Bear Grylls
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“This Swedish submarine would make a terrific source of protein and raw power but is protected by the Swedish Navy and international treaties. I wouldn't consider catching and eating it unless I was really desperate”~ Bear Grylls on How To Survive Being Dropped Into The North Sea
“Bear... WINS! Fatality!”
~ Mortal Kombat on Bear vs Some Tasty Ants
“You wouldn't trust him to give you a blowjob, would you?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde
Not to be confused with Ursine cosmetic dentistry (bear grillz), Bear Grylls, also known as Bear Burgers or Bear Kebabs (born 1974, the middle of the Sahara desert) is a survivalist, open-minded gourmet, television personality and vegetarians' nightmare. He currently lives in the Big Blue House with his spouse Findus Crispy Vegetable.
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[edit] Career
Bear Grylls joined the SAS aged eight but had to leave the service in 1994 after sustaining injuries following his attempt to take-on an entire Bosnian Serb armoured division armed with nothing but a stick.
Bear became famous in 1998 when he became the youngest known person to climb to the moon (a task declared "impossible", "dangerous", "mad" and "cold" by Sir Edmund Hillary). Grylls refuses to be acknowledged as the first person to climb to the moon as he claims he found a skeleton up there "clutching an ice pick". He later declared that the bones had come in handy for brewing-up a "nourishing broth". Nobody knows who the skeleton was. Perhaps it was this guy.
After he came back down from the moon he wrote a book about his experiences: It's Not Made Of Cheese And I Had To Have Those Crackers Plain. The book went on to become a best-seller.
In 2000, Grylls swam around the world, starting from Aberdeen in spring and arriving tired, exhausted and covered in barnacles in Liverpool in late autumn. He claims he survived by diving for giant squid[1], catching rainwater in his mouth during storms at sea and wrestling sharks to pass the time. All the time he had been swimming in the Pacific and Atlantic oceans he had recorded a video diary on a handcam. This footage was edited together to make the film For Fuck's Sake, Man! which was shown on Channel 4 in the UK in 2001. He challenged Chuck Norris to a "survival-off" in the Amazon Rain Forest on June 3rd, 2007, and won by setting Chuck on fire with his flint. When asked to comment, he said:
"Chuck Norris was a strong bloke, but I can drink tea."
It is rumoured that Bear Grylls found Osama Bin Laden in an underground cave while burrowing for bat eggs in the Himalayan mountains. He was unsuccessful so ate Osama by killing him with the first bite in order to stop it wiggling on the way down. He did save a piece of his beard as tinder though.
Controversy wracked Grylls when it was revealed that many of his "survival" situations were about as dangerous as a trip to the local car wash, involving luxury bed and breakfasts, blueberry pancakes, and internet access. To prove himself to audiences yet again, Grylls hunted down and ate the rogue cameraman who betrayed him, declaring him to be "a great source of protein".
On June 21, 1999, Grylls set out into Mordor to destroy the One Ring. Contrary to popular belief, one man can simply walk into Mordor and live to tell the tale. Peter Jackson later approached Grylls and asked permission to film a trilogy depicting the adventure. However, Grylls claimed that he was not the first man to venture into Mordor, and asked Jackson to film the movie about a race of half-human creatures native to his homeland of Britain known as Hobbits. Jackson agreed and wrote, directed, and starred in what he named The Lord of the Rings.
[edit] Epic Battle Against Brett Favre
One day while wondering around the Wisconsin outback Bear Grylls stumbled upon Brett Favre wondering as well in the same territory. A fight eventually ensued. The epic battle lasted for 9 months and was fought all across the world including; Lambeau Field, Australia, New Mexico, Old Mexico, the Ocean, the moon, and then the blackhole of Orxon VII which leads to the galaxy of the Melabin Rebliods. Favre enlisted the help of the entire state of Wisconsin whereas Grylls called on his Indian friends to the battle. The Army of the Favre had one main weapon which was Favre's canon arm, launching football after football at the Indian army of Grylls. Grylls then ate all the footballs one by one claiming they were a good source of Vitamin C, and Iron. The losses of the war totalled over 600,000 for both sides combined. Favre and Grylls eventually reached a stalemate when Favre needed to go back to the Pack for the 2006 season.
[edit] Natural Enemies of Bear Grylls
- Les Stroud
- Jack Bauer
- Piña Coladas
- Oprah Winfrey
- The Killer whale
- Belgians
- Bloody Diarrhea
- Giant Belgian Killer-ants that weep for their smaller brethren
- Brett Favre
[edit] Things Bear Grylls has eaten/drank on-camera
- Ants
- Spiders
- Raw fish
- Giant killer octopus
- Sea anenome
- Crude oil
- A bucket of nails
- A Killer whale
- A tree
- A Bear
- A Grue
- Chuck Norris
- Jewish kid
- Tokyo
- Milk that's been sitting out in the sun for a while
- The Kraken
- His own head.
- Happiness
- His own urine, which apparently "tastes like Goldschlager"[2]
- A football
[edit] Television Work
Bear Grylls: Born Survivor (2001)
Bear Grylls: Across The Sahara In My Pants (2002)
How To Cook A Killer Whale with Bear Grylls (2003)
These Ants Taste Delicious (2004)
Building A Synagogue In Tehran Just For The Hell Of It with Bear Grylls (2005)
How To Survive Being Dropped Into The North Sea (2006)
How To Survive Glasgow City Centre On A Saturday Night (2006)
Icebergs Are Nutritious - A Week In The North Atlantic With Bear Grylls (2007)
Bear Grylls vs Grizzly Bears (HBO pay per view special) (2007)
[edit] Movies
Die Hard 5: Never Die Again (2010, pre-production)
[edit] Rumours About Bear Grylls
- He was left in a forest when he was 6 months old and was raised by Grizzly Bears.
- Bear is able to start fire just by snapping his fingers, but he's not allowed to show you on television.
- Bear kills every large animal he finds and then claims they were "dead already".
- Bear has eaten several camera men... and also their expensive, "high protein" videocameras.
- Bear Is able to catch a fish in a blink of an eye.
