Bilbo Baggins
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“Bravest little hobbit of them all”
~ Leonard Nimoy on Bilbo Baggins
“If you turn the fs around, guess what it spells!”
~ Bilbo faggins on The name "Bilbo faggins"
“I can't believe the silly little bastard put that ring on and went Wuptengruber!”
~ Gandalf on Bilbo Baggins
“Bilbo Baggins Does not care about black towers!”
~ Sauron on Bilbo Baggins
Dildo Baggins (Faggins?) or Bilbo Ballsack is the protagonist of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, a children's pop up book he wrote as a prequel to The Lord of the Rings, in the hopes to make the latter more palatable to the semi-literate Dungeons and Dragons nerds who are his target audience.
In the story, Bilbo is an unemployeed, middle-aged, furry boggart (or hobbit) with a debilitating pipeweed addiction that is shanghaied by dwarves to go on their stupid adventures.
All the critics gave the book poor reviews, but it enjoys being in print still, mostly because the publishers change the cover art every couple of years to trick the public into thinking that they're purchasing a different book.
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[edit] On Bilbo
Tolkien describes Bilbo, more or less, as being a horrible little rat-like creature that lives in a burrow set deep into a hillside, far below where respectable people live. His clothing, obviously slept in, is suited for his favorite activity, lounging around at home smoking the halfling leaf. He's always walking around barefoot, his hair is greasy and it looks like he hasn't washed in forever.
This is fairly typical for all hobbits, however, and the only truly remarkable thing about Bilbo is that he is in his forties, where as the average hobbit lifespan is closer to that of your common garden variety rodent.
[edit] Synopsis of The Hobbit
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Hellboy opens the door to Hell, Number Six escapes from The Village, Tony Montana dies in a raid on his mansion, Seinfeld and his friends are found guilty, Niles and Daphne get together, Heathcliff finally dies, and Catherine and Hareton get married, Barnaby is already partly zombified, Saturos and Menardi aren't evil, the Lizzie monster eats Tim O'Hara after the credits, R + L really does = J, Jason is really Superman's son, M. Bison was the killer of Chun Li's father, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
Bilbo is spending a lovely night at home doing bong hits when there's a knocking at his door. No sooner does he answer then he's hit in the head with a cudgel and shoved into a burlap sack. Later, upon awakening, the hobbit found himself surrounded by a bunch of mandolin-wielding dwarves. The wizard Gandalf was also there and explained that these were the only dwarven bards in the whole of Middle Earth, shunned by all the rest of the dwarves, who refuse to take levels in any class other than fighter or cleric. They were on their way to jack some dragon for his treasure, planning to use the funds to start their own bardic college, when after a couple of random encounters they realized that a party composed entirely of dwarven bards is completely useless. They've already recruited Gandalf with promises that he has dibs on all the magic items, but still needed a thief, which Bilbo obviously was since he was a halfling. Bilbo couldn't argue with this, and after being hit in the head with mandolins for several minutes happily agreed to join their quest, in exchange for full party shares of treasure for himself and his donkey.
From that point on they had many boring adventures, including, but not limited to:
- The encounter with trolls, wherein many of the dwarven bards were eaten. Bilbo mostly just watches, but afterwards enacts a daring rescue plan that involves getting the trolls stoned. Unfortunately, this gives the trolls the munchies, and they eat the rest of the dwarven bards. Gandalf casts Melf's Acid Arrow at the trolls until they die, and then he and Bilbo drag what's left of the dwarves to the nearest temple to get raised, after having grabbed all the best treasure for themselves.
- The encounter with goblins, wherein the peaceful and friendly creatures invite the party into their community, only to have Gandalf kill their king for the experience points. The dwarves lay into the rest of the unarmed goblins with their mandolins, and somehow Bilbo is pushed into a well/cesspool. After being deposited in the goblins' sewer, Bilbo meets a pathetic, old, subterranean hermit, who offers to join Bilbo in a friendly riddle game. Bilbo agrees, and then promptly proceeds to cheat the hermit out of all of his possessions, and kicking him in the crotch before running off laughing. This nets him the one ring those other books go on about, but to this day he swears he found it in a Cracker Jack box.
- Gandalf leaves the party to solo, and soon after they're arrested by the wood elves for setting forest fires. In an amazing display of thuggery, Bilbo carries out his plan to free the dwarves, which involves shady lawyer practices, grassroot campaigns denouncing the dwarves' imprisonment, heartwarming 'triumph of the dwarven spirit' TV movies, but mostly getting the elven screws at the prison drunk and then crotch kicking them into submission.
Finally, the group reaches the dragon's lair where Bilbo covers the remaining dwarven bards in arsenic and tricks them into charging the dragon so that they may 'set up the sneak attack' for him. The dragon eats all of the bards and goes off on an after dinner flight, before the poison finally kicks in and kills it, resulting in the corpse crashing into and destroying a nearby laketown. Bilbo laughs while loading up his mule with treasure, and that's when Gandalf returns in a cheesy puff of smoke. He joins the hobbit in laughing at the carnage, and then collects his share of the loot before taking off. In the end, Bilbo rides back to his rat hole, richer than sin, and returns to his simple life of pipeweed fueled debauchery.
[edit] In The Lord of the Rings
Bilbo only has a few cameos in the sequel trilogy, more or less showing that no reprecussions have resulted at all from his many horrible crimes.
[edit] Who is the Lord of the Rings?
According to many accounts, Chuck Norris was seen in his Martha's Vineyard home controlling the Sarumon robot. However, many people think it is Oprah that is the Lord(ess?) of the Rings. Other candidates include Count Dooku, Bill Gates, Paris Hilton, Oscar Thorpe, Uncyclopedia editors, and Anakin Skywalker.
[edit] Controversy on the true place of birth
Some have argued that Bilbo probably was born in a unknown place of the Basque country. That's because the largest city is also known as Bilbo. Early witnesses, still alive on ground tell that maybe Bilbo Baggins must be renamed as Bilbo Urrutikoetxeabarrenaanasagastimendiabasagoitia, which usually apocopes as basg, and later on baggins. The same witnesses ensured that its the only known case of a basque abortion of two weeks. Every basque abortion has been proved to survive since today. Another evidence of the basque origin is the abnormally big head exhibited by the forementioned.
