Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy's House
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“I saw a guy with a gun running at me, so I grabbed him, twisted his arm round and brought his face right through the barrel. No one messes with the Wilde-man!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy's House
The Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy's House was a battle which took place in the horrific dungeons of Cheese Steak Jimmy's House between the Army of God, lead forth by God, Bob, and Shaq and the Jokists of the Holy Roman Empire, lead by Willem Dafoe. It was at the Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House that Shaq vanquished and slew Willem Dafoe. The Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy's House lasted approximately 3.074 seconds.
[edit] Famous Heroes in the Battle
There were many famous heroes in the Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House:--
--Oscar Wilde, who nobly charged his cavaliers into the brunt of the Holy Roman phalanxes and tore apart their battering-rams.
---Julius Caesar, who made his name in this battle with his chilvary and courage. He spent much of his time running around and waving in front of the places the Army of God were going to bomb.
--Emily Brontë, who is remembered for her viciousness and ironicness on the battlefield that day.
--Homer Simpson, who was, later on, to record the events of the battle in his famous work The Shaqiaddossey.
--Plato, who, being a philosopher, was completely hopeless at fighting but he wanted to take part because his dad was taking part.
--Plato’s dad; Socrates (pronounced ‘SO-krAyts’), who didn’t kill anyone—but neither did anyone else, for that matter.
[edit] First Nanosecond
During the first nanosecond of the battle, God took the marines and used them to wipe out all the Holy Roman archers, since the marines were equipped with machine-guns and hand grenades, which the archers instantly fled from, believing them to be ‘ye produce of evyll magick!’.
Oscar Wilde, under the command of Bob, flanked the first and second Jokist infantry divisions, went round the back of them and wedgied them from behind.
[edit] Second Nanosecond
During the second nanosecond of the Battle, Bob and Shaq met each on Mount Everest Hill and charged down into the Holy Roman trebuchets and catapults, which had been firing at God’s shirts, which were henceforth enabled to attack the Holy Roman calvary and elephants.
Soon after that, the fighting ceased and God, Bob and Shaq commenced diplomatic negotiations with Willem Dafoe. These discussions are recorded in the Shaqiaddossey.
[edit] Third Nanosecond
At the start of the third nanosecond, Willem Dafoe ruined the negotiations by blowing a raspberry at Bob; something which caused great offence to God. Willem Dafoe then giggled like a schoolgirl and ran off, pursued by Shaq. The fighting then continued.
A god (but not THE god) Dubya helped the Army of God by raining down flaming potato chips on the army of the Holy Roman Empire. However, this merely strengthed their morale and they grouped together and charged into the Army of God.
[edit] Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Nanosecond
During this time, the battlefield became a chaotic clump of mad hacking and groping. Rumour has it that one guy even died because he was pushed backwards onto his horse and broke his ass. Oscar Wilde and Emily Brontë fled the battle. They subsequently eloped to New England and thus Emily Brontë the fourth of the Brontë trio to marry Oscar Wilde (and the only Brontë to marry him whilst another Brontë was still married to him—the polygamist monkey!).
Meanwhile, other important events were also unfolding. Shaq chased Willem Dafoe all the way across to the other side of the battlefield. Once cornered, Willem Dafoe attempted to fight back against Shaq’s manly (super) strength, but Shaq bashed his skull in with his basketball and then raped him.
[edit] Seventh and Eighth Nanoseconds
Nothing very interesting happened during these nanoseconds, in fact it really was pretty damn boring. Nevertheless, it was the point when the Army of God secured their victory over the Holy Roman Empire—so what does that tell you about how interesting it is when the good people start winning?!
The brutal killing—and defilement—of their beloved leader caused the Holy Roman Jokists to lose all their morale and enthusiasm. They then began to flee like smelly, cowardly women. This made it very easy for the Army of God to surround them.
[edit] The Ninth, Tenth and Eleventh Nanoseconds
Over this period, the Army of God rounded up and rustled the Holy Roman Jokists.
There was a brief backlash from the Jokers, which caused Plato to remark: ‘good grief, these little buggers never give up, do they?!’
[edit] The Twelfth and Thirteenth Nanoseconds
During the twelfth nanosecond, the Army of God successfully captured the remaining Jokists. As time passed on into the thirteenth nanosecond, Shaq started a powerful and momentous speech to the Holy Roman Jokists, concerning the 1959 World Series (but why he was talking about baseball when he’s a freakin’ basketball playing scum-dog, I’ll never know!) This is usually considered to be the end of the Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy's House.
[edit] The Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House in Art
After the battle, Shaq sent the Jokists back in time, whereupon they produced the Bayeaux Tapestry, which is thought by most art-historians to depict the Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy’s.
Other famous artworks which depict the Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House include the famous African Totem-Pole and the frieze of the south-facing wall of the Wall of China, created by classical artists William Blake and Michaelangelo R. Weasel.
[edit] The Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House in The Shaqiaddossey
In Homer Simpson’s epic poem The Shaqiaddossey, which chronicles the life of Shaq, there is a long description of the build up to and the events of the Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House:--
Verse MXMXMX
1 Jimmy was a man who thought he was a loner
2 But he knew that joe-joe was an even bigger loner than him
3 And so he instead took a cheese-stake and threweth it into the heart of the Beast of Bodmin.
4 And so did the obsoletistic Jimmy, son of Kahn, acquire his name of ‘Cheese Steak Jimmy’
5 And at his house he did buildeth a large extension, so large that it might reacheth the Kingdom of God itself.
6 And this was subsidised by the Government of the Holy Roman Empire, because they wanted to encourage people to build house-extensions, because the motherly Willem Dafoe had promised them in one of his campaign speeches.
7 But God did not want a house extension to reacheth his divine Kingdom
8 Now, at this time God rode with Bob and Shaq, and the Army of God was invading and conquering the Holy Roman Empire
9 So God rodeth some more, with Bob and Shaq, and they lead the Army of God to Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House, that they might destroy that insult to God’s Kingdom.
10 Seeing this as an insult to his government, and afraid that his pre-election promises could be in deep shit, Willem Dafoe also tooketh his army of brave and noble Jokists of his Holy Roman Empire, and they also rodeth to Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House
11 And so there they met, and there did they did do-eth battle.
Verse MMIXVV
1 And so Oscar Wilde did chargeth into the terror of the Holy Roman hoplites.
2 And so did Oscar fight with fiery optimism and slaqueous copernity.
3 And so he did becometh the hero of the second
4 Praise be to him and his children
5 And his children’s children
6 For ever and ever
7 Anox.
Verse Mn’Ms
1 And so the two armies, they did fighteth each other so long
2 It was such a long time that they became tired
3 And their arms became weak and quite floppy
4 But still they fought on
5 For they were true and braveous warriors
6 And they were the sons of the Nahilia
7 And they were the daughters of the Beast of Bodmin
8 Praise be to the Nahilia and the Beast of Bodmin
9 Long may they live in the same appartment.
Verse 50 Billion-Gazillion
1 The armies withdrew, and God, Bob and the eloquent Shaq went into a damp cupboard
2 And there they talked of what they should do
3 And there they talked of the problem of Cheese Steak Jimmy and his rampant extension building
4 And there they made sweet love (but God made sure he had nothing to do with it).
Verse MMXIIVV
1 And there the most gracious and eloquent Shaq did first see the most crespiant Willem Dafoe, Great-Nephew of Bob Hope, with his burning face of Mississippi.
2 And he said unto him; ‘Why do you take me for such a damn fool, O, crespiant Willem Dafoe?’
3 ‘Think you not that I knoweth your ways and your people?’
4 ‘Think you not that I knoweth your land and your livestock and the milk which comes from your livestock, especially from the horses?’
5 ‘Think you not that I knoweth your mother, as best any man can know another man’s mother?’
6 And so they talked for what felt like years, but was actually less than one trillionth of a nanosecond.
7 And then the crespiant Willem Dafoe stuck out his toungue and bleweth a very large raspberry
8 In his infuriation at this, Shaq chased Willem Dafoe from the cupboard
9 And so the two sides ran at each other once again.
Verse VIIXXIVIXIXIII
1 And so Oscar Wilde did slain the famous warrioress Stacey, and her merciless bandits of doom.
2 And he cut off all of their heads, and he put them upon long sticks.
3 And then he put those sticks upon even longer sticks
4 And he paraded them across the battlefield, yelling:
5 ‘Knowest y’all that I have annihilated the terror of these she-fighters, and that really wasn’t a very easy thing to do!’
6 And then Oscar Wilde immeadeately went away to the Land of Oz, which was seventy-million miles away.
7 But he came back from there after a very short while
Verse MMMMXXXMMMXXX
1 But meanwhile, the Army of God was in a bit of trouble
2 Because many of the Holy Roman Jokists had gathered
3 And they joined together and ran into the Army of God and knocked half of them over
4 But good fortune soon flew over again, and the god Dubya helped the half which had fallen over to get back on its feet
5 And then he blew a mighty breath, which knocked over quite a lot of the Jokists
6 But not as many as when they had ran into the Army of God
7 But Shaq came zooming through, and he did slaineth forty of the men and forty of the women and forty of the other gender of the Jokist soldiers.
8 Seeing his power, Willem Dafoe fled away from Shaq;
9 But Shaq caught up with him, yeah!
10 So Willem Dafoe tried to fight back
11 But he had arms like a girly.
Verse MMMXXX;
1 And thus the eloquent Shaq, son of Frodo, with the supreme might of Zeus, God of Thunder, and Dubya, God of Salted Potato Snacks
2 Did take his Vorpal Shite in one hand
3 And his gleaming basketball in th’other,
4 And so he did beat Willem Dafoe most ruthlessly;
5 Relentlessly pummelling the bastketball into his skull and stomach;
6 Until all his bones were smashed
7 And all his brains were gloop
8 And his liver was worse than John Wesley’s
9 And then, he did drug Willem Dafoe’s Malibu
10 And off’r’d it to Willem Dafoe;
11 Who, in his thirst from fighting, and his incredibly dumbness, drank it down;
12 And then Shaq, with Diet CokeTM, as a lubricant,
13 Did ravage his limp body
14 Until his entire rectal area collapsed
15 Then Shaq climbed upon his fine steed, Dumbledore
16 And he did leave Willem Dafoe where he had violated him,
17 And the crespiant Willem Dafoe did die a cold and lonely death, some three days later.
Verse MMMMMMM, Donuts…
1 Without a leader, the Holy Roman Jokers could not fight, nor even survive
2 For, without a ruler, how could they be ruled?
3 Without a king, how could they be kinged?
4 And without such a classy actor, how could they produce any decent thrillers?
5For without water, there is no wine
6 And without paint, there is no colour
7 And without grass, there is no paint
8 And also without paint, there are no trees, because that is what they are made from.
Verse MMIXVCCCCCCCCCM
1 And so the Jokers, they did try to fleeth
2 But God, Bob and Shaq, they did capture them
3 And they put them in a parking-lot for forty days, but only three nights
4 And after that Shaq sent them back in time
5 And they sewed loads tapestries like the cowardly women they are
6 And the Army of God destroyed Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House
7 They razed the building and its terrible extension to the ground
8 And they burnt the cheese-steaks into a big pile of fine dust
9 And they took planks of wood from the doors and shoved them into Jimmy’s computer
10 And then they took Jimmy’s computer and threw it at a wall
11 And then they wrenched the tower-case open and smashed up all the bits inside with a rolling pin and then used that rolling pin to grind them up into even smaller fragments.
12 And then they took Jimmy and they tied him up and let some snakes eat his eyeballs.
13 Glory be to Bob and Shaq
14 And glory also be to God, but only because he forces us to glorify him
15 And some glory be to that guy who lives opposite my house because sometimes he lets me go out with his daughter and play on his Batman game on his Nintendo Mashfest 3000.
[edit] Conclusion
Most historians do view the Battle of Cheese Steak Jimmy’s House as being one of the most significant causes of the Civil War. Some disagree, but as famed historian Chuck Daly points out: ‘Well, it sure as hell beats all that bullshit about slavery! Think about it—a battle causing a war, it just makes so much more logical sense!’
