Big Bang
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The Big Bang is the largest sex act the universe has ever known (think George Zimmer). The Big Bang was approximately a thousand times larger and, some scientists speculate, three hundred times harder than anything we know by today's standards.
Not to be confused with the creationism, which is about the creation of the universe, the big bang theory merely attempts to explain the existence of the milky way. First suggested by ancient philosophers to be a collection of distant stars, we now know that it is the result of the use of coitus interruptus, the only type of birth control readily available when the big bang happened.
According to Keith Richards, the big bang occurred some 8 septillion beers ago (9 billion solar years).
Most scientists now agree that the participants in the big bang were George Zimmer, and his famous "Zimmerman Note". This was revealed to be the truth after the discovery of the GPS. Prior to a definitive answer about the participants many alternate participants were suggested including Sonny Moore and Bert McCracken.
In the first occurrence of the year 1997 there was a much disputed theory that when the number of Starbucks reached critical mass, estimated to be about 4 septillion, the universe would collapse back in on itself and would have to be recreated, including a repeat performance by the participants of the original big bang. This resulted in a great deal of fear since it was felt that with only 8 septillion beers (9 billion years) in which to recover Big Papa Bot would not yet be sufficiently recuperated for a bang of sufficient size and the milky way would not be reformed.
An alternate fear was that with the uprising of STDs and the invention of the condom Cleopatra would insist on using more reliable birth control which, again, would prevent the creation of the Milky Way.
This theory was referred to as the "Poof, There It Goes" theory and was disproved when the number of Starbucks worldwide reached 5.3 septillion during the second occurrence of the year 1997. Those who believed this theory, however, spoke out loudly about the evils of condoms, even after the theory was disproved.
It has now in 2008 been proven how the big bang happened. It was an intergalactic fight between the two greatest beings ever created. Chuck Norris and The Stig! Both of Them blew up and landed on a rock (Which they eventually turned into Earth). They were then only a trillionth of the size they used to be. The Time between Top Gear Episodes The Stig is usually flying around in space in a super version of the koenigsegg ccx with the spoiler that was his idea. He travels to the other planets he created and makes Top Gear on them. In Chuck Norris' spare time he acts like a normal person on Earth so he can experience human life. The Stig Now wears a suit all the time to hide the deformities that occured from the big bang. They are now the two world leaders but this is only known by prime ministers, presidents, kings/queens etc. It has been kept a secret for years and is written on a secret document in the centre of the Earth. Chuck Norris made a deal with The Stig that they would never have a fight again to avoid destroying Earth as Chuck Norris loves humans. In return Chuck Norris has to stay on Earth and isn't allowed to other planets.
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[edit] Big Bang Makes the Big one
After the Departure of the Lesbian race on our planet, Ebay became the biggest websites in the world, after the entire earth participated in "sex"
[edit] Criticism
Sir Fred "Hoyle" Flintstone strongly opposed this theory during his entire life, proposing that milky way was never caused by the Big Bang. Instead, the universe would be in a Tantric or Steady State, in which the coitus had not yet come to an end, creating the milky way.
Others have denied this particular theory, saying that the Big Bang was caused by God lighting a fart on fire.
In his essay "Treatise on Stuff", Descartes has opposed the Bing Bang theory and has called it a misunderstanding. He claims that the concept of the Big Bang has originated from the Latin Big Bong, which explains the existence of the Universe as an illusion of the mind after an experience with a Big Bong. Thus, when we talk about the Bong as a Bang we simply immerse the mind (of the individual self) to a realm of deeper understanding. Therefore, in Descartes' own words; Cogito Ergo Sum (en. Congenital Argot Some).
Some Mongolian scientists believe that the big bang is the result of the war in Iraq. They claim to have evidence that Saddam blasted his weapons of mass destruction into space, in an attempt to hide them for UN (unique nitwits) officials. According to Mongolian simmulations of the various launches, the rockets should have collided some 40 billion kilometers to the left of the fabulous land of the elves where they exploded and bended the space-time magic marker. The following calculations should prove those theories: (5*ln(1/n))^u = MCAlbert Where n stands for the number of times an elve pooped during the launch of the rockets, u for the number of chimps that piloted the rockets, and were MCALbert stands for the average grade of groovyness that Albert Einstein scored on the last poll in 1946. Unfortunately no other scientist wants to confirm this theory, because the rest of the world is ignoring Mongolia since they declared war against the gipsies.
Several other theories have been proposed as well, including the Small Bang Theory, the Moderately-sized Bang Theory, the Just-big-enough Bang Theory, the Large Whimper Theory, the Chitty-Chitty-Bang Bang Theory, the "One-a-Bang, Two-a-Bang, Three-a-Bang, Boom" Theory, the "I was Drunk" Bang, and the Box-office-flop Bang Theory, all of which had more scientific merit than the Big Bang Theory but due to decreasing popularity in science (and thus, Popular Science magazines) the Big Bang Theory became the norm partially due to its relative simplicity (everything blew up...) and partially because the movie version would be more likely to attract male teens in the 19-25 demographic. Even though the movie version was eventually scrapped (most likely due to the negative reaction films received when they left out subplots in scientific theories), scientists stayed by their initial claim due to both their stubbornness and their unwillingness to be a flip-flopper.
[edit] Trivia
- Among those created during the Big Bang include VIRON, Y2k, the phrase "Big Wang", Osama bin Laden, Saddam, and Hitler.
