Betamax

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See also Betamax (other stuff)

Betamax is a failed videotape format that competed with VHS and laserdisc for the prestigious title of Oh Dammit, This Rental Movie is Three Days Late. It is believed that several factors contributed to the failure of Betamax, not the least of which was that it was jointly designed by Sony and Willy Wonka. As a result, the cassette shell was made out of chocolate, and the recording tape was licorice.

Although this purportedly gave fine picture reproduction, the cassettes tended to melt after the machine had been running for more than five minutues or so, and even the ones that survived were frequently eaten by children. Nevertheless, Betamax did well in the early days of home video, largely because the early VHS tapes were made out of putty.

After much complaints, The Betamax tape was upgraded to a 50/50 mix of Chocolate and, the more heat resistant, Gummy Worms. This was a greatly advertised change and thus most tapes of this era were consumed by the children faster than the previous chocolate tapes.

In the early 1980s, everyone in the home electronics and media industries switched from hallucinogens to pure narcotics, bought power ties and started making their video casettes out of plastic. However, the VHS companies ultimately won the battle. Nobody is entirely sure how; people just stopped paying attention around 1985 or so, because by then everyone was playing video games.

Operation of one of the new plastic Betamax cassette was very different from that of a VHS cassette. Wheras VHS tapes are operated simply by putting them in the microwave and setting the timer for the correct amount of minutes, this same tactic with a Betamax tape would ruin the tape, and make you miss most of the previews.

The early machines contained just a clock, it was only after Sony conducted extensive market research that it was later decided to add a playback and record capability. Betamax was also the first format to support QPS (Quick Porn Search) facility that allowed popular sections of tape to be quickly located using a patented tape wear sensor.