Battle of Intercourse
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“Oh! Roight! uhhm. Never heard of it... Couldn't have been all that big a deal, roight? I mean, I've been around a while now, roight? Can't say that one stood out in my fooking mind at ahw... Oh! Intercourse... roight roight... Tennessee... Jack Daniels! yeah!... I've gotta get ovuh there, roight? MICK! What the FOOK is this guy goin' on about!? Did you take moy cigarettes? penis, dick, cock,
MICK!?...”
~ Keith Richards on The Battle of Intercourse
| Battle of Intercourse | |
|---|---|
| Part of the Mexican-American War | |
 Unfortunately, the battle map is quite vulgar and dangerously childish. | |
| Date: March 8th, 2007 | |
| Place: Intercourse, Tennesse | |
| Outcome: American victory, but at what cost? | |
| Combatants | |
| United States of America | Estados Unidos Mexicanos |
| Commanders | |
| Bill Gates | Bill Gates
|
| Strength | |
| 12,000 | 5,000 |
| Casualties | |
| 9,500 | 5,500 |
| Border Offensive - Battle of Cape Cod - Battle of Corpus Christi - Battle of Intercourse - Fall of Washington - Battle of Crawford - Southwest Campaign - Operation: Hammer | |
The Battle of sex began one early, and particularly foggy, morning in the small town of Intercourse, Tennesse. The riots at a nearby Mexican internment camp has reached an eerie calm. The sound of gunshots silented by the humming of prayer, the Mexicans would march around the walls of their prison three times before blowing their horn, bringing the wall down in front of them. The prisoners, freed and armed by the losses of their captors, began the 30 kilometer marcherror in the Windows 2007 operating system, which would be a cleverly disguised scheme by then Mexican general Bill Gates. American general Bill Gates of no relation to the Mexican general of same name, was then having coffee in the Intercourse Diner with commanding officer, and long time friend, General Steven Jobs, as he saw a large crowd coming over the horizon. This crowd, the released prisoners, was led by political prisoner and PoW General Bill Gates of the Mexican 3rd Calvary.
[edit] The Break of Dawn
As the crowd closed in on the 24-hour diner, which boasts an all-day breakfast and all-you-can-drink coffee, General Gates burst into action. Rallying his men, he took the foothold of Main Street and 3rd Avenue. The Mexican forces, unaware of guerilla tactics, would form a large collumn, which would swiftly plunge through the surprised American defense lines. This would be followed by retreating, plunging, retreating and plunging again, before the collumn began to lose its rigid structure, leaving some of the forces behind the Americans. While this strategy of confusing the Americans and dividing the forces would cost dozens, if not hundreds, of Mexicans their lives, the forces opened fire on each other.
[edit] The Dust Settles
By the end of the firefight, which would last approximately sixteen hours, General Gates lay mortally wounded, having been shot, and later a confirmed kill, by General Gates. As he lay dying, his last words were reported to have been "I should had the waffles." The Mexican forces would surrender shortly after this. Unfortunately, the bodies (dead or alive) of either general have never been recovered. General Steven Jobs still cannot eat waffles to this day, due to his post-traumatic stress disorder.
