Beautiful People
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A little known article in the Book of Genesis, which was left out after the initial editing by Pope Tightass I, states that on the eighth day, after God had a day of rest, he set upon the exhaustingly daunting task of creating beautiful people, for his previous two creations, Adam and Eve, were horrendous failures, mainly due to their complete lack of ignorance. Thus, God created the beautiful people. And they were completely devoid of such nasty, devil spawned influences such as intelligence and free will, and He said it was good.
Later, after God watched his creations on E!, he spake unto them, and he said thus: "You may eateth any fruit that you may findeth here, but eat not of the Tree of Knowledge, or thou shalt surely die." To which the beautiful person Eva, (For God was not good at naming his creations) replied "Like, I totally won't eat that...there's like, bugs and stuff crawling all over it! Gag me with a spoon! And, like, I totally don't eat anyway. I, like, totally love the way my hip bone can be used as a weapon, cuz, like, I hear some Cable guy is like totally killing people..." and on it went, for days upon days, and God knew no rest, and he realized his grievous error: without intelligence, the tongue knows not when to shut the fuck up.
God tried to rectify his mistake by flooding the world for an indeterminate amount of time in order to drown out his second botched attempt. It rained. Fortunately, the space within the beautiful people's heads had adapted in order to accommodate their extraordinary speech patterns, and it was full of air. They survived the great flood, and God, exasperated and apathetic, declared himself imaginary and winked himself out of existence.
