Bigfoot
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| Bigfoot | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Order | Primates |
| Family | Hominidae |
| Genus | Sasquatch |
| Species | bigfoot |
| Binomial Name | Sasquatch bigfoot |
| Primary Armament | Teeth with which to bite you |
| Secondary Armament | Unwashed Feet with which to stink like hell! |
| Power Supply | 10 times stronger than humans |
| HP: | OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!! |
| Mana Points: | WAY OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAND!!!!! |
| Strength: | 95 |
| Intelligence: | 75 |
| Weight | 200 kg |
| Length | that's sort of personnel, isn't it? |
| Special Attack | Transforms into Super Sonic
|
| Conservation Status | Critically Endangered |
Doctor Harold Bigfoot Crandall, also known as the Danbrady, is one of the world's leading zoologists. He has dedicated his life to studying such commonplace animals as the Ogopogo and Loch Ness Monster. Bigfoot holds three doctorates from Yale, Harvard (both honorary) and West Gruberfield State. He is the current president of the USA and smells of his own stinky feet stepping in rhino feces.
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[edit] Childhood
Danbrady, with his fondly acquired nickname Toe Man, was born in 1954 to a family of not-quite-as-big-footed parents. His father, Alistair Crandall, was a stockbroker and his mother, Jenette Crandall (née Walters), was a housewife a.k.a an African jungle gorilla. Danbrady was their first and oldest son. He wasn't very good at horrible eating.
Following the American communist revolution and subsequent obliteration of the stock market, Alistair moved the family to Oregon and became a gas station attendant. In Oregon, young danbrady developed his life-long homosexual love for the wilderness and creatures within it. This love is so great, that his favorite past-time is trying to screw every twig, rock and badger that he sees (note picture to right, the pile of logs and sticks is all that remains of a large evergreen that suffered the fate of all organisms that Bigfoot tries to screw).He currently wrestles in WWE.
[edit] Controversy
In 1987, controversy (much like his putrid foot odor!) arose in a stinky, dark green cloud around Bigfoot's smelly feet following his declaration that he would seek out the American hairless ape. Many serious biologists scoffed at the idea that the creature even existed, comparing it to other popular mythology such as the Loch Ness rainbow trout and the "lost continent" of Australia. Bigfoot disappeared into the wild, and returned several months later. Bigfoot claimed he had come upon a family of hairless apes he affectionately called "the Hendersons." He reported he had lived among them and even been accepted as one of their own, allowing him to witness their behaviors. He released a documentary, Harold B. Crandall and the Hendersons, but many claimed the footage was a hoax, claiming the Hendersons were nothing more than yetis wearing pink latex.
Nevertheless, Bigfoots notoriety in the scientific community brought the serious search for hairless apes to the attention of the world, and the Crandall Scientific Fund was set up to continue his research. What's that smell? Seriously though, something STINKS in here!
[edit] Sighting
Another sighting of a bigfoot has been reported by a man with no name. He claimed that, while camping, he saw a big, ugly, stinky, hairy monster. When he went to check it out, the monster killed him and his entire family. After the brutal slaughter, the man said, bigfoot ate himself. Investigators are still looking for this bigfoot, but s/he's nowhere to be found.
But the man when he was not spitting out his tobacco claimed, "That there monster better not come back now! Ya' hear!?" the man said pointing his shotgun at us.
In June 2007 Bigfoot was finally captured or so everyone thought. On closer inspection it turned out to be Janet Reno naked. Everyone was upset but the mystery of bigfoot was finally solved.
[edit] Bigfoot Dating Ad
I am a 364 year old male seeking a female. I enjoy praising the Lord, stargazing, terrifying nearby campers, and forcing them to massage/smell my massive, stinking feet. I am currently unemployed but I am looking for a job in pediatrics. I want to have kids. Frequent stinker, don't respond if you have dander allergies. I'm covered with... uh... pets. Please respond quickly, I am very lonely, I promise ladies it's bigger than a foot.
[edit] Awards
- 1967 Monster of the Year
- 1985 King of the Pacific Coast
- 2007 Monster of the Year
[edit] Cousin
There is a creature called the BIG ASS that resides in America. It looks like a HUGE pair of buttocks that is furry.
It's known to be hunted across the Pacific Northwest. The only way to track this creature is to leave a GPS system lying on the ground in the Big Ass' old footprint. This is because the Big Ass'...Ass is tender, so it tends to tread the same ground over and over again, preferably in soft mud, or sand. So hunters will place their GPS tracking systems inside the old "Ass" print in hopes to get the system up the...ass, far enough to track for a couple of days.
[edit] Political Career
It is the symbol of the US Democratic Party. The Democrats said that we really need to show people what WE are, thus they chose the hairy BIG ASS.
[edit] Arrest
Bigfoot was arrested in 1999 for a supposed connection to the disappearance of three film students in the woods outside Burkittsville, Maryland. Investigators found the footage taken by the students under an abandoned cabin, and after thorough examination of DNA evidence, hair, the rate of cheez-it consumption in Tonga, and The Roswell Sepcimen, they arrested Bigfoot for murder. However, it was soon made clear that the scientist was innocent, and that the murders were in fact a hoax generated by the Lifetime channel in order to get more viewers.
Recently, it was arrested for indecent exposure when it shaved off its fur.
[edit] Son
Largefoot is the successful son of Bigfoot. He has written books, poems, owns a corvette dealership, and lives in Seattle, Washington.
| | The Foot Family |
| Bigfoot | Oprah Winfrey | Largefoot | |
