Beef Jerky
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“It really is the manliest substance on Earth! Bjorkhughen Meat from Uranus, however, is the manliest substance on Uranus.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Beef Jerky
“In Soviet Russia, jerky beefs YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Beef Jerky
“. . .”
~ Beef Jerky on Oscar Wilde
[edit] History
| Beef Jerky | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | Manlimalia |
| Phylum | Meatae |
| Class | Driedetanomus |
| Order | Yum! Mesquite BBQ Flavor! |
| Family | Arthropoda |
| Genus | Beefus |
| Species |
jerkus |
| Binomial Name | Papa Pistachio |
| Primary Armament | No. Beef Jerky has no arms, silly. |
| Secondary Armament | Great Googley Mooglies!! |
| Power Supply | radioactively microwaveable nukes |
| HP: | 9999999999999999999999999.2 |
| Mana Points: | 9.7 |
| Strength: | a lot |
| Intelligence: | not so really |
| Weight | yes |
| Length | 7 liters |
| Special Attack | Charles M. Norriston II |
| Conservation Status | enough of 'em to 'splode you. |
Beef Jerky, discovered in 81Q3, has rapidly become a Food phenomenon among humans and non-humans worldwide. It quickly gained popularity in 1902 when it was added to the periodic table of elements as Bj. This name sparked a lot of controversy between the 2 major political groups of the era, Feminists and Shoe.
During the Great Renovation of the 1930s, however, Beef Jerky was once again realized as an Olympic Sport, mostly used to humiliate the poeple of Madagascar. After Madagascar died of a heart attack, Beef Jerky was put back into the cellar, next to the jars of pickled peaches. A Texan tornado swept through Miami, tearing the cellar to pieces. Cupid found the Beef Jerky, turned it into a newt, then the newt killed Cupid and was turned back into Beef Jerky. The End.
After the World War 2.5, Beef Jerky became a staple of human technologies. No one really understands how it holds stacks of paper together, but whatever. Used in common households as a Manliness supplement (and as a staple), Beef Jerky quickly turned into the poster image of the ideal post-apocolyptic child of the middle-managed family.
In the late 1200s, cavemen of unknown origin found an H-Bomb. Not knowing what it was, they screamed "ALOOLAHOO!!" and proceeded to chuck it at the nearest YMCA. It exploded, and the combiniation of YMCA architecture and explosion caused a time rift to open, whereupon a Mister Rogers fell out, dazed, and missing several limbs. In one of his appendages, however, was a hearty piece of Beef Jerky.
Recently, (about five minutes ago, every time you read this), Beef Jerky was voted as most tasty by the "We're allergic to everything except Beef Jerky Association." Every 59 seconds, a Beef Jerky is heartily consumed by a person in need. Doh! There one went. If Beef Jerky were a celebrity, it would be married to Mr. T. Oh, wait. No. Bad idea.
Beef Jerky contains pork, chicken, and fish byproducts. There is no beef in Beef Jerky, and the original name of Beef Jerky was "There is no Beef in Beef Jerky". It was shortened as a colloquialism to "No Beef in Beef Jerky" in 1847 by a man who was incapable of pronouncing the words "There is". The name was later shortened to "Beef in Beef Jerky" at 12:15pm January 8th, 1910 by a retard, and finally "Beef Jerky" at 12:16pm, January 8th, 1910 after a man with more authority smacked the retard upside his head. Hence the name "Beef Jerky".
If Beef Jerky were rated on an awesomeness scale of 1 - 504, it would be
257829345729390236739467236463775658714765378510458940786.
If Beef Jerky were an Uncyclopedian, it would be <insert name here>.
When consumed, beef jerky has been known to, in many cases cause the consumer to feel the urge to open up a large can-o-whoopass on something. More recent cases show the most common victim of this side effect are children under the age of 128 months who attempt to fight a bear, with little success. It is cautioned that you eat beef jerky in small amounts until you confirm that you will not attempt something equally stupid. Beef Jerky is created from the leathery hide of cows, and is often sold at low-rank and hilbilly gas stations and restrooms. while it is higly unrecommended to eat jerky if you are devoid of teeth, many old rednecks, (or burgendynecks as they say)have taken up the habit of gum chewing the tastless hide.
[edit] Some Magical Properties of Beef Jerky
- Make the beef jerky taste good.
- Make the beef jerky taste bad.
- Make the beef jerky taste really good.
- Make the beef jerky taste really bad.
- Make the consumer die.
- Cause the consumer to profusely open up a humongous can-o-whoopass, see above paragraph.
- In large amounts, cause the consumer to turn the color of the beef jerky he/she consumes. Except purple. You die instead. It's not very good to eat purple jerky, stupid.
- Cause the consumer to not be able to resist watching television 24/7, and 24/6 on leap years.
- At odds of 5:986, cause the user to win. At everything.
- At odds of two 986:5, cause the user to fail. At everything. Miserably.
- Cause the consumer's head to become a strange fetus-like shape.
- Cause the consumer's breath to begin to smell of beef jerky, which is definitely a masculine smell.
- Cause the consumer to level up very quickly
- Cause sudden urges to perform manly activities, such as: carrying railroad ties, killing deer with your bare hands and eating them (or making deer jerky out of them), building fences, killing (or making [or eating]) babies, not using deodorant, and smacking people with the back of their hand.
- Cause the consumer to never say never.
- Egg your house when you don't give it any candy on Halloween.
- Find the Holy Grail.
- Induce autofellatio.
- Make you wonder why the hell anyone would want to do autofellatio.
