Ben Folds Five
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“He was born, he learned to play the nose harp, and now he's cooler than anybody reading articles about him. Or, for that matter, writing articles about him.”
~ The Dude on Ben Folds
Ben Folds Five is a widely-used penetrating oil developed in 1892 by Gary Larson. Its name comes from the fact that it was Larson's fifth attempt at creating a substance to prevent corrosion. The previous four formulations failed at this task, but later went on to become hot chocolate, existentialism, the Hubble Space Telescope and France, respectively.
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[edit] Early Years
In 1994, having become disillusioned with the cut-throat world of anti-corrosion agents, Ben Folds Five became a witty (as opposed to not being witty which is of course the only thing worse than in fact being witty), piano-based rock ensemble. The band played their first gig about a month later, and signed a record deal a couple of months after that. Their first album release came in 1995. Despite earning fame and fortune in the music industry, they never lost touch with their roots in the lubrication business, and many of their songs contain references to that period of their career. One need only listen to songs like Best Lubrication of Myself and Don't Change Your Oil to get a vivid impression of the state of water displacement technology in the 20th century.
[edit] Breakup
In November 2000, the band tragically came into contact with an open flame and exploded violently, sending its various members off at great velocity and slightly on fire to pursue individual projects.
Nobody knows what became of the two other guys, and even their names have been lost in the mists of time, but Ben Folds himself went on to release several solo albums. His most infamous project, however, was to reanimate the corpse of William Shatner, whom he restored to full mobility with judicious oiling.
Ben Folds is a popular music trio who, for several years, managed to convince the public that he was only one person. When his subterfuge was discovered, Folds was forced to go into hiding, at his mom's house, back behind the woodshed.
[edit] History
Little is known about Folds' past or his childhood, which he steadfastly refuses to talk about. Many suspect he is the fraternal twin of Little Charlie the famous singing orangutan, although Little Charlie had a better voice. At any rate, he appears to have no childhood, and appeared on the music scene already a virtuoso nose-harp player. A publicity photo of Folds shows him standing atop the World Trade Center, seemingly doomed, as a plane loomed in the background mere seconds from crashing into the very building on top of which he was standing at the time. Folds miraculously escaped death at the photo shoot by liquifying himself, drooling down the side of the building and into a sewer grating, and then bubbling up five hours later in a toilet in the Sydney Opera House.
[edit] Where Is He Now?
Folds has moved to Easter Island with his new gay lover Oscar Edliw. Ben is also assisting Jesse McCartney and Jesse's husband, Aaron Carter, with Jesse's new album which includes the odd genre of music only known as gay pop. Now he plays in Overflow-Crowds.
[edit] People Who Have Slavishly Copied Ben Folds All Along And Won't Just Admit It
Note: All of the above persons have the same number of letters in their names, which proves that they are blatant plagiarists.
[edit] Discography
- BF-5, 1995
- Whatever and Ever Oleaginous, 1997
- Lubed Up Baby Photos, 1998
- The Unauthorized Buttering of Reinhold Messner, 1999
- "Fear Of Dying" 666
