Beagle

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“A Beagle that smells like dirty laundry is a happy Beagle.”

~ Rush Limbaugh on Beagles

“If God were to make a perfect creature...it certainly wouldn't be this.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Beagles

“I thought these things were circular and edible...”

~ That guy on Beagles

Chicks just eat this shit up.

Beagles (not to be confused with bagels) are the world's most irritating animal. They were first discovered by Bruce Gull, who named them for himself. Beagles have a number of uses they include:

Hunting
Dog urine and feces dispenser
A tasty side-dish for any Thanksgiving banquet.
Neighbor annoyance device
Fun noises
Happy thoughts
chick magnets.

Beagles are owned by the smartest, best looking, and best socially adjusted users of Uncyclopedia (which isn't saying much at all). Most people will argue that beagles are wonderful animals, this has been proven FALSE.

1 Habitat
2 Diet
3 General Info
4 Lifespan
5 Famous Beagles
6 The Beagle Prophecy
7 Favorite Beagle Pastimes
8 See Also

[edit] Habitat

Beagles are native to the Dirty south, where they are the constantly hunted by the vicious Racon. Beagles can almost be found anywhere in the world except in Asia, where Beagles are eaten regularly. This is because Beagles are delicious, but unfortunately this fact hasn't been discovered by (most of) the rest of the world.

[edit] Diet

In the wild, Beagles prey mainly on Hamster, but also enjoy hot dogs and Snorks. They are also known to feed on infants and Bacon. Beagles have a tendency to throw up on your favorite rug if you feed them something they don't approve of.

[edit] General Info

Beagles are a mischievous creatures that love to do many things. They enjoy sniffing things most of all, but they do much more. They also enjoy eating and sleeping in or on things they aren't supposed to. Beagles can't tell time however, and this upsets them greatly. A tail wag means the said beagle is thinking about humping your leg.

Beagles also enjoy digging into your garbage and taking absolutely everything out of it, such as rotten meat, smelly underwear, and dead birds.

This undead zombie beagle wants to eat your soul.

[edit] Lifespan

Beagles, as the world's most irritating animal have been granted by God to die whenever anyone chooses. Unfortunately, God still has a lot to work on with this. If you come upon a beagle who appears to be "only sleeping", he is in fact, dead. However some Beagles that have mind control powers can live for eternity, invunerable to any damage taken during its....er....short life.

[edit] Famous Beagles

Snoopy
Puddles- The dog who took Professor Andmaryann to the Galapagos
The Beagle who took Darwin's everywhere.
"Little Beagle Johnson" LBJ's dog (Who had a very small penis)
The author slackerboy's dog St. Peter
The one I saw taking a dump on my lawn yesterday
The ones who taught us smoking was wrong.

[edit] The Beagle Prophecy

Professor Snoop Meow Pooppooper and the prophecy stone

Long ago, back before the Palestinian-Beagle War of 1812, a transvestite beagle prophet named Pussy Paws made an ancient prophecy about the future of the Beagle empire. The prophecy was written in poetry.

Poop, Poop, Poop, Sleep, Poop

We must sleep and poop

When the pooping has ended

and the food is ate

we shall join and poop some more

This prophecy was examined by Professor Snoop Meow Pooppooper and was said to mean that the poop means the holy rocks, the sleeping means dying and the food means the trees. They thought it meant that the Holy Rocks will fall on the colony is they didn't help the trees. When the dying ends, then the Holy Rocks would stay put. They all took wild precautions but it turns out that the prophecy only means that they will poop, sleep and eat.