Benjamin Disraeli
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“You don't even know who I am!”
~ Benjamin Disraeli on how you only came to this page because you heard his name on Family Guy.
“He died as he lived - all ceremony and no substance... and if I ever see him again I'll twat the little fucker”
~ William Gladstone on Benjamin Disraeli
“That Jewww”
~ Mrs William Gladstone on Benjamin Disraeli
Benjamin Disraeli (1806-1881; aka "Dizzy Reali" or "Dizzaroony") was a leading British politician and novellist of the mid-to-late 19th Century and the inventor of Britpop and LSD. He was Prime Minister for a couple of days in 1868 and again from 1874-1880.
He was famous for his flamboyant attire in Parliament (Historians believe this was caused by his perminant acid-soaked state) and his charismatic speeches to the House of Commons. After his first Premiership his adopted a more refined approach, sporting waistcoats, jackets and pantaloons bearing a Union Jack design. He also took to drinking cans of lager and smoking fags during Parliamentery debates, loutish behaviour, peppering his speeches with lenghly guitar solos and leveling abuse at rival politician William Gladstone out of Blur. These sessions would regularly decend into violence. This rivalry attracted much public interest and many feel they had a helping hand in pushing Disraeli's next four bills to the top of the charts.
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[edit] Early Life & Common misunderstandings
Disraeli was born Benjamin D'Israeli as party of a secret covert operation to raise a spy-child and make a really cool film about it. This project was later abandoned when it was highlighted that celluliod films would not be pioneered until much later in the century and spies would not really become popular until the cold war.
Contrary to popular belief — popular belief today being the unpopular beliefs of 5 years ago — Disraeli neither founded, nor was from, Israel. It is easy to see why you may think this — what with the word "Israeli" being in his name — but this was all a cunning plan that he made to trick people into buying his magic beans (as are the links to Israel in his name on this page). Nor was he, as is widely believed, a Benja or a Min.
[edit] Disraeli Gears
Prior to entering politics, Disraeli made money by writing novels which, history dictates, were a bit shit. He created a supply and demand equilibrium by gambling away every penny he ever made, thus spunrning him on to be better and make more money.
One result was Disraeli invented a hand-operated gearing system for bicycles, which enabled cyclists to shift between gears without having to dismount, disassemble the linkage mechanism, add or subtract gears with greater or fewer teeth, and rebuild the entire bicycle. The invention was a boon to the Tour de France, and enabled Lancelot Armstrong to overcome his nut cancer.
[edit] Career as a politician in the Conservative Party
Was marked by the his hit single, I'm a left wing conservative. As Prime Minister His famous crusade slogan was, let the rich protect the poor: death to the middle class! This made him one of the oddest conservative crusaders around, for this he was duly awarded an alliance with Oscar wilde, and Winston churchill.
[edit] Disraeli vs. Moses
Disraeli, feeling he had accomplished all he could , challenged Moses to a deadly duel to the death: the winner would be crowned heavyweight hebrew champion of the world. The bout quickly gained great publicity, and was thus moved to the 80,000 seater Jesus Dome.
ROUND 1....... Disraeli flummoxs Moses with a few lethal right hooks, leaving the 'King (of the Israelites) with plenty to think about.
ROUND 2........ Moses comes out fighting and startles Disraeli with a flurry of spirited blows.
ROUND 3........ As the combat begins to come to a close, the pugilists are seemingly neck-and-neck. Suddenly, Moses plunges Disraeli off the top of the steel cage with a stupefyingly painful choke slam. Moses is the victor — the championship belt and a lifetime supply of hot dogs are his. Disraeli is humiliated and goes back to his homeland in shame.
[edit] Music Career
Disraeli had a brief but successful rap career under the nickname "Dizzy Reali". With chart topping hit such as "He's just a Dizzy Reali" and "Big up my '67 Parliament Act". The last song of which caused a beef between him and fellow Parliament gangster Gladstone who claimed the lyrics and tune was stolen from his own "66 bitches". As a result Disraeli was shot 2023 times by Gladstone. This was particularly impressive as guns of the time could only fire one shot at a time before needing reloading. Modern historians are divided as to whether Gladstone used 2023 different guns that he had preloaded at the start or if he just kept reloading the same gun between shots. When he Disreali recovered a week later stated "It was all good fun", a statement which is now recognised to have brought an end to the turf was between the right wing massive and the left wing massive in parliament.
Disraeli first Album "Two Nations AT WAR!" has recently gone triple platinum.
[edit] The End
Disraeli moved back to his Philadelphia home with his shy and retiring wife Adrian, his son, and his loud-mouth, obnoxious brother-in-law. He never fully recovered from Moses' taunt, "I pity the fool, I pity the fool!"
