Billy Connolly
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“Scotland never produced a finer comedian..............than Dane Cook”
~ Drunken Scotsman on Billy Connolly
“Mejor cabron en el mundo!...”
~ Spanish Tourist on Billy Connolly
“I would...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Billy Connolly
Penis ‘Billy’ Connolly was the son of Mandy Deadbolt and daughter of Gary Connolly. Best known for his contribution to the rock Kazoo, Connolly has continually fought against the oppressive nature of the liberalists. He inadvertently invented the drinks coaster early in his career. He also seeks vengeance against Frank Zappa, for stealing his intended date of death, December 11, 2001.
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[edit] The Conception
Connolly’s parents have vary opinions on how he was brought into this world. His father Gary put it romantically when he said that “I took Mandy out to dinner. We had several course of the most beautiful cuisine anyone could imagine. We talked, laughed, cried, held hands. It was a magical evening. We then went back to my place, and well, a gentlemen doesn’t tell.” He then winked at the interviewer.
However, Mandy, Connolly’s mother put it more bluntly when she said “Penis (Billy) was the result of too much booze and a broken condom. But hey, I’ve always been a bit of a go-er.” She then winked at the interviewer and performed an indescribable act.
[edit] Early Life
Born Penis Connolly, Billy found that later in life, he preferred the nick name ‘Billy’. In fact, being a humble Jewish boy, ‘Billy’ was his actual nickname, when the Rabi forgot Connolly’s first name and named him ‘Billy’ just as he completed the circumcision. The name stuck with him since.
Connolly’s parents soon realized the dilemma of having a young man about the house and saw that they had little option than to cast him into the fiery pits of Hell. He reemerged at the age of thirty-three and a third, to be taken out to the ice skating for his nineteenth birthday.
It was here that Connolly realized what he wanted to do with his life. Upon seeing the then flourishing, young figure skater Molly Malone, Connolly came up with his dream: to be a rock guitarist.
[edit] The Beginning
Connolly’s career began with a rocky start. Firstly, the small costal town of Gotham City (soon to be changed to Glasgow City) was suffering from its worst even guitar drought. With no guitars within cooee of his home town, Connolly had to settle for the next best thing. The Kazoo.
Secondly, there were no other musicians within Gotham City, thanks to the entire population being tone-deaf. However, cutting his teeth in hell for the first thirty-three and a third years of his life had taught him a thing or two. All this was incorrect, of course, but he used his small knowledge base to his advantage. Fearing that giving up was the hard option, he persisted.
[edit] The Club Circuit
The Kazoo proved to be a difficult instrument to master. It took Connolly five years to master the instrument (four of which were spent blowing in the wrong end of the Kazoo). When he had finally mastered all the techniques, he set out to form a rock band unlike any Gotham City had ever seen. As Gotham City had never seen a rock band, this was perhaps the easiest goal that Connolly met.
After mastering the instrument, Connolly did what all good musicians do, and started touring the club circuit. This detailed him walking from one end of the main street to the other, in search of a club to play. Unfortunately, there were no clubs at the time, and Connolly decided to start his own club. It was at this club, “Eat a Peach,” that the phrase: “Show us yer tits!” was coined.
[edit] The Start of Recording
Connolly’s following grew exponentially and he soon found himself with a recording contract. He recorded his hit single I’m Gonna Make Love to You all Night Long which went straight to number one. Any profits he made, however, were lost when a female fan successfully sued him for not following up on the promise in the song’s title. For a time, Connolly was known as “Five Minute Bill.”
His follow up single, I Was Tired at the Time (I Can Go Longer, I Promise) also went to number one. Once again, however, he was successfully sued for not coming true with the promise of the song’s title. “Five Minute Bill” was soon replaced with “Five Second Bill.” Connolly went into hiding to record his debut album.
In the summer of 1238, The Best of Billy Connolly appeared on shelves, and was quickly bought up by billions of customers who though that the round disc was a coaster for putting drinks on (at the time, pock marks on coffee tables was a hotly debated issues). Connolly decided to tour the world on the back of his album sales.
[edit] The First Tour
| If I had known why my album had sold so well, I’d never gone on tour. |
Connolly claimed at the end of his first American tour. Crowds had been good, in the high teens, but most had come along to meet the inventor of the drink coaster. All were shocked when they found a man with a Kazoo, screaming about how he would make love to them all night long, would give them anything they wanted if they would just slept with him and how he promised not to come in their mouths. No one took up his offers.
Connolly once again went into hiding. He could not face the world if they did not realize his genius.
[edit] The Comeback Tour
Unbeknownst to Connolly, there was one man, Frank Zappa, who saw the true purpose of round disc and had been listening to it. He later wrote to Connolly, asking him to tour his region, Tucson, claiming that he should feel at home there. Always one for vanity, this pitiful sign of admiration boosted Connolly’s spirits and he embarked on his second tour of America, the “Listen to the disc. I didn’t invent the fucking drinks coaster” tour.
It was during this second tour that Connolly became a household name. World domination of the Kazoo scene was within his reach. However, just after completion of the tour, disaster struck.
Connolly’s mother, Mandy Deadbolt, died suddenly in her sleep. She was only twelve.
[edit] The Second Album
With his second tour finished, Connolly was on a high. The death of his mother, however, soured the experience. This was reflected in his second album I Can’t Believe She’s Dead which spawn the single Shit!.
Although the only single off the album made its way up the charts to number two, it could not save the album. Perhaps a little too ambitious for a sophomore attempt, I Can’t Believe She’s Dead hardly made a dent in the sales department. Always one to sulk, Connolly once again went into hiding reemerging to do another tour.
[edit] The Third Tour and Album
The third tour was Connolly’s most successful up until that time with an average crowd attendance of about fifty, over double that of the first tour. Feeling that his chops were the best he would ever get, Connolly recorded the live album All the Roadies are Chicks. The release of which sent Connolly back into the charts. Live versions of I Just Bought a Horse and I Think it’s Dead, Take a Dump on my Chest and Shit! all went to the top of the singles charts, placing one, two and three, respectively.
At this, Connolly decided to go back into the studio.
[edit] A New Kid on the Horizon
While recording his third album, Connolly met an unknown boy who claimed that he was a reincarnation of Connolly. The boy produced a Kazoo, and the two proceeded to have a Kazoo-off in the club that they were in. The result of which proved that both were on par. It was at this time that Connolly realized his influence in the field of rock Kazoo.
Connolly took the boy into the studio to record his fourth album (third studio album) called Two Kazoos are Better than One. Critics disagreed and the album was slammed as a flagrant display of arrogance from a man who should have given up long ago. One reviewer was quoted as saying:
- “In an attempt to recapture past glories, Connolly has created an album unworthy of even his debut’s fate. Connolly is nothing more than a washed out hack who doesn’t know the right time to leave. He is a stink that will not go away.”
For a fourth time, Connolly went into hiding.
[edit] Current
Connolly became so depressed with the reviews of his last album that he recorded a final single, entitled Suicide Note, a cryptic clue to what he was planning. He even detailed the exact date of his death in the lyrics:
- All I ever wanted was to have some fun
- Now I’m going to kill myself, December 11, 2001
Frank Zappa wrote a song back to him saying:
- I don’t think so Bill
- If anyone is going to die, I will
Living on the timeline, Zappa promptly died before Connolly had a chance. Connolly then swore he would avenge himself. At the same time, his charity work came under scrutiny. Many of the conservative liberalists saw that what he was doing was vulgar. In particular, his “Run nude for cloth-less people” found him with many legal suits.
He now spends his time recording again, in order to pay for eye surgery for all those who witnessed his naked parading for people without clothes. Most of these sell reasonably well, but Connolly is yet to recapture the glory days of his recording prime. A rumor of him joining of the Ku Klux Klan proved to be false.
[edit] Discography
[edit] Albums
- The Best of Billy Connolly, 1963
- I Can’t Believe She’s Dead, 1966
- All the Roadies are Chicks, 1970
- Two Kazoos are Better than One, 1972
- Strictly Invitation Only, 1985
- Blaker Street, 1997
- S.H.I.T.E., 2000
[edit] Singles
- I’m Gonna Make Love to You all Night Long (Highest position: 1)
- I Was Tired at the Time (I Can Go Longer, I Promise) (Highest position: 1)
- Shit! (Highest position: 2)
- I Just Bought a Horse and I Think it’s Dead (live) (Highest position: 1)
- Take a Dump on my Chest (live) (Highest position: 2)
- Shit! (live) (Highest position: 3)
- Me and my Reincarnation (Highest position: 69)
- Strictly Invitation Only (Highest position: did not chart)
- (Forward Into the Anus) And That’s the Way it Goes (Highest position: did not chart)
- How Can I Fucking Say I Love You When You're Sitting on my Face? (Highest Position: 3)
