~ Tommy Lee Jones on Batman
“He can't fly, he can't shoot lasers, he can't even suck blood like a bat, but he surely does look good in tights...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Batman
“Batman isn't a superhero, he's some pansy white guy who wants to be black so he wears black clothes. He doesn't even save Gotham city, he just always happens to be there when the bad guys get beat.”
~ Aquaman (who's jealous that Batman is more popular than he is, even though he doesn't have any super powers) on Batman
“All it takes for the sanest person ever to fall into lunacy is one bad day. Did you hear me? ONE BAD DAY!!!!”
~ The Joker on Batman
“Adam West Adam West Adam West West West... da da da da Adam West is here!!!”
~ Adam West on Adam West, STAR of BATMAN!
“What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman.”
~ Batman on himself
“I'm Batman.”
~ Michael Keaton on Batman
“No, I am.”
~ Val Kilmer on Michael Keaton
“No, I'm the one true Batman!”
~ George Clooney on Val Kilmer
“No seriously, I'm Batman!!! Look - I got wings. I can fly! AAAAAAAAA!!!!! ”
~ Jim Carrey on being Bat Fuck Insane
“No, I'm the current Batman now!!”
~ Christian Bale on the three actors who previously portrayed Batman
“No, I'm the motherfuckin' Batman, cockfaces!”
~ Adam West on the above shitbutts
“Val Kilmer SUCKS!”
~ Michael Keaton on Val Kilmer
“George Clooney SUCKS!”
~ Michael Keaton on George Clooney
“Michael Keaton SUCKS! As well as Klimer and Clooney !!!”
~ Christian Bale on Michael Keaton
“My Batmobile is better than yours, suckers¡¡”
~ Christian Bale on the three actors who previously portrayed Batman
“Vacuum cleaners SUCK!”
~ Captain Obvious on The above
“Who does this guy think he is?”
~ Tommy Lee Jones on Batman
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| Gender: | As Male as Male can get! |
| Height: | 6'0" |
| Weight: | 300 lbs. of crime-fighting muscle |
| Eyes: | Death |
| Favorite Song: | "Gettin' Jiggy wit it" by Will.i.am |
| Hair: | Bat fur (brownish) |
| Occupation: | Crime-fighter, game show host, hip-hop dance instructor. |
| Hometown: | Gotham City |
| Sexual Orientation: | None |
| Chocolate: | Doesnt like it! |
Batman (a.k.a Fatman, Battyman, Peadoman and plain old Bruce Springsteen Jesus Johnny Wayne)is normally referred to as a superhero, though he might be more correctly called a well-equipped vigilante. Recent events have led scientists to believe that Batman is actually corned beef soup[1]; anybody who believes otherwise is a Republican. Even more recent events have however disproved this, since it has conclusively been shown that Batman has a head, does not enjoy being placed in a microwave for 2-3 minutes, or being eaten with a spoon and croutons, unlike canned soup, which gets off on that kind of thing. Events that happened today, however, have once again confirmed the soup theory. Also if you tell batman your "ballin'" he most probably won't trust you.
[edit] Bat-Origins
The first Batman started out under the name Fatman, weighing in at a sweating 58 stone. Fatman was very rarely seen out in public but can usual be found struggling to get out of his couch in his one bed room apartment, and was always considered a hindrance at crime scenes because of his huge mass and so was forced into early retirement. As a result of vicious taunting by small children Fatman fell into a deep depression, and for 3 months ate only Super-Subs, from Subway. Miraculously Fatman lost weight through eating Super-Subs and was shown in the Subway advert.
Batman beats up superman on thursday nights just to make his day.
On the subject of his weight loss there have been many conspiracy theories, including divine intervention and liposuction. A few have even suspected exercise, but it was not widely believed due to his severe laziness. The theory most likely to be true though, is that Fatman fell down a well and was unable to climb out for three month, his superhuman strength allowing him to survive without eating. As a result of being in the well and not being able to eat Fatman lost a lot of weight, and it was only when a Subway managing director happened to hear Fatman's moping in the well that he was saved, and together the two of them devised the unlikely story.
[edit] Bat-Songs about Batman
Batman (and his orchestra) composed famous hits in the early 1940's, mainly 'Stairway To Gotham' , 'Die, Joker, Die ' (known in Germany as Tod, Joker, Tod), 'Someone's Robin' My Friend' and 'The Ivy May Be Cute' . Some of this songs contain references to Batman's childhood and early life, but of course, the best known song has to be:
- Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na yo!
- Batman! banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banbana lololololololololol
- Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na banana phone!
- Batman!
- Bruce Wayne! Batman! Paul is dead, miss him.
- Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na yo!
...you get the idea
Reports indicate that, when played backwards, the song says "go eat a pickle". Due to this and other evidence, it is suspected by many that Bruce Wayne is also John Lennon, and when he turns into his dual ego, he becomes John Wayne.
[edit] Bat-Scandal
It is revealed that Batman is most famous for working in cahoots with prostitutes. The prostitute talks with an unsuspecting male slacker into coming up to her bedroom for sexual promiscuity. She then talks him into allowing her to tie him to the bed. Once they are incapacitated she then steals his wallet. Just when the poor boy thinks he can't sink any lower, Batman jumps out of the closet, reveals his 12-inch Bat-Penis and scares the prostitute by threatening to rape her. The slacker guy escapes from the prostitute's house. Afterwards, Batman compulsively tracks down the prostitute, kills her with his batarang and stashes the corpse under someone's bed, usually causing a Dead Hooker Scandal. When asked to comment, Batman merely replied "I'm Batman".
Now Remember the best Quotes:
- BANG
- ZOWIE
- SOCK
- BIFF
- POW
- CRASH
- ZAP
- KA-BLAM
- WTF
[edit] The Bat-Eiffel Bat-Tower Bat-Incident
Johnny Halliday once sold Batman the Eiffel Tower in a cunning scam, cunningly executed at a very cunning hour on the 25th December, 1827. The scam involved deception on the nature of the tower itself: Mr Halliday sold it under the false appellation of the "biggest dildo in town". The time was a very emotionally trying and challenging one, given that Batman was desperately seeking a birthday present for Robin.
Mr. Halliday had freshly run out of Mogwais named Gizmo, but nevertheless seemed to provide the ideal answer to Batman's problems. The exorbitant selling price he managed to con out of Batman was two pints of lager and a packet of crisps. Batman was deceived by the shape and size of the tower and mistook it for a similar implement he had previously discovered hidden in Robin's bedroom. Robin greatly appreciated the gift, and his use of it has since been immortalized in the tradition of having Angels on top of Christmas trees.
In a completely unrelated note, Batman was banned from any and all NFL stadiums after controversy during a Super Bowl halftime show. Though Batman had nothing to do with the show (and, it has been noted, hates football), the NFL reported that their decision was "just to be safe." Batman has since been banned from eating Barbeque Sauce as well, and the case is currently in court.
[edit] The Bat-Christmas Bat-Incident
On Christmas day in the early fifties, Batman was chasing The Joker through the streets of Gotham. It was reported that Batman had been up all night partying, and he hadn't had a chance to shower, so he smelled. Robin had, unfortunately, come down with a bad case of constipation, so he was unable to aid Batman on that night.
“It was like laying an egg!”
~ Robin
The bat-mobile, while rounding a corner, lost its wheel, causing Batman to veer out of control and hit an elderly woman. The woman survived with minor injuries but filed suit with Batman claiming it was "reckless driving". Batman won the case against him, but reported dissatisfaction with the fact that The Joker got away.
This incident has since been immortalized in song, further suggesting that at some later point, the Joker somehow learned the identity of Batman's alter-ego and snuck into his house. There, while Batman was otherwise occupied in the kitchen and Robin was busy in the hallways, The Joker took the opportunity to sneak into Batman's bathroom and urinate all over the wall.
[edit] Bat-Stage and Bat-Screen
Batman has been portrayed by Val Kilmer in the film Batman: For a Really Long Time and by Adam West in the stage musical "Springtime for Batman".
George Clooney played Batman in the movie Batman with Nipples, but we are all trying to forget about that.
Patrick Bateman got the role of Batman in the most recent movie, (entitled Batman starts it up) due to his name. The movie is wildly regarded by critics as having completely incomprehensible and unwatchable fight scenes. This has earned the movie several awards (which were later taken away when they realized it wasn't a Japanese martial arts movie.)
Batman starts it up is slated to be the first in a trilogy of new Batman movies, which will include Batman keeps going and Batman finally stops.
[edit] Bat-Controversy
Batman has been portrayed by Val Kilmer in the film Batman: For a Really Long Time and by Adam West in the stage musical "Springtime for Batman".
[edit] Proper Bat-Spelling
It has been established by the Mirriam-Webster dictionary that the proper spelling of comic-book hero's name is The Bat-Man. The hyphen symbolizes the psychological distinction between the bat (a creature of the night) and the man (Michael Keaton), while the world "The" distinguishes him from mundane, everyday batmen. Any publication or website that does not respect this manner of spelling is stupid, and probably run by wankers full of boys.
Although no viable images have ever been found, a rumor states that Eleanor Rigby of Beatles fame supposedly kept a Batman mask in her home, prompting The Beatles to sing, "Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?"
[edit] Bat-Alter Ego
At long last, a new piece of vital data has been gathered about this hero of heroes:
Batman is really a whole dynasty of people, going from Fatman, to Bruce Wayne in 1939, to various others, although Bruce Wayne (or his descendants also named after him) has occasionally resumed the role after a previous Batman left, or was killed.
The list of known Batmen is as follows:
- Fatman (1932-1934)
- Bosko (1934-1939)
- Bruce Wayne (1939-1944)
- John F. Kennedy (1945-1952)
- Clark Kent (1953-1955)
- Roger Ebert (early 1956)
- George Bush (1956-1960)
- John F. Kennedy (1960-1967)
- Adam West (1967-1974)
- Michael Keaton (1975-1979)
- Buster Keaton (1979-1980)
- Bruce Wayne the 2nd (1980-1985)
- Cilla Black (1985-2003)
- Bruce Wayne the 3rd (2003-2009)
- Tony Stark(2009-2014)
- Peter Parker (2014-2016)
- Mr. T. Smith (2017-2020)
- Bruce Wayne the 4th (2020-2028)
- Terry McGinnis (2029-2060)
- Val Kilmer (2061-2080)
- George Clooney (2080-2082)
- Donald Duck (2082-2084)
- Al Gore (2084-2086)
- Bruce Wayne the 5th (2086-2099)
- Hammerhead Bob (2099-2106)
- Chilly Willy (2106-2107)
- Christian Bale (2107-2124)
- Bruce Wayne the 6th (2124-2162)
- Marlon Brando (2162-2216)
- Barbara Streisand (2458-2470)
- Bruce Wayne the 7th (2470-2472)
- Tom Swift (2472-3002)
- James Evans (3002 - 3010)
- Jordan Davies (100th century)
- Brett Favre (300th century)
- Kristain Brunker (853rd century)
- Sid Menon (current Batman)
[edit] Bat-Movies
In year's gone by, there have been Many Bat-Movies. The very first 2 where Directed by Tim Bumfucker and where considered good. However, after that, many other, lesser known (And with good reason), or just plain Shit Director's (Such as "Uwe Boll", "Pifft Ake", "Eve Hill", "Wayne Kurr", "Rad E. Cull", "Jesus", and the lovable "Shaq") decided to make their Own Bat-Movies for the lulz. The results where... Less then pleasing.
- The Batman Cave Paintings (25000BC)
- Batman vs Hitler (1943)
- Batman: Buy War Bonds (1943)
- Batman the Move (1966)
- Batman Meets the Harlem Globetrotters (1967)
- Batman vs. Joker (1968)
- Batman Fucks Catwoman for Two Hours (1969)
- Batman Bicentennial Bat (1976)
- Batman (1989)
- Batman Returns (1992)
- Batman Comes Back(1992)
- Batman Returns Again(1992)
- Batman Was Forced to Come Back Again(1992)
- The Black Knight(1992)
- Batman 3: A Twist in Time (1993)
- Batman: Mask of the Animated Movie that's 10x better than all those live action movies but was overshadowed 'cause it was too the kiddie!!1 (1993)
- Batman and the Baseball Strike (1994)
- Batman for a Really Long Time (1995)
- Batman with Nipples (1997)
The Bat-gang can send each other Morse code signals by pinching their Bat-nipples.
- Batman with Nipples 2: Now with added cod-piece (1997)
- Batman: Box Office Failure (1998)
- Batman: Endgame (1999)
- Batman: Reboot (2000)
- Batman: Superman (2000)
- Batman Meets Sal Fasano
- Batman: He's Really Gritty-Tough Now (2000)
- Batman: Regurgitated (2001)
- Batman Goes Bat Fuck Insane (2003)
- Batman Starts It Up (2005)
- Batman and the Really Annoying Wanksta (2007)
- Batman Keeps It Going (2008)
- Batman Finally Stops (2009)
- Batman's Revenge (the working title was "Batman Starts It Up Again for a While, but Then Gets Bored Really Quickly and Goes Back Inside to Watch Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Except It's Saturday, Meaning Countdown's Not On, So Batman Seriously Considers Stabbing His Fucking Face") (2009)
- Blackman and Robbin (2009)
- Batman vs. A Dead Homosexual (2009)
- Batmen (2010)
- Batman Returns... Again: Even Though in 2009 He Stopped (2012)
- Batman on Man: Riding the Bat-pole (2021)(First foray into the Adult Video Market besides the 1969 failure BFC)
- Batman: For the Win (2029)
- Batman: For the Loserz! (2030)
- Batman: Gotta Catch 'em All (2032)
- Batman: The Sex Offender Years (2035)
- Batman: On Life-Support (2042)
- Batman: The Funeral (2043)
- Batman: Resurrection (2050)
- Batman vs. Gordon Brown (2052)
- Batman: The Political Years (2054)
- Batman: Revenge of the Labour Party (2057)
- Batman Gets Fucked (UK title: "Batman: Yogurt Poisoning") (2060)
- Batman Goes to the Beach (2060)
- Batman Does Not Go to the Beach Cos It's Fucking Hot with All This Global Warming (2060)
- Batman Goes to the Beach: Collector's Edition Super Box Action Menu with 80 Minutes of Added Beach Going (2060)
- Batman: Behind the Music (2061)
- Batman vs. Rosie O'Donnell (2061)
- Batman and Robin's Big Fat Gay Wedding (2061)
- Batman Solves The Riddler's Riddling Riddles (2062)
- Get the Funkenwaggles Outta Gotham City (2062)
- Batman In Hell (2063)
- Batman In Hell 2: Resurrection Redux (2063)
- Batman Outta Hell (2064)
- Batman vs. Your Mom (2064)
- Batman: Playing Doctor to Ron Jeremy (2066)
- Return of the Batman and the Robin (2069)
- Batman and the Hands of Fate (2073)
- Batman with Jackopaws (2074)
- Batman and Torgo's Retarded Journey (2077)
- Batman and Robin: The Wedding (2080)
- Batman Goes To The Hood (2082)
- Batman: The Naked Mile (aka "Batman In Lederhosen") (2085)
- Batman: Exploring Catwoman (2088)
- Tuesdays with Batman (2090)
- When Batman met Robin (2093)
- B for Batman (2095)
- Batman and the Fox (2101)
- All Ur Base R Belong to Batman (2101)
- The Hound and Batman (2104)
- Batman vs. the Martians (2118)
- Batman and the Four Ducks (2222)
- Batman: Plan 9 from Outer Gotham (2225)
- Batman, Deal or No Deal? (2277)
- The Batman of Guantanamo Bay (2283)
- Bat Men Can't Jump (2299)
- Batman in the 24 1/2th Century (2353)
- Superbat (2377)
- Batman and the Return of the 24 1/2th Century (2380)
- Batmen on a Plane (2399)
- Batcraft (2455)
- Batman: The Legend Continues (2457)
- Batman: The Blockbuster Hit! (Never Released)
- Nightmare on Crime Alley (2500)
- Nightmare on Crime Alley 2 (2502)
- Nightmare on Crime Alley 4 (2504)
- The Final Odyssey of Nightwing (2523)
- Batman: Gotham Evolved (2552)
- Batman Ends (3000)
- Batman Goes Infinite (3001)
- Batman Joins NAMBLA (3023)
- Bat to the Future (3040)
- Bat to the Future (3041)
- Batman the Musical: Bat in Black (3050)
- Batman Turns Evil (3055)
- Batman is Actually Good (3056)
- Never Mind, Batman is Fucking Baby-Killing Evil (3057)
[edit] Bat-Shows
Throughout History, Batman also has a list of TV-Show's under his Belt along with his Movies. Much like his movies, they where mostly terrible.
- Batman (1966-1968)
- Batman and Friends (1970-1972)
- The Real Batman (1983-1996)
- Blind Date with Cilla Batman (1985-2003)
- Batman and Robin at the Movies (1986-2009)
- Beavis and Batman (1993-1997)
- Batman: The Animated Series (1992-1996)
- Ye Olde Batman (1995-1998)
- Extreme Batman (1996-1998)
- The New Batman Adventures (1997-2000)
- Batman Beyond (1998-2001)
- Batman: Fast Forward of the Future (1999-2001)
- Revenge of the Batman (2005-2009)
- The (2005-present)*
- CSI: Gotham (2008-2058)
- Mystery Gotham Theatre (2009-2012)
- Batman's Laboratory (2013-2020)
- My Three Bat-Sons (2014-2023)
- Infinite Legends of the Dark Knight (2015-2019)
- Two and a Half Bats (2020-2021)
- Heroes Volume 134:Batman (2023-?)
- The Dark Knight Returns (2025-2026)
- Batman: The Nursing Home Years (2027-2031)
*Yes, it's just called "The."
[edit] Bat-Controversy
Despite having super hero status, controversy has plagued his eventful career. From the accusations of drunk driving, to the 'accidental' death of zippy from rainbow, he has hardly been out of the limelight.
More recently, stories have circulated around the media of Class A drug use.
Robin has also come forward claiming mental and physical abuse at the hands of Batman, including "tummy sticks".
Batman was recently kicked out of an ice cream parlor after an assassination attempt of the register clerk was blamed on him. The Batman, in the past, has disclosed his hatred for chocolate.
Batman also was once said to have been Involved with the death of "Superman", but when Superman came to life once more, this was Disclosed and forgotten. Although some people still think Batman had killed AND Ressurected him, (Under the disillusioned claim that he is in fact, Raptor Jesus) These people are considered Retards and are probebly just n00bs.
[edit] The Bat 2OC
The dance commonly referred to as the Bat 2OC (two-oh-see) is in fact a waltz-crump hybrid. It involves sweeping your index and middle fingers across your eyes starting from the nose, and out towards the temples (index finger is placed above the eye and the middle finger is placed below the eye), while kicking wildly in random directions and screaming "ficas, ficas!" Then, the person attempting this dance needs only to eat the aforementioned fingers, and in doing so, has successfully completed the Bat 2OC.
Many right-wing dance groups across the nation state that the Bat 2OC has nothing in common with either waltzing or crumpling, but shortly after issuing such bizarre statements it is not uncommon to find the bodies of such individuals lying in unmarked graves with index and middle fingers removed and a bat symbol spray painted on their tombstone. Clearly, Batman feels that it is indeed a waltz-crump hybrid dance.
A rare music video with Batman demonstrating the dance can be seen below. It was taken shortly before a tragic breakdown caused by Batman taking a massive overdose of illegal drugs.
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