Battle metal

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[edit] Battle Metal

, the form of metal mainly espoused by drunken viking-clads/bikers/rockers/tattooed ladies/bearded ladies/role-play gaming faggots and purposefully misled Jehovah Witnesses who were just looking for the nearest public toilet. Its form as a musical style consists of folk licks played at super speed, with crushing, sludgy galloping metal rhythm riffs against what can only be described as an epic percussive onslaught off double kick pedals - and just about double everything else too - as a counterpoint to the epic melodies and harmonies was invented by his royal highness, King Wanky Beach bum Speedo-clad Hasselhoff the third, circa last Tuesday lunch time, in Strøm, in the frozen Scandinavian wastes.

[edit] Evolution of Form

However there is some debate among the history monks of rock, high in their lofty towers of the Veteran Metalheads Retirement home, 666 Sunset Blvd., as by a freak alignment of the planets with Oprah Winfrey's enormous fucking arse, gravity interactions between the astral bodies of our solar system caused a black-hole to temporarily open inside the Hoff's croissant, while in the exact same location 4000 years in the past, a wormhole opened that was just big enough to allow his simple drunken creativity to travel through time.

[edit] Traditional Pastimes linked to Battle metal

being heard by primitive Europeans whose only previous concerns had been fucking every other living person "for Warmth" (genius Bxcuse, but only sadly known to work on the extremely gullible, whose genes are therefore about as desirable as a mild case of Chinese cock-rot) and turning whatever prized food sources they come across into alcoholic beverages. they wrongly interpreted the be-mullet-ed one's words as the commandment of God, and thus the vikings were born, after the realization that it didn't matter if girls said no when they could arrive in large groups, set fire to buildings, steal all the food, get smashed on the locals booze for free and rape their way through successive age groups. this is also when sodomy was invented by accident, as several extremely drunken swedes not averse to recreational bestiality mistook a very pretty local farm boy for a large pig and built a theme park around his arse.

[edit] Mythology and History

Much myth and legend surrounds the story of these times and the coming of battle metal. One story as it that, in need of power to fuel their boiling wrathful blood turning one Scandinavian against another, Bom the Eater of Children, took it upon himself to capture the Axe of Gushing Virgin Juice (many scholars theorize that the term "Gaping Axe-wound", to describe a woman's genitalia, is fucking hilarious, although it has no connection to this article, sorry). Bom went to Valhalla and bitch-smacked every single one of those blond prissy boys with his mighty wang, while some annoying loud-mouthed bard was chatting gaily about the happenings. Yet he could not conquer the two last remaining deities, Odin God of Drunken Debauchery and Thor God of Thunder and ASBOs, who were the wangiest of all gods. While Thor punished Bom anally with his cold metal hammer, Odin at the other end showed the hero what was good for with his saggy ball-bags. It is said that at this most bleak of hours the wormhole carrying King Wanky's drunken lunchtime musings opened above the world and Bom the Eater of Children became the first human to hear the ass-kicking hoff-riffs of battle metal. Fueled with new strength Bom grabbed the bard by his hairy biscuits, plucking them free of pubis, weaving them intuitively, as if with hands possessed, into six strings of equal length but differing thickness seized Thor's hammer, and with them fashioned the world's first guitar. The sound derived thereof was so metal that whilst his freshly-bald nut sack quivered in ecstasy, the mortal bard's skull exploded in pure awe, whereupon the shrapnel of bone fragments shredded Odin and Thor into messy giblets. Henceforth any musician playing metal fast enough and with enough skill to make a thousands virgins cum would be known as 'going shred'. As for the hero Bom, he returned unto Midgard with the Axe of Gushing Virgin Juice in one hand and the newly created guitar in the other. Everyone stared in awe, pointing at the bleeding, sodomised arse-raw and adrenaline-fucked giant of a man and uttered in chorus "Dude, that is SO FUCKING METAL!" and thus battle metal was born. It must be noted that this tale is likely utter bullocks and may simply be the produce of two students stuck in Essex with too much time and too much amphetamines on their hands.

[edit] Present

Now a-days Scandinavia is a prosperous region of welfare states not in the least bit concerned with crushing old ladies with their metal guitars (or so they claim, but no one daring enough to venture into these lands have come back with their livers intact enough to remember a god damn thing). Rumors have it that the sodomy and pillaging has been reduced to an absolute minimum of twice a week, (although the consent issue is still a bit of a grey area in law to this day) making the Scandinavian countries one of the highest ranked on the UN's human rights list (only outranked by a few such as China, who recently outlawed compulsory spikes on wife-beating cudgels, and Liechtenstein, but even the UN admittedly are unaware of its location or of anyone living there). Recent polls show that Sweden, Denmark and Norway are some of the most visited of tourist hot-spots (frequently the host of fat Germans with a fetish for socks and sandals). They bail themselves as the most friendly and peaceful throughout the world. Should any nations contest these facts and figures, the Scandinavians have threatened to unleash their Legions of metal fans and "Demonic Forces" (mostly consisting of 4 feet battle trolls, which are themselves an offshoot of the Barbara Windsor genealogy) upon their sorry worthless souls, a truly terrifying Army led by Amon Amarth, the Unholy Chiefs of the Mighty Berserk Horde of Scandinavia (insert evil laughter with Turisas-Battle Metal playing in the background).

[edit] How to Spot A Viking

battle metal must not be confused with black metal. while similar in style and appearance, the satanists are so scared of the Vikings (who, being unbelievers, are not in the least scared of the pointy horned one) that they spend most of their time trying to look as much like corpses as possible, to convince the Norsemen they are already dead, and thus avoid being pillaged. however some Vikings have even less qualms about fucking corpses, especially if they are a little warm still, so ironically this tactic can backfire spectacularly.

vikings commonly adorn themselves with Furs, armor, Axes, Swords, the pelts of slain enemies, warpaint, spiky bitz and Horned Helmets. while the world believes these items to be either A a novelty tourist gift, or B, designed to intimidate their opposite numbers, all Vikings know that one horn is for drinking out of, the other is a hard-wearing, re-usable prophylactic.

typically a viking:

A) is always drunk A.i) enjoys getting more drunk B) bellows "for Odin" at the top of their lungs while charging at billboards under the influence of point A C) Will rape your wife daughter son and family dog D) will loot all your cutlery under the mistaken impression that it really is silver E) will follow all this by torching your house F) is fond of metal composed of fast swinging drums w/much double kick, guitars alternating between crushing riffs and sped-up folk song hooks, and guttural lyrics pertaining to his favourite pastimes ( see A,B,C,D and E) G) there are no female vikings. women born into viking families are either eaten at birth, turned into booze, imprisoned at birth, burned or raped to death. sometimes more than one of these fates awaits them.