Iron Man
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- This article is about Bill "Iron Man" Clinton. For his super duper secret identity alter-ego, see Bill Clinton.
| ||
| Order: | 53rd President | |
| Vice President: | Swingin' Regis | |
| Term of office: | January 20, 2038 – August 13, 2038 | |
| Preceded by: | Ronald McDonald | |
| Succeeded by: | Fidel Castro | |
| Date of birth: | 1973 | |
| Place of birth: | Alabama | |
| First Lady: | Margaret Thatcher | |
| Political party: | The "Wing it and see what happens" Party | |
“I am Iron Man! Nananananana, vote for me!”
~ Iron Man on Running for election
“ I am Iron Man! I can fly to tokyo JAPAN!!”
~ Iron Man on Singing his favourite tune
Bill "Iron Man" Clinton (sometimes styled iRon Mano, Bill Clinton v 2.0 or Slick Iron Willie) (1973-2076), Is actually the power mullet-wearing Alter-ego of mild mannered former president Bill Clinton. Basically, he's this rich guy who killed his rich father and bought a power boosting suit from terrorists. It allows him to perform attacks like superfarts and enhance any disgusting bodily functions. He was the 53rd President of the USA (as opposed to his alter ego, Bill Clinton, who is also an ex president) and was the Chairman of Dork Comix Ltd., a company that produced low-quality comic book adventures for dorks aged 8-28. During his brief run as President, he admitted 20 more states into America, commanding a flag redesign as well as redrawing the maps to encompass the 20 new states, as well as taking France off because of his nuclear accident. It wasn't his fault, I swear. Iron Man is noted for being the first president to have good song about him (Seen Below), because "When the Dubya Breaks" was an embarrassment to presidential music. Under oath, Iron Man passed several laws, like the "All Your Chicks Are Belong To Us" amendment, and to stop the Republican Dick Cheney's heinous acts from ever happening again, he passed the "Retards are 3/5 of a Person Act", as well as the "Republicans are now slaves of the working class" Amendement (How's THAT for irony?) Personally, Iron Man's retard Republican slave was Bob Dole.
Iron Man's presidency was plagued with controversy, much of it coming from the "Regis scandal", which centred around Vice President Regis Philbin stealing money in the vault for his show Who Wants to be F*cking Rich Jerk? to buy his wife, Barbara Streissand, luxuries like slim jims, publicity, and her two front teeth for Christmas.
Contents |
[edit] Birth Of The Greatest Hero America Has Ever Known
In 2005, long after Clinton's first presidency, Vice President Dick Cheney came to power after a long power struggle (See Dick Cheney)and Became Grand Emperor Dick Cheney, with Darth George Dubya Bush as his right hand man/spokesman. The duo quickly used their new powers to "liberate" (destroy or enslave) the entire human race and turn Earth into the American Empire.
Emperor Dick Cheney then proceeded to improve upon Ronald Reagan's "Star Wars" project until it became his very own Death Star. The evil emperor then executed US Army directive 166, ordering that Al Gore, Michael Moore, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and all leaders of the Democratic party be rounded up, taken into space, executed, and fired into the Sun. However, Bill managed to escape the execution somehow, and then, wounded and dying, he immediately traveled back to Earth to exact revenge on Emperor Dick Cheney and Darth Bush.
After his wounds healed, Clinton decided that the best course of action would be to make a suit of flying armor out of Gold-plated Iron, like Iron Men of the past. He attempted to build it himself... He added the appropriate, er, attachments, of course... But alas, his first 25 attempts failed. Frustrated, he hired Stark Industries, who agreed to keep the project secret from Emperor Dick Cheney, to help him manufacture it. (Stark industries had a bone to pick with Emperor Dick Cheney since a no-bid contract that should have gone to them went to one of Emperor Cheney's private companies). Stark industries finally invented a working suit of many wonders. The suit could fry eggs, wash clothes, access the internet wirelessly via Wi-fi, store books, iron clothes, fix cars, play MP3's (with an additional $20 accesory), wipe windows, grill chickens, get every television station on the American Empire except HBO (that costs extra), and of course, most importantly, help him bed interns, secretaries, aides, pages, and women in general just by having them look into its eyes.
Bill Clinton at first decided to use the suit to earn money as a pro-wrestler known as..... the amazing, the terrifying, the battery-consuming Iron Man! However, he let a robber run past him instead of stopping him. Back home, he found that that robber had killed his wife Hillary Clinton (Who would later be reborn as the evil, notorious "Two Fister" and challenge Iron Man). Delighted, he made a deal with the demon Mephisto. Mephisto gave him wonderful Ghost Rider powers in return for one night of hot sweaty gay ass sex (the freak).
Later, Bill was kidnapped to a secret lab where scientists bombarded him with gamma rays and fused adamantium to his skeleton, giving him a healing factor and adamantium... claws (what did you think?) . A spider got irradiated as well and bit "Bill". He then went to make sweet love to that robber for revenge.
Nevertheless, finally the champion of the American Democracy, Iron Man Bill Clinton, was born!!
After a while, Iron Man began to notice that he was doing a little more screwing hot chicks and a little less revenging and evil-fighting than he had originally planned, so he decided to finally get down to business and attempt to take down the evil Totalitarian American Empire run by Emperor Dick Cheney. He would start by finding a suitable sidekick to help him bring Democracy back to America.
[edit] Iron Man's Trusty Sidekick, Iron Willy
Iron Man Clinton has had a variety of sidekicks, from “Captain Planet” Albert Gore III (former vice president Al Gore’s son), to “Iron Jaw” John Kerry, both of who have gone on to pursue Superhero careers of their own. However, no sidekick has been as trustworthy as his loving former pet rooster Iron Willy.
Originally, Iron Willy was Slick Willy, Bill Clinton’s prize winning beloved pet rooster. He was named so after the nickname the people bestowed upon Bill during his presidency in the 90’s. However, when Bill Clinton was sent off to be Gore-ified by Emperor Dick Cheney, the Emperor sureyed Bill's house, when suddenly out ran the pet rooster... and upon reflex Emperor Dick Cheney pulled out his “Hunting rifle of DOOM” and shot the poor bird dead.
Bill came back and found the poor dead fowl at his home. He gave it a proper burial and promised revenge. After Bill’s frustration from not finding a suitable sidekick he could stick with, Stark Industries once again approached him, promising that with the right technology they could “Make Willy stronger. Make him faster. Make him into an unbeatable Iron Cock!!” “Let’s dig him up!” Bill replied.
After months of intensive training and modifications, Stark Industries was done with the bird’s carcass, and Iron Willy, the 600 million peso cast iron bionic rooster was ready!
Iron Willy was extremely versatile, and a perfect compliment to Iron Man Clinton’s armor with matching color and finish. He could fold down into a small cube for easy storage, so Iron Man Clinton could store him in a small compartment on his armor located where his left trouser pocket would be.
- The mere sight of Iron Man Bill Clinton reaching in his pocket and pulling out his mighty Iron Willy was enough to turn even the most hardened criminals into quivering little pussies.
- The rooster could also turn stiff so it could be used as a blunt instrument to hit evildoers with, a move Clinton referred to as the “cock blow”
- When a hostage situation was encountered, Iron Willy was trained to go in and taunt the perpetrators so they would follow him while Iron Man saved the hostages. This maneuver became known as the “cock tease”.
- To apprehend criminals, the rooster could fly around them in a circle and create an energy circle, known as the “cock ring”, through which evil could not pass.
- The rooster could spread its iron wings to form a mighty shield which Iron Man could hold in front of him in a move known as the “cock block”
- Finally, as a last resort, when Iron Man and his Iron Willy were in desperate trouble, the bionic bird could gag and spew forth an extremely sticky adhesive which could stop any evildoer in his tracks, called the “cock glue“. Criminals loathed being covered in the Cock glue which spewed freely from Clinton’s Iron Willy the most.
Lots of evildoers and villains have attempted to beat Bill Clinton’s iron bird, yet all have found it to be much harder than they expected.
[edit] Battle with Emperor Dick Cheney's Totalitarian American Empire
By this time, 20 years had passed since Emperor Dick Cheney and Darth George Dubya Bush had taken over the United States and the rest of the world to form their American Empire. Emperor Dick Cheney’s American Empire Death Star was done blowing up and rebuilding Saturn (See Dick Cheney), and was quickly moving toward Uranus.
Iron Man Bill Clinton had been a thorn on Emperor Cheney’s side for two years now, coming out to stop the American Empire troops when they abused their power over the poor enslaved people of the American Empire. Word spread that Bill Clinton’s Mighty Iron Willy could not be beat, and Emperor Cheney put a price on Iron Man’s head.
Iron Man realized, however, that stopping isolated incidents and minor abuses of power were never going to get him anywhere against the mighty American Empire, so he came up with a brilliant plan to get a final showdown with Emperor Cheney and exact his revenge. His plan was simple: to challenge Emperor Dick Cheney to a final showdown aboard the Death Star. The brilliant part? When he issued the challenge, he agreed to televise it and give Emperor Cheney all movie and pay-per-view rights, privileges, and profits, making it an offer he knew the money-hungry emperor could not resist.
Of course, Emperor Dick Cheney accepted Iron Man Bill’s challenge… partly because he could never resist the prospect of making himself even richer and partly because he didn’t want to break the stereotypical Super-Villain image he was enjoying. He did kind of want to get rid of Bill, of course. Anyhow, the date was set for July 4th, 2025, and Emperor Cheney started making “preparations” for Iron Man Clinton’s demise in true stereotypical super-villain fashion.
Two weeks before the big event, there was an official interview between the participants. Don King acted as the mediator, and Emperor Dick Cheney appeared via a hologram from a closed circuit link-up. Cheney opened by declaring that Iron Man was unpatriotic for not being in line with everything the American Empire stood for. Iron Man replied that part of being a REAL American was standing and protesting against unfair regimes. Cheney lost his patience quickly and shouted:
"Being an American is about protesting a leader's practices if you don't agree with them? Where the hell did YOU get THAT from?! If expanding the American Empire by overtaking Earth, building a Death Star and blowing up our sun is wrong, we don't want to be right!! That's it! Interview over! Guards! Seize Don King and have him Gore-ified!!"
Needless to say, the interview was done.
Two weeks later, Iron Man was transported in one of Emperor Cheney’s personal ships to the Death Star. The first thing Bill Clinton did once arriving was ask “say, huh huh, where are we?” at which point Emperor Dick Cheney, now sitting high in his throne with Darth George Dubya Bush at his side, replied “Foolish Clinton! We are close to Uranus!” to which Clinton did not answer but chuckled uncontrollably for about 20 minutes or so.
Emperor Cheney, wanting to dispense with the foolishness, began the Pay-per-view event by reaching for a surprise: he himself had built a slightly smaller, more compact mechanical rooster identical to Clinton’s with which to fight, calling it his “Little Dick“ (he wanted to call it his "minidick", but then Dr. Evil would have sued... and besides it wasn't THAT little). Clinton whipped out his mighty trouser bird, but Cheney declared he wasn't impressed and that size didn't really matter, to which Clinton replied "That's what they all say!!!". Cheney and Clinton proceeded to duel with their mighty metallic birds as Darth George pasted macaroni and glitter on a sheet of paper. In the end, Iron Man was able to beat off Emperor Cheney’s “Little Dick“, at which point the Emperor fell back, exhausted and defeated (yet, somehow satisfied). Cheney called Darth Bush to come to his aid, but poor Georgie had already drunk a 6-pack of non-alcoholic beer earlier and made a macaroni and glitter drawing, and the poor little fella was all tuckered out and asleep.
Seeing that it was all up to him, Emperor Dick Cheney reached for his mightiest weapon. In less than a blink of an eye, the Emperor had pulled out his mighty “Hunting Rifle OF DOOM”, cocked, loaded, and aimed it at Iron Man Bill Clinton’s heart with deadly pinpoint accuracy. Iron Man had been expecting this, so he quickly executed his “cock block” shield, deflecting the shot and sending it right in the direction of the Death Star’s pilot, killing him instantly.
It was then that Emperor Cheney realized a critical mistake in the Death Star’s design: it was operated by a single pilot (with about 300+ engineers running around in the background just for visual impact). No one else in the entire space station knew how to fly the damn thing, and without guidance it was heading closer and closer to Uranus. (something Clinton was real quick to point out, huh huh) Emperor Cheney panicked and tried to steer his prized $25 trillion space station in the opposite direction.
Amid all the chaos, Iron Man immediately ran for an escape pod, but not before making a joke about a Bush, Iron Willy and Dick Cheney’s “Little Dick” heading straight for Uranus. He escaped and headed towards The American Empire (formerly earth). At this point, Darth George Dubya Bush woke up from his nap amid all the commotion, and he was cranky. He approached Emperor Cheney, who was frantically pulling on the Death Star’s steering wheel, and told him HE knew how to drive, citing “that one time the pilot let me sit in his lap and take the wheel”. Cheney damned it all to hell and ran for an escape pod, leaving Darth George in the Death Star on a collision course with Uranus.
The Death Star collided and was wrecked in Uranus, and EX Emperor Dick Cheney was reportedly sent spinning into the vastness of space in a space pod, shaking his fist in true stereotypical super-villain fashion, shouting “We’ll meet again, Iron Man! And next time it is I who will beat your Iron Bird!! Ny-aaah, I'm Dick Cheney, Ny-aaah!!”
[edit] The Aftermath
After the wrecking of the Death Star and the apparent defeat of Dick Cheney and George Dubya Bush, the American Empire fell apart and power was given back to the individual countries. The United States of America was reformed as a Democratic nation and Iron Man Bill Clinton became the 53rd president of the United States, passing among others, a bill that would make all Republicans slaves of the common people to insure that nothing like Emperor Cheney’s evil rule ever happened again.
However, after 5 years, in 2030 Dick Cheney finally found his way back to Earth (formerly the American Empire), to everyone’s horror. Everyone expected him to challenge Iron Man and try to take over the world again, but to everyone’s surprise he wanted to start a career producing movies, starting with “Iron Man vs. Emperor Cheney: The Movie”. When interviewed and asked how it was that the mighty American Empire under his control had fallen so easily to Iron Man Bill Clinton, he bluntly replied,
“Well, to be brutally honest, I threw the fight. There were millions of dollars worth of bets to be made that way. Also, if I killed Iron Man when I had the chance, and you know I NEVER miss when I shoot, there wouldn't have been good material to make a movie out of, and then I couldn’t have made all the money I’m making from “Iron Man vs. Emperor Cheney: The Movie” and its many, many crappy sequels people will go out to watch despite the little fact that THEY SUCK. Besides, after all those years together, that little moron George was really starting to get on my fucking nerves…”
Currently, Dick Cheney is richer than ever before, making millions of dollars from “Iron Man vs. Emperor Cheney: The Movie” and its 5 sequels. He is currently working on a 6th sequel and in talks for a contract for 10 more sequels…(which goes to show, if there’s one thing more evil, bloodthirsty, dirty, and PROFITABLE than a totalitarian empire, it’s the entertainment business)
Meanwhile, Ex-Darth George Dubya Bush, is reportedly still living inside the wrecked remains of the Death Star in Uranus, among the Crab People that infest it. (President Iron Man Bill Clinton makes sure to make jokes about it daily... "What's worse than being wrecked in Uranus?"). Darth Bush takes 3 naps a day, gets to eat as many sugar-free snacks from the Death Star fridge as he wants, and is allowed to finger-paint on Wednesdays and Fridays.
[edit] Known Villains
Known villains who have challenged Iron Man Clinton during his career as super hero/sex toy and their secret identities.
- Emperor Dick Cheney
- "Two Fister" (Hillary Clinton)
- "Steel Shaft" (Bob Dole)
- Darth George Dubya Bush
- "Buzzkill" Ken Star
- "Big Ear" (Barack Obama)
- "Colonel Hitler D. Schwarzenegger" (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
- "Pope Benedict" (Emperor Palpatine)
- "Captain Colbert" (Stephen Colbert)
- "Rozilla" AKA "The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man" (Rosie O'Donnell)
- Dr. Phil
- "Warhawk" (Donald Rumsfeld)
- "The Oprah" (Oprah Winfrey) and the League of Extraordinary Grandmas
- The Scientology Sith Lord, Tom Cruise
- "The Black Jack" (Jack Black)
[edit] Powers
Bill "Iron Man" Clinton has these powers:
- Can recite 3 whole notations of Pi, up to 3.14
- Able to roast, grill, and fry chicken simultaneously (and haneously) in mid-air
- Able to manipulate Hellfire and remote control a flaming bike that can ride on water.
- Can walk with 2 whole feet
- Super strength due to the radioactive Katie Couric bite
- Witty-comment generator
- Universally loved accent
- Irresistable charm factor
- Able to bed any woman that comes within 10 feet of him
- can take as many round house kicks he want by chuck norris
Note: All Powers (save for number nine) are made up by Iron Man to impress the ladies. (But due to his Imagination2Reality machine, he can make these powers happen)
Our sources also claim that his Imagination2Reality is also made up to impress the ladies.
[edit] Presidency
During his campaign, Iron Man was very popular over his opponent, Ronald McDonald, and ran under very successful campaign slogans such as:
- You will all have superpowers
- McDonald is a fat whore
- Superpower is the key
- An iron man with an iron... heart (what did you think?)
He also successfully lied about McDonald to the media and tabloids, stating that "As a child, did you know the McDonald forced his mother lo live under the stairs eating nothing but Lima beans?" Thus, the public turned against McDonald and his campaign, and went as far as driving a Hummer through the White House door, costing 40 million dollars in damages and a really cool video to watch if you have those 3-D glasses. On election night, as a result of McDonald's falling popularity and overall loser factor, Iron Man ranked up the night big, winning the "President of the Year" Oscar at the Academy Awards and was complemented with a basket of soaps and gel, which later rusted his suit and sent him to the emergency room.
[edit] Laws Passed
- The Law Consisting of Complicated Words Made To Seem More Intelligent That Normal People Won't Understnad Act (TLCCWMTSMTNPWU) : We have no idea, as we are normal people
- Retards are 3/5 of a Person Act (very popular with pedophiles) : Anyone with an IQ under 90 (sorry Bushie) is made slave property to whomever can afford them. Iron Man's retard slave is still Bob Dole.
- Baaaaadassss Act: Anyone who isn't at least half a baaaaadassss or badass-er will be imprisoned. Positive Effect: Thousands of parents god rid of their homosexual children.
- Flamboyant Speedo Act: Flamboyant speedos are unlawful unless worn by Chuck Norris or his retard slaves.
- The rest of the laws he can't recalls as he was too intoxicated to read whatever Congress shoved under his pen.
[edit] Bill Clinton As Iron Man Theme Song
Bill Clinton the Iron Man had a special song written for him for use in his campaign. It is the song "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath, with alternate lyrics written by The Smokydoggg. This can be considered one of the official theme songs for old slick willy's alter-ego.
"Iron Man" Bill Clinton by The Smokydoggg
Has he lost his mind?
Did he just grab that chick’s behind?
Does he have eyes at all?
(You'd have to be blind to screw Ms. Jones)
He had a 3-way with K-fed,
And Britney Spears, with his member of lead.
Any woman passing there,
Suddenly compelled to give him head…
His member turns to steel,
After ONE glimpse of Jessica Biel,
Screwing hot chicks all the time,
Even after Ken Star made it look like a crime.
Paula Jones wants him,
She’s the ugliest bitch in the world.
But he’s planning more wild romps,
Booty calls he will soon call…
After partyin’ and drinkin’ beer,
Watch your virginity disappear.
Takin’ on all the babes,
From all the parties and the raves.
Monica wants him,
Like every woman in the world.
He’s planning some wild romps,
Booty calls he will soon call…
He dives into bed,
Ready for Lewinsky to give him head.
Old Hillary’s seeing red,
Because Here ‘comes’ Slick Willy again.
Song completely 100% composed and written by The SmokyDoggg. Black Sabbath had nothing to do with this. Except that sentence. That's it. I swear.
[edit] Election Results
[edit] Afterlife
According to Iron Man's biography, Boy Did I Screw Up This Time, he wansn't aware of his existence from ages 70-85, when he attended a multitude of crack-fueled orgies. Later, he woke up one morning and went "CRAP!"
| Preceded by: Ronald McDonald | President of the United States early 2038-late 2038 AD | Succeeded by: Fidel Castro |
[edit] See also
Iron man's final statement before leaving office
| |
| Superheroes and heroines | Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel |
| Supervillains | Venom - Dr. Doom - Emperor Galactus of the World and Universe - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - Fred Phelps - Venom - Dr. Octopus - Spot |
| X-Men | Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy |
| Salacious Six | Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth |
| Other teams | The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven |
