Bernard Manning
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“I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.”
~ Bernard Manning on his mother-in-law
“A hero has died. Now where am I supposed to get my material from? ”
~ Jim Davidson on Bernard Manning's death
“We regret to announce that Bernard Manning died peacefully in his sleep, despite all our efforts”
~ An Indian, a Pakistani and a Welsh Doctor on painless deaths
Finding fame in the 1970s Bernard Manning MBE was a comedian[citation needed] and one of the last people who genuinely considered that his repetitive racist drone and 'salt of the earth' Mancunian whine placed him at the forefront of British humour.
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[edit] Biography
From his 1974 autobiography Four White Men and A Darkie In An Alley "If I had to describe myself I would put ‘White’ on a form probably because I am attempting to be politically correct. I would say I am absolutely White. You know, I am not Scottish or Irish. They are exceedingly dissimilar, very dissimilar indeed. There is no point in pretending that I am other than White. I am quintessentially White in a lot of respects but I suppose I would be forced to say I was 'human' because I would feel that it was the politically correct thing to do. I consider my White skin colour as a significant boundary or point of demarcation regarding the recent questions of my ethnic and racial status as a flabby slab of pork"
[edit] Early Life
On the 30 January 1933 Manning was born weighing in at 3 stone 4 ounces. Manning’s mother claimed that she was in fact unaware of her pregnancy and believed that she was battling a nine month case of flatulence that explained the massive distention of her abdomen. When her waters finally broke and proceeded into labour she maintained to her husband that she had simply "fuckin’ gone an’ pissed me self, ‘int I!". Complaining of a relentless pain in her arse she demanded that she be driven to the hospital immediately where she grumbled to the medical staff “I think I got a really fat turd comin ‘ere doctor, I thor’ it were jus’ wind but it’s probably a huge shit I’m ‘avin!”. When Manning was delivered and handed over to his mother she exclaimed “Oi! this poo ‘int brown it’s fookin’ white and alive! …. I think I’ll call 'im Bernard”.
In school Manning enjoyed playing practical jokes on his teachers and demonstrated traits that would later form the basis of his adult carrer, as on one occasion, recalled in his 1983 autobiography A Coon, A Paki and a Coon Go Into A Pub, the young Bernard was nearly expelled for painting all the blackboards white claiming "I couldn’t fookin' see the white through all that fookin' black could I". Attempting to establish a carrer as a ballet dancer and abstract poet philosopher, his life was set to change when he was heckled and attacked one night during a performance of L'après-midi d'un Faune at the local working mens club, a disgruntled audience member threw a copy of Mein Kampf that hit Manning on the head leaving him concussed and dazed. Coming to, he decided to take the hefty tome with him and upon reading it Manning embarked upon espousing his social cogitations the very next day.
[edit] National Service
Like many young men of his generation Manning voluntarily signed up for a compulsory tenure of National Service at the age of 14. Whilst traveling the far-flung outposts of the Empire, Manning held little thought of entertainment as a career, until his national service resulted in his posting to Africa. To pass the time, Manning began to spout barrack room jokes to entertain the Coons and Wogs. His early success led him to put shows on at the weekends when he began to charge admittance and when audiences did not decrease, he then realised that there was the possibility of exploiting money from "Coon" jokes.
[edit] Untimely Death
Bernard died yesterday, aged 88 and weighing 453 pounds. His death was attributed to immense eating sometimes in the range of 120,000 calories a day. He also was fighting a losing battle with man-tit cancer. It is said he could not have been in more pain when he snuffed it. He apparently was cremated today and as tribute to his life had a negro and asian man burned alive with him.
[edit] Quotes about Bernard Manning
“I have nothing to declare but his genius”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bernard Manning
“Is there no beginning to this man's talents?”
~ Most People on Bernard Manning
“You are what you eat.....I've eaten so many fat cunts you wouldn't believe”
“Another racist piece of shit bites the dust. I hope that honky cracker burns in Hell!”
~ Darcus Howe on Bernard Manning
“He truly was a fat ugly cunt and I'm glad he snuffed it”
~ Chubby Brown on Bernard Manning
“I quite liked him as our acts were basically the same. Racist and about as funny as having bowel cancer. Its a shame he wasn't a nigger”
~ Chris Rock on Bernard Manning
“Bernard Manning's brand of racist humour was about as funny as a preachy internet page feebily designed to mock him in the name of comedy.”
~ Mum-Ra on In Living Mummery
“Jesus. I can't breath. I think I've just shit myself. Its the wogs that are to blame. Christ. My hearts just sto....”
~ The final words of Sir Bernard Manning, Lord of Wankton, Greater Manchester
