Bill Gates

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bill Gates.

“How can a guy with that much money not afford contacts?”

~ Linus Torvalds on Bill Gates' three-inch thick specs

Bill demonstrating the latest version of the BSoD in Windows Vista.

William Henry Gates III (October 31, 1955), also known as Bill Gates, is an obsolete x86 microprocessor with 640K of L1 cache which runs MS-DOS. He is extremely rich and one of the biggest nerds ever. This guy is such a nerd, he started his own personal computer company back in 1975 of which he is currently the "executive chairman" (or "head nerd"). He is the company's largest shareholder with 8% of the stock. As of 1995, he has been noted as being the richest man alive with an estimated net worth of over a sch'zillion f'lillion k'willion dollars.

Aside from being very rich and nerdy, Gates is also a philanthropist. Over the course of twenty years, Gates has donated over $120 billion^[1] to various organizations, including the United Negro College Fund and NAMBLA. In 2005, People Magazine named him "Sexiest Nerd Alive", and later that same year, he was voted #9 on Rolling Stone Magazine's list of the 50 greatest inventors, beating out the guy who invented cheese and the guy who invented the machine that puts all of those "Dole" stickers on all the Dole bananas.

1 Early life
2 Microsoft
- 2.1 Monopoly
- 2.2 Money
3 Personal Life
- 3.1 Brother's Death
- 3.2 Autobiography
4 Trivia
5 Quotes
6 Citations

Early life

Bill Gates was born in Seattle, Washington to William H. Gates Jr. and Mary Maxwell Gates. Both of his parents were very successful in their own right, his father being an assassin and his mother being an unaccomplished bank robber. He had some siblings, but nobody cares about them.

He attended the most prestigious preparatory school in Washington as a youth where he developed his interest in computers.

Bill Gates discovers that women, unlike computers, do not accept 3.5" floppies.

As a child, Gates was also in the Boy Scouts, where he achieved the second highest rank, "Asshat".

Bill Gates got an unimpressive 420 on his SATs. He enrolled at Harvard University in the fall of 1973, intending to get a pre-law degree. While at Harvard, he met his future business partner, Steve Ballmer. At the same time, he co-authored and published a 780-page review paper on Star Trek: The Animated Series, calling it a "disappointment" and "boring".^[2]

Microsoft

Gates left Harvard to demonstrate one of his prototype BASIC interpreters for Micro Instrumentation and Telemetry Systems, a new computer company that had launched one of the first microcomputers, HAL 9000. After a successful demonstration and product launch, Gates founded Microsoft to the dismay of Earth.

In 1981, IBM awarded a contract to Microsoft. On November 20, 1985, Microsoft released its first retail version of Microsoft Windows, originally a graphical extension for its pathetic MS-DOS operating system.

In 1989, Microsoft introduced its most sinister office product, Microsoft Office. Microsoft Office was a bundle of separate applications, such as Microsoft Word and Microsoft Excel. On May 22, 1990 Microsoft launched Windows 3.0. The new version of Microsoft's operating system boasted such new features as more memory leaks and faster loading of the BSoD for the Intel 386 processor; it sold over 10,000,000 copies in two weeks.

Microsoft's success continued from there. Below is a comprehensive list of all versions of Windows released by Microsoft.

Release date	Version	Analysis
June 1985	Windows 1.01	Horrible.
August 1986	Windows 1.03	What a piece of crap.
Dec. 1987	Windows 2.03	See above.
June 1988	Windows 2.1	Lame.
May 1990	Windows 3.0	WTF?
April 1992	Windows 3.1	3.1, new and still crappy!
October 1992	Windows For Workgroups 3.1	Yawn.
Feb. 1993	Microsoft Bob	Cool name, but it eats tits.
August 1993	Windows NT 3.1	Meh.
Nov. 1993	Windows For Workgroups 3.11	What the hell is a "workgroup"?
Sept. 1994	Windows NT 3.5	BULLSHIT! Sucks.
Nov. 1994	Windows NT 3.51	Windows 3.5 for the 1337.
August 1995	Windows 95	Finally, something good.
Sept. 1996	Windows NT 4.0	Whatever.
June 1998	Windows 98	Yay for memory leaks!
Feb. 2000	Windows 2000	Blue screen of death in a box.
July 2000	Windows Me	See above.
October 2001	Windows XP	Pwns.
April 2003	Windows Server 2003	K.
Nov. 2006	Windows Vista	Shiny, but really fucked up.
Oct. 2023	Windows 7	Based on MinWin, which is just like DOS but with an ASCII-art logo.

Of the three who founded Microsoft, one of them died, leaving all of his shares to Paul Allen, who in turn got cancer and handed over his 97% of the shares to Bill Gates. That is the truth of how Bill Gates, because he got it from a sick friend who inherited a ton of shares from a dead guy, became the arbitrary leader of Microsoft.

Monopoly

An early logo for Microsoft.

In 1998, Bill Gates started a game of Monopoly with Sun Microsystems chairman Scott McNealy and Netscape CEO Jim Clark. Gates quickly took control of Boardwalk and Park Place and from then on, dominated the game, quickly driving Clark to bankruptcy. According to McNealy and Clark, Gates repeatedly engaged in shady business dealings throughout the game, such as forcing them to buy copies of Internet Explorer whenever they landed on his properties, making interest-free loans to himself while acting as banker, and arguing that McNealy and Clark shouldn't get any money when they landed on free parking since it wasn't in the official rule book, even though everyone always plays that way. Also, he took the little hat piece even though Jim Clark always plays the little hat and even called it first.

An anti-trust case was filed against Gates. The initial ruling found against Microsoft and ordered him to surrender his Death Star and to sell off either Tatooine or Endor, and to go to jail, directly to jail, without passing Go or collecting 200 dollars for his T13 sand speeder. However, the ruling was later reversed.

Money

Rich motherfucker. Perhaps you don't realize just how rich of a motherfucker.^[3] You should be wearing a monocle while reading this. It's true that only twelve nations in the world are richer than Gates. Doubt him and he'll crush you with his 1,000 gigapound wallet. Then he'll smack you with an Xbox 360 and take a dump on your head. Bill Gates can stand on his wallet and be taller than Godzilla.

Also, keep in mind that Bill Gates was, as of 2006, declared to be officially richer than God. As a matter of fact, from the moment that you started reading this article up to now, Bill Gates has become exactly USD$ 2,343,645.55 richer than God; that means he has hired another 100,034,090 rent boys. Now stop reading, the motherfucker is getting richer. And richer.

Personal Life

One knows nothing about Bill Gates until one learns the sad story of his personal life.^[4]

Gates married Melinda French of Dallas, Texas on the first of January in 1994, right before he became a billionaire^[5]. They have three little nerds together.

Gates' house is one of the most expensive houses in the world, and is a modern 21st century earth-sheltered home in the side of a hill made of solid gold overlooking Lake Washington in Medina, Washington. According to King County public records, as of 2006, the total assessed value of the property (land and house) is $toomuchforyoutobuy, and the annual property tax is just under $1,600.

Bill Gates' mug-shot shortly after being wrongly arrested for the death of his own brother.

Brother's Death

Bill's younger brother, Dave, was one of the first employees of Microsoft. While his brother worked away his nights on creating the first computer, Dave spent his time playing text adventures on their father's Sinclair. On a fateful night in 1993, Bill came into the room while David was doing this, and thereby discovered that the box he had previously thought to be a plaque commemorating the end of the civil war was in fact a computer which had therefore already been invented rendering his hard work of 10 years completely useless.

Enraged, he murdered David on the spot, buried his body and later claimed that he had gone missing while they were on a hiking trip. Mary Gates actually found David's corpse the next day since his arm was sticking out from the ground between the radish patches in the garden. He was given a proper Catholic burial which, as very few people know, involves posting an ad the next day stating that the deceased person has gone missing.

An investigation by police led to the arrest of Gates for the murder of his own brother. During the trial, in an event shrouded in mystery, an odd transaction of money from Gates' checking account went to the account of the presiding judge, Judge Hawthorne of the Washington Courts, and Gates was subsequently dismissed of all charges and the death was ruled as a suicide. Gates has since then openly confessed to killing him. In honor of his brother Bill named his first operating system Windows NT. Though his brother would've probably preferred it if Bill simply wouldn't have killed him.

Autobiography

Bill and his wife, Melinda.

Bill Gates wrote his autobiography, "Things I Can't Buy" in 2000. The book currently holds the record for world's shortest book, and it reached number one on the book charts and stubbornly refused to move, even after heartfelt talks with its mother and an offer of a healthy retirement sum. It is reported that the book's popularity was mainly due to Bill Gates himself buying out every copy as it was printed.

Trivia

Gates has stated some of his favorite hobbies:

Painting pictures of Linus Torvalds in various death scenes, using MS Paint.
Amateur HAM radio (Co-sign: Big Willy).
Watching what you do online, as stated in the Windows End User License Agreement.
Swimming naked in a pool of Xbox 360s.
Ironing his money.
Playing with his floppy disk and hard drive.

Bill Gates, in an interview with "Rich Weekly", stated: "I like to think that for every blue screen the Windows system has shown, I earn $0.001." Some have argued that is where his wealth came from.
He is an open Scientologist.
Bill Gates does not have a moustache like Joseph Stalin.