Billy Corgan

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“Oh my god! What the hell is that?!?!?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Billy Corgan

“ Where the fuck are my car keys? They were right here in my hand! I had them just a second ago....”

~ Billy Corgan looking for his car keys

“Why does he look like me?”

~ Peter Garret on Billy Corgan

“ FUCK OFF CUNT!”

~ James Iha on Billy Corgan

Sir William Patrick Aidan Conor Cairan Fergal Eoin Shane Ronan Seamus Conor O'Corgan Jr.- Round-headed, nasal-voiced, egotistical frontman of the Smashing Pumpkins, Zwan, The Marked, BC's Hootenanny, Poet, Solo artist and hunch-backed genius. He is also believed to be Lord Voldemort.

Contents 1 Childhood and Origins of Billy Pumpkin 2 The Smashing Pumpkins 3 Speech 4 Solo Album 5 The Mistake known as Zwan 6 Return of the band Billy calls 'The Smashing Pumpkins' 7 Billy's Sons 8 Pastimes of Sir William

[edit] Childhood and Origins of Billy Pumpkin

Billy was born in Silent Hill. Son of Georgie Porgie and Jocelyn Wildenstein and a descendant of 'Triangle Person Man Thing', Billy spent his childhood being bullied for being almost as freakish as the Elephant Man. Being half worthless, Billy has become bald, as is inevitable in his bloodline. Along with his defective genetics, he has a whining singing voice. Yet he is also abnormally tall and talented as Martians are. Billy is often uncomfortable with his height, especially around his Deimosian family and has acquired a permanent hunch.

As a small child Billy spent much of his time listening to his uncle, David Bowie talk, reading Enid Blyton novels and watching Faces of Death, acquiring a very british vocabulary and declaring things to be 'cracking', 'jolly good fun', 'ripping' and 'smashing'.

Regarding Corgan's much publicised hair loss, his folical trauma stems from an illicit relationship involving Courtney Love circa 1993-95. Love literally sucked the life out of Corgan (via his penis), an occurrence commonly associated with Ms. Love, which scienticians have concluded causes the side effects of hair loss, paranoia, loss of bladder control, psycosis, uncontollable weeping and, in extreme cases, death via shotgun blast to the head.

[edit] The Smashing Pumpkins

Billy came up with the name for the band one day while out at a gay bar. A beautiful trannie named James Iha appeared, showing off his most delectable bosoms. Billy's response was "you have absolutely smashing pumpkins!"

Billy started the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.

Billy ended the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.

Billy revived the Smashing Pumpkins one day on a whim.

[edit] Speech

As well as having a voice whinier than an orgy of foxes mating at night, it is well known that more often than not Billy talks in the third person. Unencyclopedia understands that Billy does this due to the horrific childhood experience of him realising that he is a complete douche.

Examples of Billy's 'third person' talk:

'Billy Corgan is finished now. Billy Corgan wants an applause.'

'Billy Corgan has replaced you with a synthesiser.'

'Billy Corgan writes the songs. Billy Corgan says the rest of the band stand there and look pretty.'

'Billy Corgan learnt that two of his band members were making sex. This made Billy Corgan angry, Billy Corgan turned to drugs.'

'Billy Corgan likes it right there. Billy Corgan says 'Oh Baby'. Billy Corgan thinks you totally just Corgasmed.'

'Billy Corgan thinks he should go on top every time.'

It was recently revealed by D'arcy Wretzky, some drug taking pixie that hung around with the Pumpkins (possibly a hallucination of the band member's minds) that the main cause of the band's demise was in fact down to Billy's annoying speech habit. The final straw came when Billy suggested to the rest of the band 'If Billy Corgan doesn't have hair, why should the rest of the band have hair?'. Obviously this did not go down well with beautiful trannie James Iha and D'arcy the pixie went to live on a commune with the Oompa-Loompas, Gandalf and Englebert Humperdinck. Meanwhile the beautiful trannie James Iha developed an obsession with the perfection of shapes and joined a band that was entirely devoted to this cause.

[edit] Solo Album

With the beautiful trannie, hallucinatory pixie and the guy on the drums that no one really cared about gone, Billy still had enough egotistical power within him to produce an album of his own. With the help of some pots, pans, his faithful synthesiser and A Circus Clown From His Childhood, Billy managed to crank out his usual mixture of bad teenage poetry and loud noises. He and the Circus Clown collaborated on a cover of an ancient song by the mystical tribe known as the Bee Gees, in which they compete for the title of 'Person With The Whiniest Voice'.

[edit] The Mistake known as Zwan

After spending a long, hot summer in India, an idea sprung from the sweaty Corgan's bald and polished head. He would form his own Hare Krishna-esque group with some worthless hippies from not very significant bands and use this music group to take over the world.

However, no one noticed. No one cared.

[edit] Return of the band Billy calls 'The Smashing Pumpkins'

Having noticed his rock-goblin followers were not pleased by his solo attempt, and that world domination was simply not meant for bald people (something that his brother, Dr Evil, has not yet realised). It eventually dawned on Billy that his only hope of reliving success was to reform the Smashing Pumpkins. However, the beautiful trannie James Iha was too concerned with colouring in an isoceles triangle and the pixie was nowhere to be found. Guy on drums that no one really cared about agreed to rejoin, and to fill the remaining spaces needed, Billy and Guy on drums that no one really care about picked up some homeless people off the street in Klutzville, Alabama.

In 2007 the band that isn't really 100% The Smashing Pumpkins released an album called Zeitgeist.

However, no one noticed. No one cared.

[edit] Billy's Sons

In the spring of 1982 Billy fathered two children with Liza Minelli whilst under the influence of crystal methamphetamine. In an attempt to keep the abomination a secret, they slyly disposed of the worthless flesh in a dumpster behind a Hot Topic chain store somewhere in New Jersey.

Billy has since found out that his long-lost sons were none other than My Chemical Romance vocalist Gerard Way and bassist Mikey Way, after meeting them backstage at a show on the East Coast. Gerard originally was hesitant about revealing his identity to his father and even fudged his date of birth in interviews, making him seem older. He needed have not worried though, as Billy was overjoyed at the prospect of having a child that wasn't mothered by Courtney.

Since Gerard has risen to fame, Billy has gone public about his love-child and has even started working on a comeback album with the Smashing Pumpkins so that he can, as he said in his own words, 'Rock out with my son.'

Another torrid love affair of Billy Corgan's, this time with Quebecoise singing sensation Celine Dion, (famous for her many appearances on the cartoon Terrence and Philip), resulted in a child. The resulting offspring, quite obviously the son of the Pumpkins lead singer if only for his extremely prematurely bald pate, is television's Caillou.

Some would claim that Caillou is not in fact a Corgan, but rather, a leukaemia patient and that to suggest Pumpkin parentage is highly insensitive to sufferers of "blood cancer".

Caillou has always refused to comment on his lineage and will only say the following: "All I need to know is that my mother, Celine Dion, loves me. Her disgusting octogenarian manager/husband who was already old when they first met, while Celine was peri-pubescent, is the only father I have ever needed. I hate the Pumpkins anyway, especially that slopehead guitarist." This quote is also notable for being the beginning of the end of Caillou's popularity. He sought admission to a drug treatment facility the next day, stating: "I am fucking bald." His bitterness is certainly understandable.

[edit] Pastimes of Sir William

• Billy is an avid blogger and writes 'confessional' tales in his online journal, this caused a massive trend amongst many panda eyed teenagers and lead to the creation of livejournal, which he takes personal credit for. He also takes credit for the electric toaster, PVC Clothing, Hole's (better) Songs, Dawson's Creek, Hot Pockets and the creation of sound.

• Billy's favourite past time is attempting to steal u2 guitarist The Edge's hats. He has been successful a fair few times, his most triumphant moment being the time he stole The Edge's favourite Cowboy Hat whilst he was in the toilet. Billy later wore this hat in his music video 'Perfect' to flaunt his victory in The Edge's face. Edge was said to have sworn revenge on Billy, yet to this date nothing exciting has been done on his part.

• Billy is a big fan of WWE and has made many appearances in the ring, most famously conning Vince Mickmann into a Hair vs Hair match at Wrestlemania XX7. Billy achieved this by wearing the aforementioned Edge cowboy hat whenever Mickmann was around. He went on to win the match before shaving Mickmann bald with obvious glee, then delivering a Pumpkin Piledriver on the WWE chairman. however, he suffered a major loss at Wrestlemanania 98, losing a Beard Vs. Beard match against Underfaker and losing the beard that had taken him nearly 25 years to grow. He was shocked to find out before the match that Underfaker had already shaved his beard and fused himself with The Gay Kahli to beat Billy on a disqualification, as Mickmann had changed the rules so the person with a beard would be disqualified and shaved, and Billy was not told this before the match. After this, disgusted with Mickmann, Billy, along with his good friend, and Illigitimate son of Mickmann, Hornswaggle severed ties with WWE forever, Joining Jeff Hardy's recently bought (for only $5 and a tape of Booker T calling Hulk Hogan a "Nigger") TNA company. This became known as the "Montreal Screwdjrob" according to philosipher extrordinaire Randy Orton.

• Billy once chased Courtney Love down a street at Halloween dressed as the killer from Scream, he claimed this was all in the holiday spirit but refused to answer questions on why there was a rolled carpet and four cement blocks in his trunk.

• Billy stars on the critically acclaimed show Smallville as Lex Luthor.

• Billy also voices most of the characters in South Park, the TV show based on his place of residence, South Park, he has managed to rub off his voice on real citizens of South Park which is why he was chosen to voice them in the show. He first moved there because he saw the show and the people in it had the same kind of weird whiny voice as him, it's a chicken and the egg thing, bitch!

• Billy likes playing video games with his brother, Dr. Evil.