Benjamin Britten

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“This is hamburgular”

~ Oscar Wilde on this

Benjamin Britten, 7th Earl of Cheeseborough (stardate 1372.6 - 4602.4), was a British composer, peenist, and clone of Jeff Buckley. When performing upon the peen, he liked to be known as Ji-him-him-himy, but this stage name has fallen out of use due to it's associations with William of Orange.

[edit] Life

Little Benjamin (real name: Lord British) was born to Terrence Trust Higgins, a welder and watcher of the OC, Lucille de Frongeflip and Seth Cohen. He started school, but soon dropped out, and began playing the peen and composing bawdy songs about Mr Jones the policeman. Peturbed, his mother and fathers tried to wean him away from the peen with drugs, but no amount of crack could disguise the fact that little Benjamin was destined for a musical life. In the end, they gave in, and sold him to Beethoven for a beanstalk. Unfortunately, Beethoven took an instant disliking to his new slave, and dumped him on a bridge. Luckily, this bridge was a talking bridge, and took a shine to young Benjamin, teaching him many new skills with the peen, and instructing him in the writing of compositions for orchestras.

With his ever increasing skillz, Benjamin decided to go on tour. He played at Reading and Leeds festivals, to great success, though his drowning out of Pulp led to a lifelong rivalry between our hero and Jarvis Cocker. One amusing anecdote tells of when Cocker pissed in Benjamin's shoes, then put them on Lucille de Frongeflip's head. Benjamin, however, got the upper hand when he shagged all the other members of Pulp in a pear tree. He named the tree Peter, and he grew very fond of it, nurturing it in it's production of pears.

Benjamin's success as composer was practically unlimited, or at least would have been, had he not invaded America on Monday. Unfortunately, America stole his nose, and wouldn't give it back, so Benjamin retreated back to Britain. The loss of his nose, however, made Benjamin increasingly sparse in his musical style, which led to the occasional blood sucking by the critics. This in turn made Benjamin increasingly unhealthy, and on Tuesday he died in the arms of his tree, Peter.

[edit] Works

Britten is best known for his work the Young Person's Guide to the Peen, a work designed to accompany an educational film made by the British government. He also wrote a Peen concerto, and a War Requiem, in which he mourned the death of war, in particular his war against America. His Sinfonia da Requiem is less often performed, as in it the instruments themselves are expected to sing the text of the Latin Mass.

[edit] Operas

Britten also wrote operas. One is called Peter Grimes, which tells the story of a man called Peter who's job was to put grime on windows. Another is called the Rape of Lucretia. The title is in fact ironic, for who would want to rape Lucretia?