Billy Joel
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“I wish I could get chicks like him”
~ Snoop Dogg on Billy Joel
“We didn't start the fire. It was always burnin' since George Bush started It”
~ Willy Joe on Billy Joel
“He stole all my best quotes!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Billy Joel
“Red China...North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe...H-bomb...Liberace...Stalin...Communist Bloc...Disneyland...Trouble in the Suez...Chou En-Lai...Children of Thalidomide...
Hula Hoops, Castro...Psycho, Belgians in the Congo...Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion...British Politician sex...Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock...Palestine, Terror on the airline
Ayatollah's in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan...heavy metal, suicide
Foreign debts, homeless Vets, AIDS, Crack...Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and Roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore? Something like that.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Forgetting the lyrics
Billy "Crushin' Ice" Joel (1949-2009) was a well known Pimp and club owner from New York City who resided in Los Angeles. Joel had a successful career in Gangsta Rap producing such popular singles as Give me my Piano, Man, and I Swear I Didn't Start That Fire, Office o'Bannan. He later entered the world of Pimpage, amassing a large collection of female followers.
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[edit] Childhood
Joel grew up on the streets of New York and was forced to fend for himself as a child. He somehow survived (The most widely accepted rumour is that he kidnapped other neighbourhood children and sold them as Slave Labour) and was discovered by musical critic Simon Cowell. Cowell said "This hairy walking waste of Oxygen will amount to as much as After M*A*S*H. Cowell later asked Joel to marry him but was asploded by Joel when he fired dozens of naked catholics from his eyeballs.
[edit] Billy Joel and the Magic Piano Dungeon
At a young age Billy Joel was kidnapped by Little Richard and The Ghost Of Chopin who locked him in a dungeon below the streets of New York with nothing but a piano for 6 years. The correct keys would light up on the piano when Billy Joel was practicing and over time this caused him to develop an inate sense of the right key to hit at any moment, resulting in him being ridiculously good at playing.
While previously it had been stated that: "only a faggot can play piano that good" (see: Elton John, Freddie Mercury, Rufus Wainright, Tchaikovsky and Liberace) Billy Joel proved this urban myth wrong by shagging supermodel Christie Brinkley. Phwoar!
[edit] Personal Life
Billy Joel was married to Elle MacPherson for 19 years. They had an unprecedented amount of children including Mariah Carey and Vern Troyer, famous for constructing and operating R2D2. Joel finally ended the marriage after realizing that she would still sleep with him but he wouldn't have to live with her. He was later shot and killed by one of his hos.
[edit] Musical Career
Billy was signed to his first contract at 7 years old by Purple Hat Records. With them he released his first Worldwide Number One Hit Give me my Piano, Man. The song featured Dr Dre and Weird Al Yankovic and also helped launch each of their solo careers. His other well-known songs include the runaway hit Scenes from an Iraqi Restroom which deals with the acute shortage of toilet paper in Iraq. His most famous song was the well known (in Guildford) White Wedding, a controversial yet alluring song about marrying his sister, then spending the honeymoon humping away in New Mexico, which isn't that far from the World Famous, "We'll vomit all ova' ya'!" brothel, often thought to be the birthplace of Nuckworth Chorley.
Joel continued with the release of I'm the effing Entertainer, biotch! and Don't ask Questions, Especially Why. These drove Billy's popularity through the roof and the money he made from them helped re-shingle his home. It was during this time that he first experimented with Vodka and discovered that it reacted with Francium Fluoride. Contrary to popular belief, his song Christie Lee off of the album My Innocence, Ma'am, was not about the bitch he was living with at the time, Christie Lee Brinkley, but was actually about Geddy Lee, Christie simply being the pet name Joel had given him.
His next album, Storm Front Porch, contained some hints at his secret communist regime, such as the track Lenin's Grad(uation) and Shameless (Communist Lovers). Some people still dispute the idea, claiming that he was simply using an extended metaphor, comparing famous communists to New Yorkers and pimps. 27 years later, he released his last album, River of Dreams and Other Marijuana Induced Indigo Visions.
[edit] Life as a Pimp
Joel recorded successfully for several years before indulging in his childhood fantasy of being a major pimp. He quickly attracted the grandest collection of whores in the United States. This angered former Pimp Lord Charlie Sheen and lead to the brief, but extremely bloody, War of the Bling, by the end of which Sheen was reduced to just Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Pee Wee Herman.
Joel began to build his Nightclub Empire with the construction of the Post-Modern Glass House where he now spends most of his time. Bouncers at the club are ordered to never let the Male to Female ratio below 1:8, as such men are sometimes forced to wait for months in order to gain access to the club. Nevertheless, all agree it was worth the wait. Joel has built numerous other clubs and visits them occaisionally in order to acquire more women to bring back to the Glass House. His other clubs include My Life on 52nd Street, NY, Storm Front in Leningrad (for those Russian Chicks), Nightlife Serenader in Allentown, PA, and The Downeaster Pimp in his hometown of Cold Spring Harbor.
To this day, his flowing hair and tall stature attract all women in the world. One look at Billy Joel, and no matter what, if you're a female, you're gonna wanna tap that. No lie. It's like he wears Sex Panther or something.
[edit] Arson Controversy
Despite his claims to the contrary, evidence supports the conclusion that Billy Joel did, in fact, start the fire. No verdict has yet been reached in the arson trial which began in the spring of 1948. Main Article: Billy Joel Arson Controversy
