Bhagavad Gita
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“Is he the bad guy or the good guy?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Krishna
“I'm blue da ba dee da ba dai da ba dee da ba dai da ba dee da ba dai...”
~ Krishna on himself.
| Do take note of the plentiful varieties of |
| Holy Scripture |
| out there in various religions... |
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Judaism and Christianity |
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Buddhism |
The Bhagavad Gita is a kali yuga-year-old Hindu religious text from the Mahabharata, a Hindu epic so absurdly long that it makes the New York telephone directory look like a post-it sticker. Most hindus prefer to read just one chapter, the Bhagavad Gita, often in glossy coloured wrappings filled with religious kitsch that makes it look like a leaflet from Jehovah's Witnesses.
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[edit] Origins
The name means Baghdad Bob in Sanskrit, indicating the importance of telling the truth in a warlike situation. It tells the story of how Arjuna, a great but wussy archer, is propelled by his charioteer, Lord Krishna. Arjuna is reluctant to start a mayhem, slaughtering his own cousins, friends and masters. Krishna however, teaches him that the true way for a player in the major bloodbath league is not to start making questions and stop obeying orders, but just go on with the battle.
[edit] Backstory
Initially, there were many brothers vying for the throne of Neverland, namely, Dhrtarastra, who cannot be king because he's blind, Pandu, who can't be king because he's been cursed with celibacy for accidentally killing a holy man he mistook for a deer, Hamlet, who can't be king because he's to obsessed with his own miserable karma, Dhrtabandi, who can't be king due to the loss of his left testicle, Pandalini, who can't be king because he is half-goat, and the mildly retarded Ghosa, as well as his twin Ghosavandajralabandhrtaspandinkirinkitinki, who was passed over for succession because his name was simply far too long to be taken seriously.
However, most editions of the text only concern themselves with the first two sons, Dhrtarastra and Pandu, because they had kids who actually fought for the throne, and the rest simply didn't care. After much intrigue, including exile to the forest for twelve years, a rigged dice game, Arjuna's year in hiding as a eunuch, and eating enough roast venison to make themselves vomit, they finally said "Alright already!" and had a battle.
Arjuna was concerned, of course, because during the battle he would be killing his cousins. Krishna (Krsna, for dark-colored, although he's usually represented as blue[1]) attempts to comfort Arjuna, and tells him that it's his caste duty to kill his cousins, and then he tells Arjuna that he's God.
[edit] The caste system during the time of Arjuna
For those of you unfamiliar with the caste system:
- Nairs: Pimps from Kerala, these guys are above the caste system, much to the consternation of the "twice-born" Brahmins[2]
- Brahmins: Priests
- Ksatriyas (e.g. Arjuna): Warriors
- Jedis: Funny Talking warriors that worship Yoda as their "great ancestor"
- Golapandaras: Chicken farmers
- Golavanjriyas: Elephant scrubbers
- Vaisyas: Merchants
- Sudras: Farm laborers, cleaners
- Rendarlyangas: Politicians, the lowest class and considered unclean
- You: We're not sure what you are doing here, but according to this article, you are considered to be so low, you don't deserve to be in a caste at all. Even the Rendarlyangas would be ashamed to have you as a member.
[edit] What does it all mean?
The ultimate message of the Gita is to 'chill the fuck out', that the material world is inconsequential. "Do your duty and don't care about the consequences." (Although some apocryphal translations include 'Only bathe on Tuesdays', 'Paul is dead', and 'Always watch out for the Golapandaras'.)
In other words, it is concluded that everyone just shut-up, switch their brains off, tune-in, drop-out, and do whatever they have to do because life is cheap anyway. The greatness of this philosophy is evidenced by the state of India's quality of life today.
Many scholars believe it to be just a sub-plot written by Mario Puzo for his dark comedy The Godfather, which got rejected from the final draft which went into print.
[edit] Fun facts about the Gita...
- The battle itself was settled between Arjuna and Karna in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors that took 18 days.
- Vya`sa, advised by his PR-agents excluded the Gita amongst a load of other chapters from his first verson of the Mahabharata, thus simply called the Bharata, since it was considered political incorrect by Arjuna slaughtering his own orphan half-brother. When the original Bharata failed at the box office, the Maha part with the Gita was added later together with most of it's voluminous violent, pornographic and pulp fantasy material.
- The royal Guru of the Pandavas court, the one who though both the Pandavas and the Kauravas all they knew about martial arts and controlling their desires was Druuna [1] (Sanskrit: द्रोण, druuNa)
[edit] Notes
- ↑ There is much debate on why Krishna is usually shown as blue in most artwork. Some say he ate too many blueberries, other attribute this to a nuclear accident, or an ancient surplus of blue paint. Most scholars concur, however, that it is for no apparent reason.
- ↑ a twice-born should knock be taken literally. a "twice-born" Hindu is an ember of the upper castes who can crawl back into the womb he/she once sprouted from (or a hired womb if his/her parent womb has expired, i.e. been deaded by accident or nature) before he/she turns 15 and re-emerge after an anointment ceremony that certifies that he/she be given another chance to emerge and live, once again, provided he/she is willing to swear that he/she shall leave his/her deepest subconscious fears and insecurities at the womb's door. Once-born Hindus, i.e. members of the lower castes, die once they choose to crawl back into the womb after birth for they do not have religious sanction to re-emerge. Statistically, a once-born Hindu's average lifespan is half the "twice- born" Hindu's average lifespan.
