Bill O'Reilly
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The Jee Man Himself has Shown, in His infinite Wisdom, that He is the Ultimate Purveyor of all things Awesome, Nifty, Spiffy, and generally Interesting. He has personally Reviewed this article and Given His Blessing. The submitter may be Forgiven three venial sins or one mortal sin.
The author knows this because he is also a peckerhead and has frequently chatted with Bill O'Reilly at the meetings.
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“DO IT LIVE!”
~ Bill O'Reilly on doing it live
“Wait, he isn't balanced at all!”
~ Captain Obvious on Bill O'Reilly being "Fair and Balanced"
“Shut up! Shut up! Cut his Mic! Cut his Mic!”
~ Bill O'Reilly on being "Fair and Balanced"
“The only guy I know that's actually both imbalanced and unbalanced. And balanced.”
~ Bill O'Reilly on Bill O'Reilly
“Does this doodle I just drew look like Mohammed to you?”
~ Bill O'Really? on religious sensitivity
“I went to a black restaurant once, and to my surprise black people use forks, knifes, and don't yell at waiters asking for motherfuckin' ice tea.”
~ Bill O'Reilly on not being a racist
“I once met a Muslim. He wasn't that impressive... I just didn't see what the fuss was about. I'd take Jesus over one of them any day of the week, and twice on Sundees.”
~ Bill O'Reilly on "The Reasons for the Iraq War"
“What, you've got a vibrator, don't you? Every girl does.”
~ Bill O'Reilly hitting on Ann Coulter in their smash hit porno, Coulter Warrior: Claiming That Ass for America
William Ignatius Molly Kill "Bill" O'Reilly VIII, who is better known by the professional name Bill Oh'Really. Born September 10th, 1949, O'Reilly is one of the few people with no star sign, partly due to the 'liberal bias' found in astrology. He is a modern day version of Medusa, applicable whether in person or on TV. O'Reilly, who describes himself as 'a self-made -faking Irish Hitler who hates Nigras more than he hates Jews, spics, womps, chinks, flips, moustachiosas, sand niggers, dykes and fig-fags', and has been known to shoot Jewish African-Americans on sight. If you happen to be flipping through the channels and you land on the Faux News Network channel, then for God's sakes close your eyes and keep flipping or you will be turned to stone. He is not, repeat, NOT an actual news reporter, but a rambling idiot that never uttered a single sentence that resembles truth.
An accomplished dribbler, sorry, journalist, Bill is renowned for his strictly unbiased approach to news and is famed for his ability to address the nuances and subtleties of a story without raising his voice. He is one of the greatest lovers of the French of all time. He has been described by himself as a hugely successful, well recognised and respected journalist for his show The Hypocrite Factor.
Bill O'Reilly is currently suffering from verbal diarrhea after flying with JetBlue.
[edit] Early Career At ABC News
In the year of 1979, the great network news and sports god Roone Arledge made the first of several deals with satan to bring Bill O'Reilly in to be a reporter for World News Tonight. His overly-conservative views led the network's demi-god anchor, the omnipotent Peter Jennings to loathe O'Reilly, since Jennings was a die-hard liberal. Jennings was quoted as saying "There's only room for one dickhead at this network, and I'm going to be the only one." However, Arledge had purchased O'Reilly for life. Jennings used his power and constant threats to have the first born of Arledge slaughtered on live television, and to have Howard Cosell anchor in his place, to get Arledge to send O'Reilly where he could get easily killed. O'Reilly was sent on repeated assignments to Hell, where he interviewed John F. Kennedy and Satan himself. However, Hell barred O'Reilly after he threatened to bring one million Christians to wipe Hell off the face of the earth. Satan stated in repeated interviews that he would never forgive Roone Arledge for what he did, and got his payback when he got Arledge for all eternity in 2002. Nonetheless, Satan and Arledge have managed to patch things up since God revealed that Unitarianism was the only true religion and, thus, he was able to use O'Reilly's crusaders as a substitute for the ailing infernal plumbing system.
Afterwards, Jennings used his influence to delegate O'Reilly to doing business briefs on the network. O'Reilly would always open his briefs with the same line "I'm Bill O'Reilly, and this is a business brief, and I'm not wearing any briefs." The briefs came to an end after only one year when an apparently drunk and high O'Reilly came on air, announced that the Economy was screwed, and attempted to have sex with Barbara Walters on camera.
Classic video of Bill O'Reilly going nuts at ABC:
O'Reilly was finally released from his lifetime of slavery to ABC in 1987, when he was made a scapegoat in light of a botched assassination attempt of Peter Jennings in which O'Reilly rigged a camera to blow up in the face of Jennings upon Jennings' precise and correct pronunciation of the word "Shit". However, the camera was shipped to Washington and instead blew up in the face of David Brinkley, which resulted in shards performing a lobotomy on Brinkley. However, viewers never noticed, as nobody really cared.
[edit] Reputation
Despite his medusan disability, O'Reilly is the most caring and loving man since satan's evil twin settled down into his retirement home in Topeka Kansas. He is also renowned in the field of political science for his scintillating wit and profound sense of courtesy. His techniques have been described by leading news analysts Ann Coulter, Joseph Goebbels, and Lyndon LaRouche as "fair and balanced".
Despite being mischievous in his childhood (Bill killed his first black man at age 2, 90,078 black men total by the time he was 23) Bill reformed and became a conservative. He won the 1984 Nobel peace prize for helping wipe out leprosy in California by killing all lepers under the age of 7. "I still hate n*****s" said Bill, "but I'm willing to help 'em if I can kill some of 'em in the process". He is also America's foremost falafel salesman. O'Reilly's reputation recently dropped in the eyes of some after his interview with God in which he confronted God about his supposed Liberal Bias and demanded he step down from office.
Bill O'Reilly is also a fool. In 2003 he said he was severely attacked by the NPR reporter Terri Gross that struck O'Reilly several times with her hairspray bottle, took his wallet, and made him call her "Daddy" repeatedly on National Public Radio. Gross was according to Bill later given a detention by NPR Ombudsman Jeffrey A. Dvorkin for starting the fight.
O'Reilly takes credit for largely preventing the spread of British Roundabouts throughout the United States by declaring it a "No Spin Zone".
He encountered some controversy in 2005, after being caught having sex with Terri Schiavo's dead corpse at the morgue in the hospital where he and other journalists were covering her story. The following night O'Reilly demanded that the Schiavo family and the liberal media apologize "for having the nerve to invade my privacy. Invading someone's privacy is disgusting and immoral".
[edit] Brokerage in Hell
After Bill's horrible and disgusting reputation as a Republican and a human being, many demons of Hell perceived transforming him into a soul-holder in Hell. Satan, currently with 41% of souls in Hell Corp., agreed to meet with the man. Dick Cheney, who holds the next largest amount of souls in Hell at 34%, was given the task of coaxing O'Reilly to meet with Hell Corp. As Republicans who pissed off both sides on the political spectrum, the two men easily became friends on a talk show of O'Reilly's. When Cheney informed Bill of the investment opportunity in Hell, he gladly agreed. Cheney remarked that the Devil has soul investment plans for everyone, and that it was possible to only sell a portion of one's soul rather than all of it. Bill, desiring a 100 ft. tall gold tower with orc guardians and a Death Star for air support, agreed to sell the soul of his left leg (he could no longer feel pleasure in this portion of his body). Upon his transaction, he launched an invasion of middle-Kansas, sacking the innocent farmers of the land. When US forces stepped in, O'Reilly confused them by explaining that they were acting "unAmerican" by stopping his Blitzkrieg. After the fear of being ridiculed as "fags" or "commies" arose, US generals stood down and returned home to think about the matter.
Bill was pleased by his new Empire carved out in middle-America, however the souls he captured on his raids were losing value. He decided to trust a friend and invested these souls, as well the soul of his right leg, in Hell Corp. Upon doing so, he owned 2.3% of the souls in Hell. He brokered numerous deals and after a time, only had one soul left in the head of his penis. He had haggled his way to great respect among the Demon, Metal-Head, and Neo-Con investors of Hell. Soon, his petty position was not enough, O'Reilly desired more.
Upon gaining a seat on the "Darkest of the Universe" board, O'Reilly schemed for power. He suddenly accused the other members of the board, including majority-soul holder Satan, of "not being evil enough". And questioned their "evilness", similar to his attacks on every American citizen for being "unAmerican". A parallel to his declaration that Uncle Sam was "unAmerican" was his manifestation that Satan had a conscience. O'Reilly had superseded his limits and paid for his error. Satan kicked him off the board and commandeered his souls. He also confiscated the rest of Bill's soul, and returned him to his former position. O'Reilly returned to his former FAUX News position with no positive feelings due to his lacking of a soul. He feels nothing whatsoever now. If a child has a cat stuck in a tree, he will not only disregard the cat, but will sacrifice the child to the devil to possibly earn his soul back.
[edit] 2005 Phone Sex Scandal
Unfortunately, O'Reilly's head got stuck in his own ass, which he was pretending was Ann's ass. O'Reilly remained stuck for two days as his family was visiting relatives in Vermont. Bob Saget, Bill's favourite fuck face bastard, guest hosted O'Reilly's show during the crisis. On taking over the show again, Bill told the story in explicit detail. He explained that this "near-death experience" had somehow inspired him deeply. The program was rebroadcast at 4 P.M., the following day for the "unfortunate children" who had to retire early the night prior.
Since then, O'Reilly and Coulter have gone on to produce and star in their very own, commercially successful, pornographic film, Coulter Warrior: Claiming That Ass for America. It is reportedly inspired by the real life events that preceded it. Mrs. O'Reilly, when asked about whether or not she has seen the film that has, as Roger Ebert put it, "raped the eyes of the nation," replied, "No comment."
[edit] Other Scandals
O'Reilly also became the only man to have sex with Terri Schiavo's corpse. O'Reilly was taping his show on location at the morgue of the hospital Terri passed away at. For a few minutes after the camera was off, and no one else was around, Bill took the opportunity to engage in necrophilia. No one knew about this incident at first. However, the next day, after enjoying his rendezvous with "enlightenment", he privately spoke about the incident to Rush (I have a small penis, that's why I'm mean) Limbaugh when he stated emphatically that he will "continue trying to fuck America in the ass on television with Nancy Grace's dildo". Unfortunately he said that in his studio without his knowledge the microphone was on. O'Reilly was nearly fired for the incident. However, as of 2007, his Fox News Show and his radio show still exist, and O'Reilly still has not apologized to the public, nor to Schiavo's family, nor to Nancy Grace.
[edit] Quotes
- "When I said 'all niggers are faggots,' I misspoke. What i meant to say was 'all faggots are niggers.' I apologize if any niggers or faggots were offended by my previous statement." ~O'Reilly on being misquoted
- "Shut up! Shut up! (To Producers) Cut his Mike! Cut his Mike!" ~Bill O'Reilly being "Fair and Balanced" as usual.
- "What? Fuck you!" ~Mike on Bill O´Reilly cutting him
- "It's the fucking French" ~O'Reilly on the budget deficit
- "Jean Luc Picard sucks" ~O'Reilly on the budget deficit
- "Now, the first thing I'd do is use the falafel thing on him" ~O'Reilly in his interview with Bush explaining how he would have dealt with Osama Bin Laden
- "I'm a modest man. I take my private helicopter home from work, park it in my airport, and sleep in my ivory framed bed under panda-skin sheets just like everybody else." ~O'Reilly commenting on how he is just like "the folks" he defends.
- "Nobody can identify the body if the head is chopped off and notable tatoos are taken off with a cheese grater." ~O'Reilly commenting on the proper way to dispose of dead hookers.
- "If they can't find the body, it's not a murder - it's a 'missing person,' I tell you!" ~O'Reilly talking in his sleep
- "If you want to see something bigger than my ego, meet me in room 318 at the Holiday Inn at midnight. Woof, woof!" ~O'Reilly to every woman he has ever met.
- "Today, in an fire in the Bronx, some dirty niggerscum died like the filthy black pigs they... Oh wait, did I say that out loud?" ~O'Reilly commenting on a fire in the Bronx
- "Your so called compassion has killed those people." ~O'Reilly on logic
- "Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir." ~ O'Rly on Sir
- "If I ever see a Holocaust survivor in person, I'm gonna kick his ass!"
- "And in Malmedy, as you know, US forces captured SS forces and they shot them down. That's on the record and documented" ~O'Reilly on the Nazi war crimes in Malmedy to US soldiers.
[edit] O'Reilly Quotes About Famous People
- "never send a boy to do a man's job." ~O'Reilly on Adolph Hitler
- "I´d do him." ~O'Reilly on Ronald Reagan
- "Fuck you, Billy. Fuck you." ~Ronald Reagans dead rotten corpse on perversion
- "Go cut your hair, you hippie." ~ Bill O'Reilly to Jesus
- "Only dunes and coons come from Iraq, and you sure as shit don't look like a dune - so that narrows it down a little." ~ Bill O'Reilly to the Iraqi Ambassador
- "Ah, Ah yeah, that's it, dangle for me, DANGLE, AHHHHHHH!" ~ Bill O'Reilly masturbating to Saddam Hussein's execution
- "Please don't shoot me." ~Bill O'Reilly when he met R. Lee Ermey.
- "Go do the helicopter, you trainhomo!" ~Bill O'Reilly in an unique exchange with Keith Olbermann
- "Do you understand what the New York Times wants, and the Far Left want? They want to break down the white, Christian, male power structure which you are a part of, and so am I, and bring in MILLIONS of Wetbacks!" ~Bill O' Reilly to John Mccain.
- "NO! It's not OOHH--KAAAYYY to say WHAT! all the time!" ~Bill O'Reilly on Lil Jon.
- "We never met, period." ~O'Reilly on Oscar Wilde
- "I've still got her bear trap vagina." ~Bill O'Reilly on Ann Coulter
- "I don't like the way he breathes, you know? It makes me think he's trying to make America gay." On Buddha
[edit] The Zero' Reilly Factor
The 0 Reilly Factor is a much respected and renowned television show, critically acclaimed for its elegant format and unbiased intellectual discourse. The show lasts 60 minutes, 57 of which O'Reilly spends reading fan mail to the camera and telling viewers he is the smartest man alive. Also during his self-promotion segment, the multitalented O'Reilly manages to remind his viewers countless times that Fox News is the best news station since Al Jazeera. Then at the end of each show, he shoots two liberals in the knee caps. If the gun jams, he just looks sheepishly at the camera and mumbles "Frodo Lives" until they break for a commercial.
O'Reilly's continued efforts on his show to smite the liberal media and secularists provided means for his selection as a major General of the Second Civil War, or the War Against Secularism. This format has proven to be immensly popular with 403,000 viewers every night, making The O'Reilly Factor the 12th highest rated evening show after Green Acres reruns on that timeslot.
However, recently he has made the main focus of every show Natalie Holloway from Aruba. This has made many people despise his show because nobody cares about Aruba anymore. In 2006 the name of the show changed to the Aruba Factor.
Now in 2007, he is focused on the body language of clips that are going around in the news. He has a body linguist in the studio daily to analyze what people are unconsciously saying by their actions. Seriously, he does this.
O'Reilly fought with alarming success alongside Fox against secularists such as Scientists, Liberal Terrorists, The Evil Atheist Conspiracy, and Doctors. By the end of this bloody crusade, O'Reilly had rid the world of hot lesbian sex, turned back the filthy, heathen effort to cure cancer at the eleventh hour, and reinstated cholera and tetanus as primary killers of all demographics.
[edit] Fun facts about Bill O'Reilly
- Despite his stern Pro-Life agenda, Bill admitted in his new book that curb-stomping defenseless black infants is one his "guiltiest pleasures."
- He played a multiple roles as all of the flying monkeys in the Wizard of OZ."
- He can sodomize 300 Spartan men at a time. And has.
- Bill O'Reilly enjoys eating cute pussies every Friday. They must be shaven, not furry. An ex-maid of the O'Reilly Ranch learned this to her cost.
- Bill O'Reilly was the first to cover the Mark Foley story. The scoop came not because of his infinite journalistic talents, but because Bill too sexually harasses young female subordinates via instant messaging. Bill O'Reilly has never forgotten "The Works".
- Bill O'Reilly does not write scripts for the Factor, nor anybody else. When asked about the seemingly directionless approach of the Factor, Bill explained: "It's my motherfuckin' show, biotch! Wha-eva, I can do what I wawnt! You got some jew blood in ya boy?"
- An active member of NAMBLA
- It's been rumoured that "U + Ur Hand" by American singer Pink was written about him.
- Bill O'Reilly may be incredibly unintelligent, but he's GREAAAT at Sexual Harassment with physical abuse. No, wait. This is UNcyclopdia. Sorry..
- If Bill O'Reilly doesn't use the words "Far left" in one of his segments, his head WILL explode
- A collector of confederate flags
- Bill is a self-admitted fan of Elevator Surfing, and anal sex with strangers in elevators.
- Hates Jesus for his 'liberal bias'
- Believes Sean Hannity to be his life-time companion. Off stage at FOX recently, the two were reportedly kissing.
- He's an ASSHOLE. No, wait. This is UNcyclopdia. Sorry.. No, wait. It doesn't matter. He's an ASSHOLE in every realm.
[edit] "Far-left communist" billionaire George Soros is taking over the world theory
Bill O'Reilly's latest feat is a stunning report on the network that antichrist George Soros has surrounded himself with. The reports on this were amazingly accurate and completely true. Critics prone to disbelieving such theories were harshly silenced with the advent of the following graphic on Bill O'Reilly's Flower Hour.
As is abundantly clear, the arrows indicate the flow of Jesons, atoms of Christian power that leftist communists like Soros have, in the past, hijacked and used for evil. Soros uses his money and political connections to acquire these Jesons, which are then channelled in arrow-shaped flows as shown. The diagram is visually accurate. Once the Jesons have entered the mainstream media, they are beamed directly to other filthy socialists, who share the Jesons with other communists as part of a barter system that foregoes US currency, since this is their equivalent of kryptonite. He continues to do so to this day, hoping one day to distribute enough Jesons to raise the liberal prophet Josef Stalin from his grave, with the aim that the Man of Steel will be able to crush freedom and democracy, Soros's two main pet hates. Previous attempts using Liberons were thwarted, due to the fact that the strength of said liberal atoms were only 12% of the strength of Jesons [1].
Some people have suggested an inherent and fundamental flaw in O'Reilly's term "Far Left Billionaire George Soros", but they are sadly mistaken. This is evidenced by the fact that none of these so called 'critics' have their own television shows [reference not found]. Some have been graciously allowed on the O'Reilly "Talk Louder Than" segment, but all have been drowned out by well-aimed insults from the Big Bear.
[edit] Contemporary Residence
Mr. O'Reilly, or Lilly Willy as his Mom lovingly refers to him, resides with her in Suburban Farifax, VA, just outside of D.C. When reporters, along with an angered Ann Coulter visited the residence in 2004, a funk smelling African answered the door, which was quickly slammed but not before a photographer took a picture of Lil Will O'Reilly sucking his thumb and crying in a corner wearing baby jams. Thanks to a Fox News coverup, the picture is archived until it is fitted for appropriate use, and Ann Coulter wrote another book. (History of Man, 2004:3213)
[edit] Things Bill O'Reilly considered 'noble'
- America
- America
- America
- Did I mention America yet?
- Killing Keith Olbermann by inserting a spade up his ass
- Killing Keith Olbermann by dressing Keith up as a grandmother, and releasing John Gibson, who is known for killing and skullfucking crossdressers
- Apple pie
[edit] Enemies
- Common sense
- Feminazis
- Keith "Best Muthafucka in tha World" Olbermann
- Communist Party
- The French
- Towelheads
- Homicide bombers
- Richard Dawkins
- Osama Bin Ladin
- Barack Obama ("...because he is only one letter away from a terrorist!")
- Michael Moore ("...never called me after our first date! Fuck him!")
- Holocaust survivors ("The Irish had suffered worse. The Jews are a bunch of pansies!")
- Gandhi ("He was UNamerican!")
- Jews ("...but only if they're religious. I'm not a monster.")
- Palestine
- Mexico
- Canadians
- Jon Benet Ramsey
- Jon Stewart
- Stephen Colbert
- Black People
- The Underprivileged
- Hippies
- Hillary Clinton
- Democracy
- Martin Luther King Jr.
- Gays ("It gives me unbelievable pleasure, hating them the way I do. I do NOT enjoy the bat fuck insane ass sex I constantly have with my boy toy Hannity, though. It's not gay if I don't enjoy it.")
- His 4th grade English teacher
- Anyone with an education or a degree
- Fairness
- Educated Opinions
- Logic
- Any combination of the above
He has a secondary class of enemy reserved for anyone who defends the above.
[edit] Butt buddies
- Ann Coulter
- Sean Hannity
- His wife
- His mom (Same as above)
- Dan Savage
- Jerry Falwell
- Pat Robertson
- Rush Limbaugh
- Baba Ganoush
- Lil' Kim
- Al Stapeton
- Wolf Blitzer
- Satan
- Astaroth
- Belial
- Hitler
- Heinrich Himmler
- Benito Mussolini
- Dr. Josef Mengele
- Charles Manson
- Lord Sauron
- Kool Aid
[edit] Film
- Kill Bill - The Biography of Bill O'Reilly
[edit] References
[edit] See also
- God
- Lord Voldemort
- Kill Bill
- Benito Mussolini
- Ganondorf
- Jack Thompson
- Pat Robertson
- Nancy Grace
- Falafel
- Mel Gibson
- Neocon
- Pigs
- The O'Reilly Factor theme song
- The Personification of the Penis prt 1
- Irish Nazis
- Cox News
- Fux News
[edit] External Links
Categories: Fact is stranger than fiction | Holiest of the Holys | Approved by Kansas Board of Education | Actual content | Accuracy disputes | Axis of Evil-Doers | Wannabe Rulers of the World | Assholes | Followers God Would Rather Not Have | Minions of Satan | Attention Whores | Nightmares Made Flesh | Really Angry People | Powerful Supernatural Creatures | People who could benefit from getting laid more often
