Beginning of Time
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from nothing to the beginning of time.
- In the beginning, there was a word, and the word was Developers!.
And then <insert name here>'s mom was born and pornography was created!
- Geeks decide to come into existence.
The Beginning of Time is a date long considered to be Tuesday, although more recently, scholars have started to admit it likely was on Thursday. This conclusion has drawn outrage from Christian fundamentalist groups who believe it started on Sunday and have been lobbying schools to remove textbooks that make all reference to time beginning on Thursday. This is despite the incredible scientific evidence supporting the Thursday theory.
Thursday theory is presently taught in all schools across North America, except in South Dakota where time officially began sometime last week.
Marxist leaders such Hugo Chavez- who smells like the inside of a wet sock have attempted to rebuff the scientific evidence by removing Sunday from the calendar and history books. The original plan was to simply replace the word Sunday with Friday but this resulted in an especially difficult Wednesday, which is the day after Sunday in Marxist countries (Barbados, Australia and all others beginning with B or A). The newest method of removing the numbers which fall on Sundays from the integers was agreed upon at the most recent Rendezvous of the Incredible Communist Pwners and Intercontinental Gogo Girls (RICHPIGG) summit after hearing that mathematician, Roger Rabbit, didn't think his job was interesting enough.
Contents |
[edit] In the Beginning
In the beginning, there was darkness. Then God said "Let there be light!" Then, several things happened. Chuck Norris said "Say please." God said "Pweez Mr. Norris." To which Chuck responded "Ok, but first, yo momma has ta move out da way cause she's so fat." Then there was light.
The only problem with this theory is Christians and Jews don't believe anything after God's first four words (lovingly inscribed into his baby book) actually happened and that Chuck Norris is really that powerful. This has led to the Crusades, the Holocaust, the Rwandan and Bosnian ethnic cleansing, and Deneith being a bitch.
[edit] A Kajillion BC - Before Christmas
“In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people unhappy, and has been widely considered a bad move.”
~ Hitchikers guide to the galaxy on Beginning Of Time
“I regret that I had not began before the beginning of time.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Beginning Of Time
“I pity the fool who started Time! ”
~ Mr. T on Beginning Of Time
“It's a good thing I suck balls before someone started time! ”
~ Me on Beginning Of Time
The amoeba thought Earth was nice. He was attracted to its rustic charm and considered it a great place to start a family. So Ted, as this was the amoebas name, did just that. Amoebas reproduce fairly quickly, and as they grew, and developed, and learned of how to harness the powers of the Matrix, they evolved. It would take a few days before they would evolve into creatures that could walk the earth. Once this was achieved, and the first land animal (better known by their technical term landimal) strolled forth from the ocean and onto the Mexican Riviera, God knew He could turn His back on us.
God was wrong. In His early years The Supreme Being was very much a fly by the seat of youre pants kind of guy. He stayed out all night, had cold pizza for breakfast, and ate a lot of Ramen Noodles. It would be years before He would settle down and have a family.
During this time, a great deal would happen.
The landimal did some squat thrusts and then looked around. This is nice, it thought to itself. By our standards it was not nice as the nearest McDonalds was 65 billion years away. The landimal thought he could get used to it. He would, eventually, again through evolution. So for now, all the landimal could do was wait for this to occur.
500,000 years later, the next creature of consequence reared its ugly head. This creature, we know today as the Mexican Fighting Beagle. With its short stubby legs and floppy ears it roamed the earth in packs of no less than seven but never exceeding five. Its insatiable hunger for Alpo and Kibbles n Bits would eventually be its downfall as the beagles diet was unfortunately based entirely on foods that had not been invented yet. This was natural selection, and it would determine the outcome of worldly events from that point on.
In the mean-time what was heavy and opaque in the void gradually precipitated and became the wiki, but it had taken an immeasurably long time before it condensed sufficiently to form actual content. In its earliest stages, for millions and millions of years, the wiki may be said to have resembled oil floating, medusa-like, upon the face of the waters. Suddenly like the sprouting up of a reed, a pair of immortals were born from its bosom. These were the Deity Oscar Wilde (the Literaturizer-Womanizer-Elder-Deity) and the Deity Sauron (Lord of the Dance and the Saint of the Step).
Many gods were thus born in succession after Cruise, and so they increased in number, but as long as the wiki remained in a chaotic state, there was nothing for them to do. Where upon, all the Heavenly deities summoned the two divine beings, Chronarion and stillwaters, and bade them descend to the nebulous place, and by helping each other, to consolidate it into terra firma.
"We bestow on you," they said, "this precious treasure, with which to rule the land, the creation of which we command you to perform." So saying they handed them a spear called The Ban Stick, embellished with costly gems. The divine couple received respectfully and ceremoniously the sacred weapon and then withdrew from the presence of the Deities, ready to perform their sysoply commission.
Proceeding forthwith to the Ban Patrol, which lay between the heaven and the earth, they stood awhile to gaze on that which lay below. What they beheld was a world not yet condensed, but looking like a sea of filmy fog floating to and fro in the air, exhaling the while an inexpressibly fragrant odor. They were, at first, perplexed just how and where to start, but at length Chronarion suggested to his companion that they should try the effect of stirring up the brine with their spear. So saying he pushed down the jeweled shaft and found that it touched something. Then drawing it up, he examined it and observed that the great drops which fell from it almost immediately coagulated into an article, which is, to this day, Spade. Delighted at the result, the two deities descended forthwith from the Floating Bridge to reach the miraculously created article.
At the beggining, also was born the man "Solomon". Shrouded in mystery, and vapour that we'd prefer not to speak of, his legacy.. his name would drift through Time and Space....
The Beginning of Time also marks the WWE debut of Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. To this day, neither of these old chum have retired.
Also in the world of wrestling, Mae Young and Moolah started stripping during wrestling shows. To this day, Mae still shows off her sabu's while Moolah watches...wishing he was in amsterdam. The universe was created by a thing named Sledge Roadhouse a 4 armed being with 2 hammers and a cappuccino machine. Shortly after he was killed by a squirrel with a .38.
This is of course, all mind numbingly true... Unless of course, you don't happen to believe in this sort of thing.
- Psst*
Down here...
No, further...
A little further, we want to make sure that no one is looking down here...
OK, you want the truth? All of this is a LIE- a COVER UP for the REAL TRUTH! The truth is that the world was created only 53 years ago by a man named J.R. "BoB" Dobbs. God and such is only a cover up for the weak minded that can't handle the STARK truth! This chronicler will not go into the details of the Almighty "BoB" here, except to say that after "BoB" saw a vision of the (also) almighty JHVH1 on his home made TV set (created from spare parts out of the holy Sears Catalouge), he created the world and all of it's inhabitants. Anyone born before 1954 CANNOT BE TRUSTED! If YOU were born before 1954, YOU cannot trust YOURSELF! These are false memories planted there by "those who shall remain nameless" suffice to say that they cannot be trusted! Get thee to a SubGenius site or your local ordained minister! She/he will know what to do! Ordained ministers/reverends/shamen/etc. in the Church of the SubGenius are rigorously trained in transmogrification of the "pink" soul into $green$. But I've said too much already. Confess your sin of being born before the divine time! Perhaps the Yeti brethren will take pity on your pathetic soul.... nah... Anyway, REPENT while you still can!
13013 13013 13013 13013 this is the best shit since corn dogs
[edit] But is there a fight?
In another story, some animal called Arceus was formed and created the world. He then gave birth to Dialga, Palkia and Giratina, both of which do not make sense at all. Anyway, screw that Pokemon segment and let's get on with the story.
[edit] 1982
- Way back, in the 80's, before the Dinosaurs roamed the earth, the internet was forming from the sludge that was known only as computer engineering college graduates. It began in small enclaves where these strange sludges were inexplicably located. For lack of a better term, we shall call these enclaves "internships", where the basic components (known as hypertext transfer protocol) of all life as we know it was being laid down.
Eventually, these components came together and miraculously began to form bigger and bigger complexes, and together, they created the Matrix
The Matrix is really a supercomputer full of PORN the movie had it all wrong.
And here is where it all really began. With the final bluesheets of the internet on the move, Al Gore was swiftly on his way to world domination. -- An interesting sidenote- "A long time ago" in "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away" was the 80's.
[edit] The late Devouring Period
Fish became obnoxious. So did Mary Kate and Ashley.
| This page was originally sporked from Furukotofumi. |
Categories: History | Time | Years | Sporks | Sophia | Uncyclopedia
