Billy Mays

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“WATCH THIS! BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY! WATCH THIS!”

~ BILLY MAYS on THIS ARTICLE

“WOOD RISE OUT!”

~ BILLY MAYS on SEX

“WHITE POWER!”

~ BILLY MAYS on OXI CLEAN

“BUY OXI-CLEAN OR I'LL HAVE TO RIP YOUR EYES OUT AND DIP THEM IN KABOOM!!!!”

~ BILLY MAYS on THREATENING YOU TO BUY OXI CLEAN

HI, BILLY MAYS, OR AL FROM TOOL TIME, HERE INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW PRODUCT! ARE YOUR COMMERCIALS LACKING STYLE? ARE YOUR SCRIPTS NOT POLISHED? WELL I HAVE THE PERFECT PRODUCT FOR YOU! MYSELF! THAT'S RIGHT, I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB AND YOU CAN HIRE ME FOR YOUR COMMERCIAL FOR JUST 12 PAYMENTS OF 1337!

I AM ALSO THE ONLY PARENT OF NANCY GRACE! I WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND REALIZED I WAS PREGNANT FOR SOME REASON...THEN OUT POPPED NANCY GRACE!!!

Contents 1 WHAT DO I HAVE THAT OTHERS DON'T?!!! 2 I FUCKING CLEAN TILES! 3 FRESH CLEAN SCENT! 4 I AM LOUD! 5 YOU CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT ME! 6 BUY TODAY 7 SEE WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME 8 BUT I'M NOT DONE 9 BUT I'M STILL NOT DONE!! 10 SEE THINGS OUTSIDE THIS COMMERCIAL!

[edit] WHAT DO I HAVE THAT OTHERS DON'T?!!!

YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF, WHY BUY BILLY MAYS WHEN YOU CAN BUY ANOTHER, MORE QUIET SPOKESMAN?! I CAN GET THE POINT ACROSS WITH A FRESH CLEAN SCENT WITHOUT AMMONIA AND WITHOUT BLEACH! WATCH THIS! WATCH AS I SAND DOWN THIS VERY EXPENSIVE WOOD FLOOR WITH MY BEARD AND APPLY A CLEANING SOLVENT WHILE TALKING! THE WOOD DRIES OUT! I ALSO HAVE A LOUD VOICE THAT CAN EXPLODE HEADS! NO OTHER SPOKESPERSON SPEAKS THIS FUCKING LOUD! YOU WILL ALSO NOTICE THAT I AM VERY EXPENSIVE FOR A SPOKESPERSON AND THAT IS GOOD!

[edit] I FUCKING CLEAN TILES!

YES I CLEAN TILES! I BET YOU CAN'T CLEAN TILES! KABOOM AND I SPRAY KABOOM ON THE TILE! IT'S NOT THE PRODUCT THAT CLEANS THE TILE! IT'S MY EXTREMELY LOUD VOICE! THAT'S RIGHT! THE SOUND WAVES FROM MY VOICE ACTUALLY OBLITERATE THE DIRT FROM THE TILE ON IMPACT! BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY, WATCH AS I SPIN A SHIRT IN A BOWL! WATCH AS I STICK A 45 POUND WEIGHT ON A DANGEROUSLY THIN HOOK STUCK IN THE WALL! WATCH AS I

FUCKING CLEAN ANOTHER TILE! I'M FUCKING AMAZING! I FUCKING BLEW MY HEAD OFF ONCE BECAUSE I SHOUTED SO DAMN LOUD!

[edit] FRESH CLEAN SCENT!

OTHER SPOKESMEN HAVE HARSH FUMES! BILLY MAYS DOESN'T! I HAVE A FRESH CLEAN BEARD SCENT! DOES YOUR SPOKESMAN HAVE THE FRESH CLEAN SCENT OF BEARD?! I THINK NOT!

[edit] I AM LOUD!

I WAS TRAINED BY SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON FOR THE ART OF YELLING! I SPENT 15 FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE TRAINING TO DO THIS UP IN SOME GODFORSAKEN MOUNTAIN SOMEWHERE IN EASTERN SWITZERLAND! I BET NO OTHER SALESMAN SPENT TIME WITH SAMUEL L FUCKING JACKSON TO TRAIN TO BE LOUD! THEN AGAIN NOBODY SHOUTS IN THEIR COMMERCIALS! BUT I DON'T CARE! I CAN SELL FUCKING LAUNDRY DETERGENT ON TELEVISION! HELL, IT'S NOT EVEN LAUNDRY DETERGENT! YOU IDIOTS NEVER SEEN FLOUR BEFORE?!!!

[edit] YOU CAN LEARN MORE ABOUT ME!

I WAS BORN ON AUGUST 15 1959 IN ORANGEBURGH,WHERE-EVER THAT IS!

• FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE I TOOK AN INTEREST IN YELLING LOUDLY AND CLEANING PRODUCTS!
• LITTLE DID I KNOW THESE THINGS CAN GO HAND AND HAND AND POTENTIALLY MAKE ME VERY WEALTHY!
• I GAVE MY GRANDPA A SERIES OF STROKES AT THE AGE OF THREE WHEN I CAME INTO HIS ROOM WHILE SLEEPING 3 CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS AND TRIED TO SELL HIM VARIOUS USED CLEANING SUPPLYS I FOUND UNDER THE KITCHEN SINK! MY DAD WAS A CARPENTER AND AT AGE 7 WHEN HE WAS WORKING ON A WOODEN LEG IN A LATHE WHEN I SAID TO HIM "WOOOOD DRIES OUT!
• TAKE SOME OF THIS ORANGE SCENTED CLEANER I FOUND AT GOODWILL! FOR ONLY $2.99, THATS RIGHT ONLY $2.99!", WHERE THEN HE BECAME STARTLED AND DISLOCATED HIS HAND IN THE LATHE!
• I THEN THREW AN ORANGE AT THE LATHE, MAKING A PROTECTIVE, FRESH COATING OVER THE LEG THAT I CALL ORANGE GLO! AT AGE 9 MY MOM WAS USING THE FOOD PROCESSOR TO CHOP NUTS AND I YELLED BEHIND HER "WATCH THIS!" STARTLING HER AND MAKING HER HAND FALL INTO THE FOOD PROCESSOR! NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS GROUNDED!

[edit] BUY TODAY

BUY ME TODAY AND YOU GET A HUGE ASS BOTTLE OF BLEACH TO DRINK RIGHT AFTER YOU SEE MY COMMERCIAL FOR FREE! CALL RIGHT NOW AND I WON'T BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE A WINE GLASS IN A MEMOREX COMMERCIAL! SAVE YOURSELF AND CALL RIGHT NOW! A TRAINED OPERATOR(ME) IS STANDING BY TO TAKE YOUR ORDERS! CALL TODAY AND BUY ME FOR A COMMERCIAL!

[edit] SEE WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME

BEETHOVEN HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT ME:

He's probably the best spokesperson I've ever seen because he's the only spokesperson I ever heard.

Larry King SAID THIS ABOUT ME AFTER AN INTERVIEW:

Kaboom, and my hearing was finally gone.

AN ANONYMOUS CUSTOMER FROM Florida SAID THIS ABOUT ME:

Apparently Billy Mays was not pleased that I was not putting his cleaning products to good use due to the fact that my bathroom still looked like shit. So he showed up at my house in very clean white van at around 2 AM. At first I was very pleased to see Billy come to my house since I have no life and spend my days planted on the couch watching TV. Billy started walking towards me with his trademark smiling bearded face, As I got my self ready to greet him he started shouting loudly "FOR ONLY $10.99 MORE YOU COULD HAVE BOUGHT THE EXTRA STRENGTH CLEANER FOR YOUR PEICE OF SHIT BATHROOM!!!!" I was totally shocked and confused, I stood there in shock and disbelief! Then before I knew it Billy rushed back to his very clean white van whipped out a huge EXTRA VALUE TUB of kaboom and then proceeded to rip out my eyeballs out of their sockets and dipped them in kaboom hereby blinding me for the rest of my life!

YES I HAVE FANS! ONE OF THEM SAID THIS ABOUT ME:

I have to admit, Billy Mays may have a very loud voice, but that smile, and that twinkle in his eyes? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Daddy bear! I agree with all the other bears who've posted here, that that man is one hot woof! Have his baby? Sure, hell yeah. Since a guy can't get pregnant, we'd just have to try and try and try again...and I certainly wouldn't wanna kick his ass. What I would do, well...uhm..any bears here who wanna email me and talk about it, no problem! :-{)} Billy Mays would make an excellent houseboy, playmate, whatever. I'd do him in a new york minute, (and even THAT wouldn't be fast enough for me.) Everyone dissing him, just has nothing else better to do than to be pissy and annoying...let the real men drool over him...I know I'd just be in a very long line wanting to boff that bear! Billy, you would be welcome in the homes of bears everywhere...including mine! :-{)}

[edit] BUT I'M NOT DONE

I AM NOW BRANCHING OFF MY BUSINESS INTO SELLING TRAINING DVDS ON HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF AND BE HEARD!!!! I AM NOW OFFERING THIS VIDEO TO ALL CUSTOMERS WHO SPEND AT LEAST $100.00 ON MY CLEANING PRODUCTS. ESSENTIALLY THIS DVD IS TO BE PLAYED CONTINUOUSLY THROUGHOUT THE DAY! THE DVD ALSO CONTAINS 2 BONUS FEATURES: BILLY MAYS HOW I BECAME LOUD AND WEALTHY, AS WELL AS FULL LENGTH COMMERCIALS OF NONE OTHER THEN ME CLEANING!!! WOW HOW MUCH FUN I THAT!?! TO WATCH AT YOUR LEISURE!!!!!!!! JUST IMAGINE MY SMILING LOUD BEARDED FACE PLAYING CONTINUOUSLY FOR YOU LADIES AT HOME WHILE YOU CLEAN!!

[edit] BUT I'M STILL NOT DONE!!

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A HINT AND SHUT THE HELL UP, I'M STILL NOT DONE!! I AM NOW OFFERING ONE VERY LUCKY BEST CUSTOMER A CHANCE TO MEET ME IN PERSON!! I WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE IN A LARGE AND VERY CLEAN WHITE VAN LOADED WITH MY WORLD FAMOUS CLEANING PRODUCTS!! I WILL THEN BURST INTO YOUR HOME AND CLEAN EVERY GOD DAMNED THING IN MY LINE OF FIRE!!! FOR FREE!!! IMAGINE THAT!!!!!! PLEASE DO NOT DELAY!! I AM ONLY HOLDING THIS SPECIAL OFFER THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS ONLY!!!

[edit] SEE THINGS OUTSIDE THIS COMMERCIAL!

• SEE MY RAP SONG!