Beaver
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The beaver is a North American rodent which... Hahaha! Beaver! I just got it! Ahem. Anyway a beaver (snicker) is a buck toothed thing which lives by nibbling on big, thick logs... that is to say, the logs are firm and upright, until the beaver has finished with them... uh... to put it another way, a billy makes a dam with its teeth; a dental dam, if you will... ah.... Anyways, a beaver is soft and smooth and covered with hair... I mean, a beaver lives partly on land and partly in a river, so sometimes it's dry and sometimes it's soaking wet... oh, this is too painful... I just can't go on....
[edit] Evolution of the Beaver
Beavers are large, brown, chocolate-flavored mammals that are part of the rodent family. Scientific studies show that beavers are actually the missing link between Neanderthals and modern day billys. This research is based upon the fact that both beavers and humans screw with mother nature by cutting down trees and blocking up rivers. However, being more primitive, they do not have the well-known warning call, "timber", for when a tree comes falling down, that humans do. The effects of this drawback can be seen in the enormous amount of deaths within the beaver population from being crushed by trees or eaten by brush crabs.
[edit] Life of the Beaver
At early life, the beaver does not have hair, but as it grows and gets bigger it gets hairier. some beavers shave themselves to be more attractive to others. Beavers are often known to compare notes on physical appearance. This practice ensures that beavers are generally smooth and moist more so than other animals. However, on occasion, as a result of the above noted advice, younger beavers may often be mistaken for other animals, such as porcupines or fish. Beavers spend their time stealing sweets (among other things) from the local supermarket, they can also be found in schools robbing little kids and insulting teachers. They are also widely known for an extreme sport called Extreme Molestation (or Micheal Jacksoning) in which they take pride in.
[edit] Species & Distribution
Beavers are found all over the world and there are thought to be about 0.5 beavers for every human in roughly similar density with a number of noteworthy exceptions including San Fransisco, the Australian Outback and the executive board of all major corporations. The following species have been well catalogued (and I mean well catalogued - see most of the internet) in the literature:
- American Beaver (Castor Fornicatus)
Similar in size to the European beaver with the interesting behaviour that younger specimens are more likely to be encountered in the back of cars.
- Brazilian Beaver (Mufficus Nonicus)
Almost or completely hairless this species of beaver appears to be very tame and a very popular subject for study.
- Canadian Beaver (Beaver Eager)
The Canadian beaver's pelt is like felt. Short but not stubbly or totally bald like the Brazillian. Felt offers superior insulating properties for cold climes, has a softness and sleekness that makes it a favorite of Beaver hunters and ease of care and cleaning (unlike the French Beaver).
- Chinese Beaver (Pubis Chinoise)
Slightly smaller than its European and American Cousins this cute little animal is usually very well groomed and slightly shorter haired. Almost invariably it has a thin coat of wiry black hair.
- French Beaver (Beveur Jardin de Madame)
Longer haired than other European beavers this animals fur has a tendency to grow unkempt and matted.
NB: This is with the exception of Carla Bruni's beaver which is a beautifully kept specimen and much admired.
Similar to the skunk the french beaver is unique for its onion and garlic defence if it feels threatened.
[edit] Habitat
The beaver dwelling (sometimes known as a lodge) is normally found between two converging branches of a river (or legs). It is accessed through a concealed wet tunnel which beavers protect fiercely until fully subdued.
John Locke once predicted that due to their biological superiority over humans, beavers may one day conquer the world. This may very well have happened, had it not been for Davy Crockett, beavers' greatest nemesis. Davy Crockett got mad beaver.
Today, the beaver is seldom seen in public anymore. Satellite imaging, however, has revealed many secret beaver communities on the frigid shores of Canada
[edit] Behaviour
It is generally accepted that there is more misinformation than information in circulation about the behaviour of the beaver. What is certain is that when excited they tend to dive to the bottom of their pool or otherwise get wet. Experienced Beaver Scouts find they are able to stimulate this behaviour by careful stroking.
Beavers don't hibernate but they also tend not to like being woken up in the middle of the night - particularly when you come home from a night out with your mates.
Beavers spend most of their time living in small tents known as 'Undies' and only usually come out to wash, relieve themselves, breed or (if you're lucky) play. However they are also known to exhibit a behaviour called 'commando' in which they leave their tent for longer periods of time though usually remain in cover. If Beaver Scouts find out a beaver has gone commando they are always keen to catch a glimpse of it exhibiting this unusual and interesting behaviour.
[edit] Diet
Beavers are famous for their insatiable appetite for wood. Many people believe beavers would be happiest getting wood morning, noon and night. They love it. Many beavers get excited at the very sight of wood and will be jumping in and out of their pool and getting wet before they've even touched it. Beavers are certainly at their happiest stuffed with wood.
Fortunately many Beaver Scouts find it very easy to get wood whenever they see a beaver.
[edit] Beaver Scouts
From just before puberty onwards most boys (90% by some estimates) and some girls (10% by the same estimates) are inducted in to the Beaver Scouts. After that and for most of the rest of their lives they will spend the majority their time hunting beaver, thinking about beaver and comparing notes and hunting techniques with fellow Beaver Scouts in various makeshift meetings - in bars, pubs, at watercoolers, bus stops in fact pretty much anywhere two or more Beaver Scouts happen to congregate with more than about 30 seconds to kill.
During meetings the activities of female Beaver Scouts are much discussed and a great deal of time is spent discussing what they do and studying learned documentaries on the subject.
[edit] Beaver Hunting
[edit] The Chase
Beavers are known to be attracted to shiny objects known as "Bling" - the more "Bling" that is on offer the more likely you are to get plenty of beaver. One popular belief is that beavers prefer trees but experience shows that they are more amenable to flowers and chocolates, although baiting traps with these is not as popular as you might think. Beavers can either be hostile or simply disappear if not enough Bling, Chocolate and flowers are available. Another popular belief is that beavers can be attracted by expensive cars, but anecdotal evidence suggests this is not an effective hunting strategy. A Porsche can be traded in for one helluva a lot of flowers and choccies!
[edit] Protection
Despite almost universal protection the beaver is hunted incessantly everywhere it is found throughout the year. Due to reduced cover beavers typically have less protection during the summer months and almost no cover in many coastal areas (at the beach). However numbers remain fairly static due the central role of the beaver in almost all breeding programmes.
The hunting of immature beavers is fiercely proscribed by all civilised peoples.
REMEMBER: Always Keep Your Beaver Protected and Out of Sight in Public - unless you happen to be drunk and in Doncaster.
[edit] Captivity
Many attempts have been made to keep beavers in long term captivity. Although the flowers and chocolates used in hunting are partially effective in subduing a captive beaver, long term retention requires something called Commitment. No one knows what this is but unless it is forthcoming, long term beavers become withdrawn, disinterested and eventually migratory.
Contrary to documentary evidence on the internet beavers should be handled with extreme gentleness. Beavers should be handled like the petals of a delicate and exotic flower.
Again in contradiction to popular culture it is considered a positive sign if a "beaver bites the hand that feeds it" and in extreme cases fisting a beaver can occasionally be considered sensitive and caring if done correctly.
The study of beaver psychology (particularly in captivity) remains in its infancy despite many hundreds of thousands of man years spent trying to determine what they want.
A beaver is a traditional feature of a lady garden.
[edit] Uses for Beaver
Beaver makes for a very warm muff.
Some people will skin and tan the beaver before diving with its muff. PETA disapproves of this and to demonstrate its wrath with the practice, will toss cans of paint onto the beaver. This can ruin the beauty and value of the beaver, if the activists had the forethought to first remove the lid from the can, and if the activists have good aim. Furthermore, some activists have been known to mistake live beavers for women wearing beaver furs, and have thrown paint on them. Fortunately, most beavers assaulted in this manner will immediately dive into the water, thereby washing off the paint. Fashionable beaver-wearers have observed that behavior and have taken to imitating it if confronted by a paintbucket-bearing activist. They will leap into the nearest decorative public fountain while shouting, "Fanne Fox to you."
Beaver underfur is also used to make an excellent felt for high priced head-toppings known as "hats".
[edit] Culinary
Beaver is considered a delicacy by many. In fact such a delicacy that some people are satisfied by just watching someone else eat beaver. Beaver and certain felines are interchangeable in many recipes.
[edit] Project Beaver
Project Beaver is the largest collaborative project on the internet. If is far beyond the scale of Wikipedia and growing at a faster rate. The project is an ambitious attempt to document (in photograph and film) every species of beaver in every habitat and situation it can be found. Unfortunately most of the material is kept in areas for ‘Members Only’ and only accessible to fully paid up Beaver Scouts.
[edit] The war of 1955
With the development of beaver-porn-powered-megatron, there was a rapid multiplication of beavers and therefore, BOOBIES! Led by Chuck Norris, UN peace keeping forces came to Beaver Island and used all the Napalm the US was saving up to 'solve the beaver problem.' Beaver re-location followed when beavers went to live the viva loca with Ricky Martin. The great depression of the 1960s led to the formation of Al-Qaeda which was later copied by Osama-bin-liner who fixed the spelling so it would sound more 'anti-americano.' The beaver rebellion of 1972 induced the Mexican government to hand over New Mexico to the beavers who, realizing they would have to live in America, founded the city of New York which still stands. Desperate to bury past memories of Al-Qaeda, Osama bombed the shit out of the city only to realize he had actually meant to bomb York which was the new beaver capital. PROTECT YOUR BEAVER
Famous beaver war heros:
- Beaver of Baghdad
- The Backstreet Boys (who went on to have a successful career as international gay singing prostitutes)
| This is the most famous song by the backstreet boys
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[edit] Beavers and the Pope
It would appear, due to recent highly sophisticated testings, (and by recent we mean YONKS ago) that the beaver is actually a species of fish. This fact was brought to light by the Roman Catholic Pope, who, during a ritual fast, (in which the Catholics seem to be still allowed to eat fish...??) he declared the beaver a fish so all could consume them, and the Roman Catholics of Britain proceeded to consume our entire Beaver population into extinction. Luckily enough, the last beaver standing decided to get his own back, and sent out a top-secret encoded-beaver-message to all his kinsmen around the world. This was a message of warfare, and someday soon, the beavers will come in their thousands, and devour the religious goons who so ravaged their Britannic populating kinsmen.
[edit] Beavers in Canada
In Canada the beaver is used for something different. In Canada the beaver is their professional assassin and is used often to infiltrate the American government to make sure that Bush hasn't been going and making deals with Quebec behind Canada's back, because everyone knows that you can't trust the French, not even the French trust the French. beavers like to live in Canada. But they hate live in Sweden. He is such a great assassin he once bit Hitler's nose during WWI.
[edit] Beavers and the IB School System
Many IB students encounter beavers in the studies. The beaver was first studied in the 1950s during the Cold War. American scientists wanted to use napalm filled beavers as weapons of mass destruction in case of an invasion from South Garland High School and Clark High School. The federal government asked IB students to design the beaver bombs, or BB's, as they were called. The weapons were never used in warfare but are said to still be locked in the second story of Elvis' house.Beavers are very very hairy.
[edit] Facts About Beavers
- Beavers can bite through 3 feet of solid steel.
- Beavers can fly for long distances.
- Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton like to show off their shaved beavers.
- Beavers slap their tails on the surface of the water as a distress call, and to order pizza.
- While beavers are known for chewing on logs, they can also be seen watching I Love Lucy re-runs
- Beavers eat human flesh most days of the year, except for lent.
- Pictures of Beavers are among the most likely things to be downloaded on the internet by teenagers and middle aged men.
- Most beavers build dams, but there have been reports of 5-story beaver condominiums with cable TV.
- Never feed a beaver after midnight.
- Do not taunt happy fun beaver.
- Beavers are at a state of cold war with the Duck-billed platypus, over who as the right to have a flat rounded tail.
- Most beavers are generally peaceful creatures, but will attack if provoked. There are usually 4 or 5 days every month where you do not want to go near the beaver.
- A freshly-shaved beaver is much less likely to give you friction burn.
- Many people will claim that beaver tastes and smells like fish, but that is only because they are eating the wrong beavers.
- I like beavers :)
