Beast
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The Beast was created by Jim Hensen as a way for children to cope with becoming adults. After successfully creating Cookie Monster, Hensen felt that children should be able to grow with one of their favorite blue childhood heroes. So he cut out the cookies, brought in some teeth, fangs, and fur-tight short-shorts (further teaching children about modesty), and gave his new creation an intellectual background with a deep, soothing voice.
During his early years, The Beast learned to cope early on with a father who loved children a little too much, a non-existent mother, and a horrible bout of hair-ball coughing every goddamn morning. Upon acceptance and entrance into one of the nation's finest private schools, The Beast proved himself an invaluable asset to human-mutant-fluffy animal relations. In his spare time, he washed dishes and mowed Jesus' lawn so he could afford treatment for his addiction to the hair wax.
Throughout his adolescent and teenage years, he had an active social life, becoming the life of the party for many reasons, including his ability to calm people down with his soothing voice and superior intellect, fire people up with his acrobatics, and his ability to hang from the ceiling to do kegstands, freeing up all other participants to watch in fear and awe.
As he grew older, the Beast became increasingly distraught with his inability to pick up chicks. While they all said they liked him as a friend and laughed at his jokes, he just couldn't bump furries with them. Upon graduation from high school, this led Beast to travel abroad before his first semester at Oxford University.
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[edit] Intermission
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[edit] The Collegiate Years
Fraternities have always been pretty shady, but the Beast wanted to fit in, so he joined Omega Omega Omega, the drinking man's fraternity. He soon found himself able to fit in, mostly due to having to shave all his hair off during hell week of pledging. Shaven, he looked normal, except for his ears, which all the girls found cute, but not cute enough to want to suck on. As the years went by, he achieved academic success for his many papers and research projects, even becoming the youngest man and only shaved-mutant to win the Nobel Piece Prize for his humanitarian work between the damned IRA and the bloody English. He graduated Summa Cum Laude and immediately noted that he had never come close to loudly. He laughed, even if you just didn't.
[edit] French Chicks
The Beast traveled to France soon after, deciding at last to challenge fate and find love in a place that hates Americans and muppets. There, he first found work at a bakery, until destiny appeared, in the form of a sexy little number named Belle who came in to the shop one day, complaining about blue hair in her baguette. Not able to stifle the obvious sexual innuendo from leaving his mouth, he said it.
"I'll put some blue hair in YOUR baguette, baby."
Unfortunately, sexual innuendo was only popular with the American Puritans at the time, and she replied, "You already have, you manly monster."
They soon wed and had six blue monster-children, who they immediately sent back in time to become the missing links. But that's another story.
[edit] Comic Books
Twenty years of marital bliss passed by, with Beauty and The Beast loving each other more every day. They went for moonlit walks, they wrote each other poems, they did anal. They were in love. Then one day, Belle up and died. No, seriously, she stood up, and then dropped to the floor. Outraged, saddened, and now without an ass to hit, Beast fled the country, sure that he would be blamed for his beloveds early death. His arrival back into his home country opened a new door in history, for when he got off the boat, when to get a baguette (they still reminded him of her), sat on a bus bench, ate his food, read the newspaper, and then got up to take a leak, he tripped over a man in a wheelchair.
"Watch where you're going, cripple," said the Beast to the cripple.
"I could sue you," said the cripple to the Beast.
"Well, I don't need that," said the Beast to the cripple.
"You wanna come work for me? I'm ever so lonely," said the cripple to the Beast.
"OK," said the Beast to the cripple.
That mediocre exchange brought forth a new alliance between people who weren't up to normal standards, and the X-Men were born.
[edit] See also
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| Superheroes and heroines | Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel |
| Supervillains | Venom - Dr. Doom - Emperor Galactus of the World and Universe - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - Fred Phelps - Venom - Dr. Octopus |
| X-Men | Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy |
| Salacious Six | Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth |
| Other teams | The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven |
