Bill Hicks
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Evidence has shown that this page may have been written by an alien from Roswell in the name of Bill Hicks, and therefore no humor should be taken seriously. Someone rewrite this? I feel spaced out and woozy.
“Bill Hicks was a mean spirited man, and a threat to the marke.. the population of USA, he told the tru... said things that are offensive and wrong, and that's why we had him kill.. I mean that's why he died. It was the will of Pepsi Col... God”
~ The Government on Bill Hicks
“Some of the best times I’ve had with Hicks, Fnord! Especially that one time when he convinced me to steal Oscar Wilde’s wallet, man that was a blast, hahahahaha”
~ Robert Anton Wilson on Bill Hicks
“Dead”
~ A Present Summary of Bill Hicks
Bill Hicks (16 December 1961 - 26 February 1994) is probably most known for his inspirational style of comedy, in which he frequently expands on the blessings of the Lord, gently enticing his audiences to let go of their wicked, heathen lifestyles to embrace the love of Jesus, and his Father, the Good Lord himself. Always ready to say a kind word to whomever wanted to hear, Hicks’ life, and his comedy, were mostly marked by his devout missionary work – he would often venture into such locations that are frequented by people living in the darker regions of our society, such as waffle houses, truck stops, and of course all kinds of dark and seedy bars (“dives”); Hicks felt that in those locations, people needed him and his message of love for the Good Lord the most. Never one to utter a bad word about anyone, always kind to those whom he deemed lost, and a regular pillar of support to various Republican administrations, Bill Hicks devoted his life to explaining to people that there really IS a God, that he loves us all, and that dinosaur fossils really were left there by The Blessed Light we call Our Lord to pull a prank on all of us.
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[edit] Hick's formative years
There are several stories on where and when Hicks was born, and who his parents are. This chapter of his life seems shrouded in mystery and even mysticism.
[edit] Some hairbrained theory involving UFOs and Elvis Presley
One historian claims that around the time and near the location of Hicks’ birth, people were seen gathered near the small desert town of Roswell, New Mexico, staring at Three Lights in the sky. Reportedly One Wise Man from the ancient town of Memphis came to this gathering of people, claiming he had followed the Three Lights to this point to come and find there the Holy Child. He had brought the Child a brand new Cadillac as a gift. But as this Wise Man from the South, who had introduced himself as “The King” began singing glory to The Child, and started violently dancing, and shaking his hips, people became afraid of this King and mowed him down in an assault of soccer-balls, which a lot of them had brought. It is reported also in this strange version of events, that none of the people present had thumbs...
[edit] Accepted official version
One of the most accepted versions of reality, is that Hicks was born on December 16, 1961, the illegitimate son of an unemployed, white trailer-dwelling woman, whose name was unfortunately lost to the world after the Great White Pookah rampaged that specific trailer park. We do know that for the first few years of his life, Bill was called “truck-driver junior”, after his alleged father. It wasn’t until the age of 5 that an employee of the Show World Adult Video Parlor, named Manny, took “truck-driver junior” away from the trailers, settled with the young lad in Austin, TX and gave the boy the name “Bill Hicks”, without really knowing why.
[edit] Unknown details about Hick's childhood
Then there’s a gap in the story of Bill, which shows remarkable similarities with the stories of Jesus and Superman, both of whom also disappeared from the scene of human activities for a few years. It is assumed that, like Jesus, but even more so, like Superman, Bill went off to a far-away location to discover his superpowers.
[edit] Hick's comedy career
Hicks first hit the comedy scene in his early twenties. He took audiences by surprise with his message of love and understanding. This message was soon reaching unheard of heights when Bill started openly and fully supporting the US Administration’s war efforts in Iraq in the early nineties. But that was not the full extent of Bill’s message of love. He understood the magic of marketing and advertising, he advocated the benefits of supporting the Pro-Life movement (“to love life”), spoke out against drugs (i.e. Marijuana), sex, and rock music. Everyone who knows him will remember his devotion to wonderful artists such as Debbie Gibson, Rick Astley and George Michael. Hicks is perhaps most famous for single-handedly proving, for once and for all, that President Kennedy was assassinated by the lone gunman Charles Ignacio Ahab, a disappointed member of the Discordian Church. He was also the mastermind of shooting the pilot of a one-man TV show starring Billy Ray Cyrus as Leonardo DiCaprio.
After that he expanded his career by recording a cover album of Brown Noise called Rant in E Minor. He told a few people that he came to that conclusion after having been awake in Tennessee for a long time - supposedly a large, 32-ounce coffee spiked with psilocybin put him in the right frame of mind for such deep thoughts. On a similar trip he had a glimpse of future times, where in the next evolutionary step of man (or rather, men), the bottom vertebrae is going to disappear.
[edit] The Letterman cancellation and Elvis (again)
In 1993, Hicks was scheduled to appear on David Letterman's The Late Show, but the Cunt Broadcasting Network (allegedly caused by a born-again Christian billionaire CBS board member who called the network, because he feared anything Hicks would say about The Invisible Man Up in the Sky) canceled his 10-minute routine after it was taped for broadcast. Hicks was the first entertainer since Elvis Presley to be censored at the Ed Sullivan Theater, furthering the theory he was either blessed or cursed by "The King." This was also one of the many CBS events that caused Letterman to have heart surgery years later (who allegedly enjoyed having Bill Hicks on the show many times before, including the abrupt cancellation).
Hicks explained to conservative AM Radio host Howard Stern the next week that he suspected CBS canceled his performance because it contained a joke about abortion, in which he insulted pro-abortion advocates with the joke, "If you're so pro-abortion, why don't you leave us well-meaning Pro Life Christians alone and abort yourself?"
Hicks provided a few explanations for why CBS canceled his appearance. He told Stern that pro-abortion advertisements aired where his routine was scheduled to appear, leading Hicks to suspect that advertisers who vehemently supported abortion wanted Hicks censored.
He also suspected that the pro-abortion advertisers and CBS were offended by the Christian cross he wore around his neck. Hicks always wore a Christian cross around his neck in all of his performances, accompanied by a rifle pendent in commemoration of the John F. Kennedy assassination.
[edit] Death
It would have been great to have had this 'Philosopher of Man' around for a bit longer. Unfortunately, he died, according to official sources, of a malfunctioning crankshaft in his liver, aged 32. As with all celebrity deaths, there are always conspiracy theories. Some delirious hoboe, whilst injecting himself with a concoction of industrial strength 'battery-acid-mixed-with-weedkiller', suggested that Hicks had been showing many symptoms of pancreatic cancer and that was a likely cause of death. However, his expert testimony was ignored as the television networks thought that wasn't a commercially viable cause of death for a tasteless "tribute" documentary. Other theories of epic battles between Bozo Bush of The White House and our hero & master Obi Wan Hicks were put forward, but quickly dismissed... However, another theory, by Robert Anton Wilson and Timothy Leary, suggests that Bill didn’t actually die, but that he defied all logic, all mysticism, all scepticism, all religion, and everything else as well, by simply ‘leaving’ his body – with the help of some extra-terrestrials from Sirius B. Various attempts at blocking the cemetery where Hicks would be laid to rest were thwarted by the US Government. It is rumored that the Intelligence behind this government operation is none other than Charles Ignacio Ahab, still bitter at that time over Hicks’ continuous attempts to have this C.I.A. singled out as the real assassin of Kennedy.
He is still sorely missed by fans and feared by everyone else -- except Denis Leary, who could care less.
[edit] Prophetic Bill Hicks Quotes
“Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.”
~ Hicks prophesies when Denis Leary is going to die
“People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first three largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.”
~ Hicks prophesies The Church of Scientology's takeover of the mass media
“"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.”
~ Hicks prophesies the rise of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton
“The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun -- for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question. "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we... we kill those people.”
~ Bill Hicks, really high on drugs
[edit] Did you know...
- Bill Hicks loved pudding
- The term hick as in "George Bush is a red-neck hick" comes from Bill Hicks' name
- He was the first to realise that the rings around Saturn are in fact the petrified remains of moths that were on their way to the sun, when they, very unfortunately, got sucked in by Saturn's immense gravity field - never mind the knowledge that in fact the moths were going the wrong way, aiming for Saturn whilst trying to get to the sun
- Bill killed John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, Salvador Allende, and John Lennon. He only TOLD John Hinkley that if he shot Reagan Jodie Foster would blow him.
- He was also first to discover the (long thought mythical) island of Gideia, after one day finally capturing a Gideon in his hotel room. Bribing this Gideon with porn and Sonic the Hedgehog video games, Bill got the Gideon to reveal the secrets of this ancient civilization, and its whereabouts in the 12th dimension
- Because of his keen interest in Science he became the first person to cross breed a male child and a barnyard animal.. he named his creation 'Goatboy' !
- He almost broke his back trying to suck his own cock...However, his beloved Cousin Walter wasn't as lucky.
- He was rented his 100,000,000th porno only days before his death, along with Star Fox for the SNES.
- He grew a beard in later life to hide the fact that cancer was eating his face, and stood outside a West Los Angeles 7-11 liquor store, in a bathrobe drinking a "Big Gulp," waiting to die.
