Belial
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[edit] Belial
Belial is believed by many Catholic priests and other borderline alcoholics to be one of the few Arch-Dukes of Hell. He (if indeed ‘he’ could be correctly applied in this context) takes the form of a terrifying whirlwind of insane power and fury and casts a pounding shower of phlegm (and other less savoury bodily fluids) a great distance from the central point of his being. His occasional manifestations upon this earthly plain are generally confused with meteorological events, although some drink sodden weather forecasters have lately begun to correctly predict and identify these incursions from the pit, with the aid of urine soaked divining rods. Belial has a long history of interfering (sexually) with the human race and has been the cause of great suffering and gnashing of dentures.
[edit] Birth and Early Childhood
Belial is known to be the unholy bastard child of His mother and farther. His mother being a raging sub-tropical depression whilst his absent farther is thought to be a front of cold air heading in from the north Atlantic. He was born (screaming like a right bugger) during the infancy of the world and has lurked close the affairs of the mentally deranged ever since (see paragraph above).
His early childhood was thought to be idyllic. Many happy hours were spent by the young Belial flaying the flesh from the bones of the unhappy Damned. Especially those who coveted their neighbour’s arse, and indeed, the arse of his neighbour's neighbour's, neighbour's neighbour's neighbour's and the miserable bastards that have an encyclopedia dramatica account. He would spend long contented family holidays bathing in the blood spilt through the endless violence that has cursed mankind (and several forms of masturbating monkeys) since the Dawn of Time. This however came to an end after His father had a vile affair with The Jet Stream and was forced to leave home. Belial never recovered from this event and much of his fury and messiness today can be traced back to that time.
[edit] Alcoholism
It was during His adolescent years that he discovered that the girly Demons (all pink and horny) in his class rejected his sexual advances on account of his lack of a two pronged penisi. This compounded his loneliness and anger and led him to dabble in the human vice of heavy drinking. Being a demonic weather formation seemed no ample guard against the dire consequences of His chosen vice and very soon Belial was incapable of little else but mindless destruction and pissing through the letter boxes of the Working Class. His mother was delighted, and Belial, in his new and Hades approved state of permanent frenzy, quickly rose up the Hierarchy of Hell to become one of the Arch Dukes of that infernal domain. Not that Belial cared or even realised his new exalted position. After all, no drink crazed tramp would have the mental capacity to truly understand the supernatural and hyper-dimensional workings of The Pit. Neither would anybody else for that matter.
[edit] Doing the Dirty
Belial is well known for His hideous sexual peccadilloes. Some examples of His grievous molestations have been recorded by elite perverts within the Roman Catholic Church, and are listed below:
1. July 1235: A young woman of Spanish origin was slightly rubbed with some sand.
2. February 1345: A horse was wined and dined at an expensive restaurant but was allegedly not respected in the morning.
3. Christmas 1511: A flock of sparrows were touched in a suggestive and disturbing manner.
4. Tuesday 1603: A formal knot garden was bum raped stupid.
5. February 1853: A gentleman’s Top Hat was stolen, only to be handed in at the nearest police station filled to the brim with manky jizz.
6. June 1924: England was rubbed in a slippery coat of lubrication and ravaged by a shadowy presence.
6.66 In the highlight of his demonic career, he created Encyclopedia Dramtica, when in June 1933, he muttered to the right man, "Don't you hate people who say 'lol'? We should call them lulz." Thus and so.
7. May 1944: Gary Glitter was born.
[edit] Wild Parties
Belial is well fond of wild parties and leaves a trail of destruction behind Him at every opportunity. It was in 2005 that Belial heard that New Orleans was a good place for a couple of ‘swift ones’ with a few like minded fellows. It is thought that he set out from Satan’s Lair some time around August, late for Mardi Gras. Spotted by a number of meteorologists (utilising the new Urine Stick detectors – see above) Belial was quickly pointed out and labelled. Unfortunately for so many at that fateful time he was labelled with a ‘girl’s’ name. Little did the people know that this would remind this Master Demon of early failures with the female Cursed Ones and that he would associate this cruel period with a sense of impotence. The act of naming caused Belial to go utterly F’ing ballistic. He, as history records, hit the cost of Florida with weather arms flailing and weeing all over the place, creating a flood. The result is history and the subject of other scholars (or twats like me or that Jeffery Archer bloke).
[edit] Similarities to Azathoth
Many may remark that there are a number of aspects of the above description of Belial that chime with that of Azathoth (the blind, stupid God) as created (?) by the writer and part-time insane racist, H P Lovecraft. Pish and Tish to you I say! Or ‘Bollox’ in anybody else’s language. It is patently obvious that not only is the Azathoth title already taken, but that it is clearly superior to my meagre effort.
