Bea Arthur
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“I'd pee in her butt, yet I would rather she pee in mine.”
~ Oscar Wilde on first meeting Bea Arthur
See: Hands and mannishness, fear Bergen!
Bea Arthur was born as man named Arthur Bea in c1349, around the time of the Christian domination/enslavement of Norway. She was born to a Viking father and Amazonian giantess mother/dyke, both whom lived on the Greek island of Lesbos in the Mediterranean Sea, which they had captured from the Spartans a few years earlier.
Bea subsisted on a diet of bark, eucalyptus and other plant sap in her early years, relying on such things as the nodules of paper-bark trees and the watery innards they provided, instead of a mother's teat as a normal small baby would.
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[edit] Early Years (Inleiding)
By age fifteen Bea had fought in various wars and campaigns with the French Foreign Legion, also fighting in the Rhodesian conflict in 1981, and in the following year fighing with the British forces in the Falklands campaign, most noticeably at the battle for Goose Green for which she was awarded a Victoria Cross.
During the Iran-Contra affair, Bea came under heavy scrutiny when Oliver North testified about her role in the incident. North claimed Bea had seduced the Ayatollah, which led to a sex scandal and a backlash against the USA by the people of Iran. Bea responded by castrating North using her teeth.
[edit] Visions of Reality
In 1612 Bea fought Mega-Jesse Owens at the Nazi Olympics, where she dutch-rubbed him into submission over a barbeque of honey-basted hams and corn. She thoroughly beat his ass and won gold to the delight of all(elderly) black(and white) people. She was presented the gold medal by Uncle Tom and Aunt Gemima(because they were both old peoples as well).
Many years later conflict would erupt on the set of The Golden Girls When Estelle Getty, who played Sofia Petrillo, acknowledged to Bea her many years relationship with Mega-Jesse Owens.
Mostly known for her mannish figure and gigantic hands, She is also known for fighting for the elderly races rights in her ground breaking anti-ageist docu-drama The Golden Girls.
In the 1970s, Bea flirted with politics, when she began to date Enrico Salazar, fascist dictator of the island nation of Salazore. The controversial politics of Arthur caused friction in Hollywood, and she butted heads with Ed Asner on both the Merv Griffin and Mike Douglas talk shows on several occaisions. These sparring matches came to a head on the 1977 episode of Battle of the Network Stars when Arthur pummeled Asner for 45 minutes with the robotic head of Twiki from Buck Rogers. For a short time Arthur and Salazar broke up, and she briefly dated Fat Albert impersonator, Idi Amin, however costar Conrad Bain was quoted as saying "It was just to make that slug Salazar jealous... Bea would never seriously date a spade".
Bea took an uncharacteristic "second banana" role when she joined the cast of Buck Rogers as the character "Hawk", to pay for the damages suffered to Twiki's head when she bludgeoned Ed Asner with it on live television.
The Golden Girls series goes down in history with Good Times and Alf as one of the few TV shows allowed to confront the issues of racial stereotypes in the public forum of broadcast media.
Cinemax attempted to spin-off the popular docu-drama as a late night adult program starring Estel Getty, Bea Arthur and Ron Jeremy as Pearl Necklaces and Golden Girls. Despite being hugely popular with the elderly, many Ron Jeremy fans were disgusted with Bea Arthur's performance as her hands made her co-star's anatomy look small. Ron Jeremy too was out-raged claiming she ruined his well-earned image. He even refused to do scenes with her. By the third episode, Ron Jeremy only performed with the much smaller Estelle Getty while Bea Arthur remained in the background. After the fourth episode, Bea Arthur was replaced with Barbara Bush.
Immediately following her replacement, Bea Arthur fell into a deep depression that lead to hear dark, heavy period.
[edit] Dark Time
In 1983 Bea Arthur was arrested, along with Todd Bridges from Diff'rent Strokes, in possession of 13kg of PCP and Charlotte Rae's contraceptive sponge, which they were using as blood offers to Goomba Getty(nee Wotan Petrillo).
During the initial trial, for the offences, Bea escaped custody. Using Todd as a human shield she attacked and killed the 12 SWAT officers transporting her to court with vicious hand chops to the neck bone. Todd was killed in the Gun-Fu action scene.
She fled with the corpse of Todd Bridges into the surrounding Bergen National park. Neither she or Todd's corpse have ever been found.
[edit] After the Spotlight....(Verlassen)
Bea Arthur has been published three times in hard cover(1952, 1965, 1972) and repeatedly in paper back editions in more that 27 languages.
She has recently released a book of feminist poetic musings titled "If I had a cock, a cock, a cock, I would love to knock, a knock, a knock.... on wood." It has sold 4 copies.
