SL Benfica
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“Our greatness is obvious. We have a cathedral, they have a toilet.”
“We will win 15-0.”
~ Benfica on every game
Sport Lisboa e Benfica, roughly translated to Cocky Disrespectful Lisboans United; and also taken to mean Sporting Lamps Eating Benfica, are, apparently, the only football club consisting of cunts in Portugal, and thus the world. They are thought of to have took out every other club during the Great Ego Inflation of 2002. Rumours of a second club in Portugal persist, though SLB dispute this as merely a poor dining club.
Even when there were other football clubs — and when O Glorioso admitted there were other clubs — Benfica never really paid attention to them, as they kept thinking that the 1962 Benfica side reincarnated (yeah, we hear that every year) will simply steamroller every other team, barely having to turn up.
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[edit] History
[edit] Pre 1960
Not much here, just the usual walkabout that happens when teams that are worse than if nobody turned up show up at big teams. But it does not matter, as nobody cares about any kind of early football.
[edit] The 60's
Benfica attain the services of Salazar, and, for the only real time in their history, start making a big name for themselves. Giants fall, Eusébio scored for fun, and Benfica gave themselves one heck of a fallback. If an overused one.
[edit] The 70's
Benfica fall dramatically, both domestically and in Europe. Everyone not in Portugal completely forgets about them, but Benfiquistas comeback by saying: "We were brilliant back in the 60's. We're the greatest!".
[edit] The 80's
Nothing much happens. Benfica wiin a couple of league titles, but yet again fail to do anything really great in Europe. Nobody in Lisboa thought that that was a bad thing however, with such excerpts as "1962 proves we will be the best for ever.", and "Ah well. There's still no more clubs in the country.".
[edit] The 90's
Benfica start to get even worse. They win absolutely no titles, a couple of cups though. Still nothing on the continent, as well. They also start to notice that their decrepid old cathedral (yeah, right) is starting to crumble, so they get the money-men and league bosses to plan a new one for them for €100,000,000,000, none of which is actually footed by Benfica themselves. This extended period of monotony may have rubbed off on the fans, as they continue to trot out the hugely-cliché "We were the best in the sixties; we're the best!" and even a "Get those old 60's veterans on the pitch!".
[edit] Millenium
The first few years were as drab as the 90's for Benfica, until their new cathedral was built, miraculously at the same time as Portugal hosted some sideshow event that made every man and his dog have a 30,000 seater stadium. Then, in 2004/05, the dry run ended.
There was partying in Luz not seen since 1962 after Benfica won that title. It was if they hadn't won anything since the 60's, although, if you listened to their fans, you'd think they'd hadn't. After that, there was a famous win over Liverpool FC, who lost due to sheer irony of listening to cockier fans. Then, at the end of that season, Gil Vicente peed them off a bit by coming to the wrong match, and subsequently were banished from the money kingdom of the Liga.
[edit] Players
- Eusébio - The only reason Benfiquistas harp on about the sixties. Why d'you think he's the only person from that era they can name?
- Nulo Golos - Scores goals, but only because opposition goalkeepers are scared of his hair.
- Quim - In the midst of Vítor Baía and now Ricardo, everyone forgets about him. Has one less goof than other two (he has only ∞).
- Oscar Cardozo - the GREATEST forward i've EVER seen.
- Freddy Adu - Wasn't he with DC United or Red Bull New York?
[edit] Estádio da Luz
The Cathedral (The concrete bowl), where Benfiquistas come to pray for a time machine to take them back to 1962. There have been two incarnations of this stadium, the half-decent one that finally crumbled in 2002, and the new onw, now complete with such amenities as videos of the old finals, half-decent seats, and, in a jibe to possible cross-Lisboa rivals Sporting, cheap, tacky toilets. However, this is confusing, as Benfica seem to think that Sporting don't exist, but still...
[edit] Supporters of "O Glorioso"
In Portugal, malicious Benfica Special Ops teams go round the country, maintaining a special "Castle of Benfica" in each municipality, making sure that most people are brainwashed so that they support Benfica. The club keeps its record of having the highest number of sócios (paying supporters) via mass brainwashing camps in many countries, such as Spain, England and the United States.
| The BWINLIGA | ||||
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Young Kids Association | Belenenenenenenenses | The Lamps | Boavista Futebol Clube | Ram-A-Doora | V.Grim Arches | Leixões Sport Clube | The Watermen | Nation of the Islanders | The Navy PFC | The Home Bankers | The Money-Men | V.Set A Bowel | Sporting Clube de Braga | Sporting Chokers de Portugal | União Desportiva de Leiria | edit |
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