Bedford
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“Bedford is exactly the sort of place you visit by accident.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bedford
“Bedford is a safe-haven for the Hitler Youth of today.”
~ Tim Short on Bedford
Bedford is the 13th circle of Hell, located in Bedfordshire, England. It was founded by Lucifer, Damien, my mother, Panic! at the Gay, Gay Disco in their attempt to turn the world gay [they stopped at Bedford School (see below), Gerard Way and Batman, during the Roman invasion of 3006 AD. The town was created to undermine the communist rulers of England, as led by Prime Minister George W. Bush. It is also the capital city of the Vatican and Australia.
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[edit] History
Our knowledge of Bedford's early history is sketchy at best, mostly due to the fact that it does not exist. If you want to look up the history so far, close your eyes and spin around very fast. When you are finished, you shall know as much as we do. We suspect the history is hidden somewhere beneath Michael Moore.
However, rumours persist the town was settled by "Bedmond The Unready" in 1382 with the help of the Visigoths. Bedmond was expelled from Luton sometime around 1379 in the aftermath of the Punk Wars for "wearing too much eyeliner" and "being a bit gay". Some goths still remain to this day and can be found in The Bear public house located on the High Street.
In the early 18th century, 20 "less than desirable" residents of Bedford were sent off in a boat across the Atlantic. It took about 5 months but they finally landed in what is now known as "Bedford New Hampshire". After about 2 years, they all figured out they were very hungry so they decided to plant some corn. This was the start of the 200 year farming society in Bedford NH. In 1985, the great-great-great grandchildren decided that, they were bored by farming and decided to start doing high pay jobs such as stock brokering,heading a major corporations, and own auto salvage facilities. The effect on the children of these new found riches were catostrophic, especially on the females. Their daughters became retarded greedy sluts giving head to their boyfriends, especially after drugging/ drinking around the age of 8.
[edit] Language
The language of Bedford is primarily Aramaic, due to the fact that Jesus Christ refused to have anything to do with it. It was chosen as the language for the simple fact it rhymed with "Cake". Some inhabitants do speak in Morse Code, but the Bedfordian Dialect means that it is spoken backwards, and therefore unintelligible to anyone apart from some species of bat.
However, there is a slightly different language used in Bedford, a slight variation of Lutoneese (Innit!) but usually spouted from the mouths of people referred to as "Chav-tastic".
[edit] Location
To locate Bedford, you need a pair of fake Converse trainers: tap the heels together three times, and say out loud: "I want to go to a complete shithole". The taxi should arrive shortly (we apologise for the delay - for which you'll be charged an excessive amount of waiting time).
Unfortunately, this is a one-way journey and in order to leave you must sell your soul to the devil, or else beat him at a game of tiddlywinks (luckily the Devil is a loser). Should you choose that latter you will have to leave a body part behind, and come back to claim it later (at your expense).
[edit] Name
The origin of Bedford's name is simple. Betty Ford, a French Symbologist, was terrifically drunk one evening, which also happened to be the day of the naming ceremony for the as-yet-unnamed town (until this point it was called "Atlantis" by the begrudging inhabitants). While Betty Ford tried to name the town after herself, she was too intoxicated and it simply came out as "Beddyford", the signpost maker ran out of iron halfway through making the sign, and "Bedford" it became.
The other possible reason for the naming of the town (and let's face it, the most realistic), is that there was once an old hobo walking through a desolate field, (he now inhabits the doorway outside Colemans on the high street), he sat down (although it is mainly believed fell down drunk pissing and shitting himself, screaming "I want a bed", but unfortunately he had fallen into the ford that is located in what is now known as "Priory Marina" AKA: gay hookup field. Anyway, upon realising his mistake, but not correcting it he yelled at the ford for not being a bed and getting him rather wet. To his dismay some following "ehtnic minorities" decided they would set up camp there, and not being to familiar with the language thought he was referring to the field as "Bed-Ford" and hence the name stuck. Obviously as the minoriites grew and became the majority they moved over to "Queen's Park" (not because it is fit for a queen, but because it is a royally shit place), the tramp moved over to the doorway outside Colemans, (as there is a kebab place on the other side of the road and he gets free scraps sometimes), and has pretty much lived there ever since. (Well not lived exactly, he has no roof, but more loitered with intent).
[edit] Recent
As of the 25th of May 2006, Bedford has been stolen by Ronald McDonald, who, according to trusted sources, plans to use the inhabitants as the solution to his latest ingredients shortage for his fast-food restaurant, Burger King. I'm LUVIN' it.
Bedford Council are in the process of erecting a statue to former Prime Minister Bill Oddie made entirely of rubies and soil. When questioned about the plans for the statue, a spokesman said "*Ppphhhtt*! You said erecting!" He then giggled, and put the phone down.
As recently as last week, Bedford was again bombed to the ground by those Putnoe twats because "Bedford man's said bad tings about my mum innit and I weren't takin' dat shit 'cos she's ma sista too get what I'm sayin', bruv?"
Frank Branston-Pickle was recently re-erected (giggle) the King of Bedford, after a closely fought battle between himself, Hitler, Satan, and Richard Nixon's corpse. Apparently he wants to turn all of Bedford into a better place filled with the sort of twats who watch Big Brother, read The Sun, and endlessly complain about the youth of today. Frank Branston-Pickle is -108 years old, and his mum smells like wee.
[edit] Education
Bedford likes to be able to claim that it is an educational hotspot. It is the home of the much "loved" Harpur Trust which runs several large private schools in the town. These schools are meant to work together and produce, at the conclusion of each child's education, a well-rounded young adult. This might have been the case if not for the political and economical undercurrents surrounding them. For 50 years a bitter war has been raging between the schools, hidden from the eyes of outsiders by clever ploys. The war is between the four largest schools and it has affected all of Bedford. These schools are:
Bedford school: An all boys school that is large, expensive and produces a kid who looks down on everyone else and likely has strong homosexual urges. It is located in a prime position in the centre of Bedford, just north of the High Street. It is run by a collective group know only as "The Monitors." BS relies upon disipline and order. Its higher ranked officers can be recognised by their uniforms of blazers with different coloured edges and eagles and scarves with different patterns. Thet denote different groups insde the school and the wearers are known as known as "Major Colours." Lower ranked officers have a simple large white eagle pocket and a simple scarf and are called "Minor Colours." Occasionally Bedford lowers its traditional snobby admission standards and admits a non-white pupil. Should they reach the upper echelons of this elitist society, they are inveriably referred to as being "majorly coloured" or "minorly coloured" depending on racial origin and precise skin tone. Oh, and they're a bunch or arrogant tossers. The only intelligant people there are Chinese.
Bedford High School [BHSgay]: An all girls school that endeavours to be a female version of Bedford School. Unfortunately, this merely results in girls who whore themselves out to Bedford boys. As a result the school is located close to Bedford School in the town centre. Their sixth form wear skirts designed to induce epilepsy as a ploy by staff to ward off Bedford School Boys. School officers are elected from the Lower Sixth on the grounds of attractiveness, lack of backbone and absence of individual thought, whilst only those who are truly upper-middle class, completely dull and Aryan (although, hydrogen-peroxide aided candidates are also often successful) make it to the lofty ranks of head girl. There are no strictly defined leaders, as incessant bitching prevents any one group from gaining enough respect to rise through the ranks. Bedford School and Bedford High School form "The Alliance", a co-alition grounded in the fact that should the headboy of BS marry the head girl of BHS, he the has the power to smoke a cigar on school premises.
Bedford Modern "School": A mixed "school" made up of the dropouts from Bedford School and Bedford High School who will end up as drug addicts. Located on the hills in north Bedford, they are the furthest from the centre but still pose a large threat to the Alliance. Their leaders are a special group known as the "Emos" and are said to be the spiritual leaders. Bedford Modern "School" believes in a more laid-back stance and places its trust in speed and guile for victory. Because of this their officers wear different style outfits from each other, whatever they like really, whereas the grunts all wear a red uniform to represent the blood spilled by the needles inexpertly shoved into the veins of Old Bedford Modernians.
Dame Alice Harpur: The less said about them the better, but they are an all girls school that competes with Bedford High School. Very exclusive, they rely even more on speed and guile then their allies Bedford Modern. They form the coalition with the Modern. Located south of the river at the bottom of the High Street, not many travellers make it out of the school alive.
The war started when a simple misunderstanding between two boys of BMS (Bedford Modern School) and BS (Bedford School) over the right to pimp out the girls of BHS (Bedford High school). Initially the two pimps kept the conflict to minor hit-and-run incidents and simple beatings in the park, but soon the whole conflict escalated into full-blown war. BHS sided with BS as they felt that the richer BS boys could see to their needs better and DA joined forces with BMS just to spite BHS.
The war nowadays has lost its focus and now centers on the years of bitter hatred and conflict. Weapon development has reached an all time high. The BS/BHS alliance has developed stockpiles of long range Trident missiles that were found to be too powerful for use in a small hellhole of a town such s their own and so they cannot use them to their full capabilities. The BMS/DA coalition has developed chemical Weapons that unfortunately were left outside in the rain, causing them to leak and spread over much of western Bedford, creating the region known as Queen's Park. Now that WMDs are out of the question, the fighting continues with traditional sreet fighting.
The conflict zone in Bedford tends to occur in 2 main areas, the first being the Park. This is the main area between BS and BMS, and is a large open space that allows for the full mobility for the alliance's armoured corps. However it is bordered by trees and small buildings allowing Coalition forces to melt away away after their deadly precision attacks. The Park therefore often results in the BS/BHS alliance tanks trying to draw the Coalition forces out of the surrounding cover, while the coalition try to confuse the Alliance to enter the cover where they can strike. The second Conflict Zone is the High Street and Town centre. This stretches from the mars-a-day to the embankment to Oxygen night club. This is the most fiercely contested area as it falls between the two girls' strongholds. Whilst BS is located at the top of this area by the Mars-a-day supply depot ,its fierce fighting with BMS in the park means it can only offer token support to the forces of BHS. DA holds the town south of the embankment and sends regular forays north, yet the true centre-hold, and seat of power for the entire town, is the ancient Way of Sub (founded in 2004). Under the pretence of buying fuel, members of all four institutions gather -to discuss the possibilities of treaties. However, it is by no means tranquil, with large numbers of bodyguards to be found on duty outside, as disputes are rarely settled peacefully.
The war has reached death tolls in the hundreds of thousands, BS is now trying to recruit foreign soldiers to join its cause, while BMS is spreading its entricing drugs around the more suceptaable alliance members to convert more for their cause. The fighting has left much of cetral Bedford as a desolate wasteland; most inhabitants think of this as an improvement.
Part of this recruitment drive was founded nearly 8-10 years ago in the form of a "study centre" as part of BS, really this is a millitant training camp developing the powers of suicide bombing, and marshall arts as opposed to the standard bottling and knifing that the normal BS brigade is accustomed, therefore waging its wars in a far more gurilla tactic. They are experts in Camoflage as they wear uniforms different to the standard BS and also has a select number of girls which are being trained to work as spies and sleepers in the more prominent BHS and DA schools, also there are a small number of there militants being trained to enter into the all new girls section of BMS, meaning as a result that Bedford School, will have a key strategic advantage with its spies in all of the 3 other main Harpour trust schools for when it comes to the next schools war, which will take place on the standard battlefield of Bedford Park, whils the DA, on behalf of BS will fortify the mound on the river side, thus dominating the two key areas of Bedford for a sure victory.
Bedford school also has a telescope which is usually pointed at the headmasters study so that the "boys" can watch him strip naked and strut around his office (a regular occurance) while they all have a wank over him.
The state run schools on the other hand coexist in peace and harmony. Mark Rutherford is one of the best performing schools in the country. Nothing else is known about this school or any of the others except that all the text books are made out of Frank Branston's dead skin cells.
[edit] Gangs
Black Putnoe or (BP) patrol the north of the town. They help to direct traffic, tie shoelaces of children who are too young to do it themselves and generally are a positive force in the community. They will helpfully shout "MK41" at you just incase you forget the first four characters of your postcode.
London Road Crew carry out many similar duties as BP, but they will shout "MK42".
East Putnoe Massive - A tough bunch of lads (often aged 13 or 14) who chose not to run a sophisticated drug dealing operation and instead rip trees from peoples gardens, harass old ladies, and walk around the block attempting to look menacing. They often wear burberry or JJB supplied clothes, and consider themselves the true gangsters of Bedford.
Midland Road Crew also have important postal duties. They can be found in the royal mail sorting depot on Midland Road dealing with all the letters to MK41 and MK42.
Queens Park Massive, also known as the "BEDFORD JETS" are a group consisting of mainly young adolesents from a pakki background and are led by the notorious Magnum Scorpio AKA The Artist Formerly Known As Various, (who was forced to change his name after an internal power struggle with his Former crew member Count Pedders of the Bedford Park FatBwoy Chicken lovers).Magnum is often patroling the streets with his less than esteemed henchman Stuart "Wife beater" Halliday and delving into the teritories of midland road, these boys reval in there own stupidity and often run into unarmed conflict, despite there lack of knowledge and absolute failure to be anything more than a group of cheese burger eating underachieving inbred car boosting pussyholes.Often drunk on Super T'S these idiots can often be found loitering behind the bins in Maccy D's carparks.if asked, "you got a ciggarette blud?" respond by saying "dedi mowney pudi avenyar!!!"
