Bill Belichick

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Bill Belichick
The Anti-christ, Cheater
That's a HUGE dildo
Reign	2001-2008
Born	Unknown
	Locker Room
Died	2008
	White House Yard
Predecessor	George Bush
Successor	Tom Coughlin
Consort	Ask Randy Moss
Issue	Never found a life partner
Father	Unknown
Mother	Satan

“It's only cheating if you get caught!”

~ Bill Belichick on cheating

“I mis-interpreted the rules”

~ Bill Belichick on South Park

“C'mmon; it was only the Jets!”

~ Bill Belichick on getting caught cheating

“Nobody plays Madden on XBOX Live anyways.”

~ Master Chief on competition

“I like it when he cheats.”

~ your mom on Bill Belichick cheats

Contents 1 Birth 2 Time with the Browns 3 Billy and the Jets 4 Building an Army 5 Patriot Act (football) 6 Battle of the Decade 7 David and Eli-eth 8 Death 9 In Media Culture

[edit] Birth

Little is known on Bill Belichick's birth. Many people believe he is the son of a Winnie the Pooh after some drinking, while others think he could the collection of sweaty football equipment raped by Dick Cheney. Nevertheless, shortly after being born, he was abducted by Satan and trained by him to be the antichrist for the end time. By the age of 4 he was given his human body and was sent off and told to become a football genius.

[edit] Time with the Browns

In 1991, after leading the Giants to a Super Bowl win a defensive coordinator, Belichick would go on to sign up with the Browns as their new head coach. From 1991 to 1994, Belichick was able to lead the Browns to playoffs each year by injecting the players with steroids. Eventually he was fired by Art Modell after it was discovered that Belichick have been planning a coup d'taut.

[edit] Billy and the Jets

After spending few years on welfare, Belichick would eventually join the New York Jets as a defensive coordinator under Bill Parcells. Together they would almost lead the Jets to the Super Bowl until the third quarter of the AFC which happened so quick and allow John Elway to retire as a champion. After Parcells left, Belichick would be named a new head coach until that fateful night. While having a press conference, Belichick took out a tissue and sneezed so loud that he went to the bathroom. After tossing a rolled up piece of tissue into a waste basket, one of the reporters picked it up and found a message written from snot, "I quit!".

[edit] Building an Army

In the year 2000, he took command of the New England Patriots, a simple organization of pathetic football players. One of the first acquisitions to Bill's team was Tom Brady. Once acquiring him, he began building the army. In the following years, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick would mate to produce an amazing football team. The two gave birth to athletes such as Teddy Brusche, Ty Law, and Bill Clinton. Once creating a powerful legion, the team would begin to try to take over the world.

[edit] Patriot Act (football)

After assembling a team to take over the world, in 2001 Belichick would then have the House of Representatives and the Senate pass the law called "The Patriot Act" which would ensure the New England Patriots will be dominant for years to come. Angry at this, Kurt Warner protested the law before being dragged away by agents where he was never seen again.

[edit] Battle of the Decade

In the year 2006, Bill Belichick began plans to conquer the world. The first target they had in mind was the American Apparel. This T-shirt company giant had been producing clothing for years, but Bill had a problem. As seen in this picture, Coach Belichick does not like shirts with sleeves. Some people tend to believe that Bill began "cutting" at an early age. This stems mainly from the fact that his mother(your mom), did not like to breast feed. However this attempt to capture the factory was stopped by the NFL hero Brett Favre's protege, Peyton Manning. Accompanied by Gandalf and Jesus, Peyton stopped Bill's and Brady's attack. This angered him, and so a year later he went back to Satan for advice. Satan and the rest of the team decided to conjure the biggest demon to ever walk the face of the earth - Randy Moss. With his help, Bill was sure he could conquer the world. At this point, it seemed that Coach Belichick was unstoppable. He would enter the 2007-2008 NFL regular season with hopes of being perfect.

[edit] David and Eli-eth

With the acquisition of Randy Moss, Bill was sure he would dominate the world. The Team easily won all 16 of the regular season countries. Most battles went uncontested, and the opposing armies were easily destroyed. Soon, Bill had his eye set on the White House. Once reaching the White House, The Patriots were surprised by a seemingly unknown army known as The Giants, led by General Eli(sock-it-to-ya) Manning the Great. Thanks to a siege led by Michael Strahan, Eli had become a true man, ready to end Bill Belichick's career and his reign of terror on the NFL.

[edit] Death

One afternoon after The Patriots were vanquished by Eli's army, Belichick was sweeping his garage when he tripped over some dead puppies. When falling he accidentally opened the cage that contains a tiger. Eager for freedom and meat, a tiger attacked Belichick and ate him. Now that Bill is dead, it seems that the NFL is back in order. Since that day Tom Brady would spray special "gatorade" on his tombstone. The grave is located in the Patriots locker room as seen in the picture to the right.

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[edit] In Media Culture

Belichick is featured in multiple Final Fantasy games. He is often known as a boss to fight with the following stats:

Belichick
HP: 1714
MP: 181
ATK: ???
DEF: ???
Immunity: Confuse, Berserk
Ability: Summons Patriots, casts Scan
Strategy: Cast Vanish/Blink to all your characters to render his scan ability useless and to cause all your enemies to miss their attacks. Ignore the other enemies he summons and just attack his ass.

On some Final Fantasy games, he joins your party as a Time Mage with the Scan ability.

He's a giant DICK.

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Belichick is believed to be featured in the Yu-Gi-Oh Anime and Trading Card Game. On the Anime, he is known to be the first person to wear the Millenium Eye before he removed it himself. On the TCG, he is featured in the following card:

Eye of Bill Belichick
Normal Spell Card4
Look at your opponent's hand, deck, and face-down cards on the field.

Unfortunately, the card itself is forbidden in Advanced Format

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Belichick is featured in Pokemon: Vick League as a member of Team Galactic. He carries the following Pokemon in battle:

Machoke
Sableye
Wobbuffet
Mewtwo
Magnezone