Resident Evil
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“We own you and your d00ds.”
~ Capcom on how much they will milk this franchise
“I showed my bush in this movie. Use slow motion.”
“I'm good, but i'm not that good.... HEY!!!”
~ Jill Valentine on Alice's moves
{{Q|What're ya buyin?|The Merchant|[[The Resident Evil series}}
“I'll buy it for a high price.”
~ Capcom fanboys on Resident Evil 4
Contents |
[edit] How it all began
Resident Evil was originally based on the raging battle between Digimon and Will Smith , but they thought this would upset the people, so they changed it to a load of zombies (right) created by a biological superbeing, Chuck Norris. What was amazing about this superbeing was that it had god-like powers. One man quotes 'I couldn't even believe the power!' The bad news is the weapon was way to powerful that it created negative energy of zombietude, and most of this zombietude infected people and turned them to zombies.
[edit] The Spencer Mansion(What could have happened)
This was where George A. Romero was filming a top secret zombie film called "Zombies get Cancer." However, there was a huge party the night before, all the zombie actors got drunk as heck. When, Wesker, Burton, Valentine and Redfield went into the mansion. First they thought drunk cannibals were walking around eating each other, then Jill read a document and came to the realization that actually drunk people portraying zombies were eating people, because they were so fricken drunk, and then Wesker told Barry that he spiked the zombie actors eggnog with a biological agent known as the T-Virus. Which stands for "Terrible-Virus".
[edit] The Plan (What should have happened)
The retards plan was to create the ultimate biological weapon, but not for a terrorist group, or military purposes. The Tyrant or Mr.T,to be politically correct, was the super weapon that was developed in the Spencer Mansion. Ozwell E. Spencer is the personal trainer of Chuck Norris. He hired a group of scientists to develop a man so small that if it touched someone, that they could be beneficial to 'Chuck Norris' workout plan. The problem was, in Chuck Norris' workout, that he destroyed all of the punching bags. He needed a new punching bag. A living punching bag. An undead-living punching bag, to be precise. Ozwell hired blonde, homosexual Val-Kilmer lookalike Alberto Wesker to hire the S.T.A.R.S. to test out the T-Virus to observe how dangerous it could be. The Tyrant however, was destroyed by Chris Redfield, and Jill Valentine, as it felt self-conscious about its small penis. The test was a failure. In a later interview, Albert Wesker stated "If that blasted Daniel Craig wouldn't have happened to have flew over, and dropped his rocket launcher, then maybe the Tyrant would have been a good punching bag for Chuck Norris." Impressed with the results of the T-Virus, George A. Romero now uses it in all of his films.
[edit] Or rather, what really did happen
Basically, umberella-obsessive real estate agents, lead by Rihanna (who wanted everyone to see her umberella-ella-ella-aye-aye) have developed the T-Virus (aka Tyranny Virus) which turns all those infected into sex-and-blood crazed trannies (who prefer the term zombies).
[edit] The individuals behind the incident
Among Resident Evil fans, there are many speculations about who is behind this devastating disaster. Ozwell E. Spencer, Albert Wesker( whose dick is more shriveled than Spencer Breslin), Dr. Birkin, George A. Romero, Paul W.S. Anderson (oh wait, that's another Resident Evil disaster, if you catch my drift), Ada Wong, Adam Sessler, or even Bill Nigh the Science Guy. Out of these theories, Bill Nigh the Science Guy is the most realistic. But, although, it is the most realistic explanation, doesn't make it the correct answer. Below are some other suspects:
- Chuck Norris
- Ed Wood
- Michael Jackson
- Waldo
- Party Boy
- The Umbrella Corporation (Legally speaking, Umbrella can't be blamed)
- Professor Michael Shinoda (The evil mind behind the reanimation of bodies from those who listen to Hybrid Theory)
- A monkey
- Some Fat shit called Mr.Chubbywubby
- Pacman
- Jesus
- jordan Anderson
- Bethell
- Mr. Bowne
- Randy Rowe
And the mastermind, The Plow!!!
[edit] Resident Evil THE MOVIE
The piece-of-shit film takes place in an underground dog food lab, in which experiments on new diet dog food went suddenly wrong, causing weight loss, but at the same time, zombification. Two homeless lesbians, Alice (She doesn't have a last name, like Cher) and Rain Ocampo live there, only to find it overrun by zombies. With the help of a bunch of throwaway characters, they escape the lab, but not without a multitude of violence, nude scenes and needle felting. In the end, Rain turns into a zombie via the T Virus, and Alice gets AIDS and also dies.
[edit] Resident Evil Games
- Resident Evil Zer0: Beccy Gets Chambered
- Resident Evil 1: Jill Sandwich
- Resident Evil 2: Ada Was Wong About Everything
- Resident Evil 3: Juke Box Nemesis: With S.T.A.R.S. in his eyes
- Resident Evil 4: The President's Whore
- Resident Evil 5: Zombie's In The Sun
- Resident Evil Survivor: Down Memory Lane
- Resident Evil Survivor 2: Cheesy Nightmare
- Resident Evil Survivor 4: Electric Boogaloo
- Resident Evil Code: Vagina
- Resident Evil Code: Poppin Fresh
- Resident Evil Code: The Undead Sperm
- Resident Evil XXX: Undead Fetish
- Resident Evil Code: My Undead Salty Balls
- Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles of Life and Death also known in Japan as Your Mom.
- Resident Evil 637: Oh No They've Made Another Bloody One. Haven't they Killed All The Zombies Yet I Mean Look At Shaun Of The Dead They Got All Of The Zombies Working At ASDA And How Long Did It Take One Film! One Film! Can't These Lousy Writers Come Up With A Better Series I Mean Resident Evil Was S*** Anyway The Actors Were Crap, The Script Was Terrible And I have Seen Better Special Effects In A Post Office. And At The Launch Of This Film There Will Be A Fat Sweatty Bloke Saying It's A Masterpiece And The On Poster it says ***** 5 Star. I'm Telling You Know, I Can Put 5 Stars In Another Sentance. The Film Was S*** You N**. I Think I've Made My Point But They Will Still Make A Resident Evil 638, And It Will Be Just As Bad As This One
[edit] Self-Destruction
Just like in EVERY SINGLE game, this article may self destruct. Don't worry, though: It'll kill all the zombies contained within, and all the evidence that could be used to takedown Umbrella (don't worry, in the Umbrella Chronicles the company is FINALLY killed off, but the leader was never found and the new plot of the series is bringing the company back to life. Never can have too much zombies). But don't worry: There'll be a sequel, and more zombies, and more zombies, and more zombies, and more zombies, and OMFG - THAT TOOL ALBERT WESKER!! But never mind that, that dude already got stabbed - by some dude with a massive claw for a hand. If you find your self trapped in a lab near the end of the game, the solution is simple. You have a gun and a single bullet; be creative. The blame also goes to that double-crossing cross-dresser Barry Burton, and his slut, Rebecca "Beccy got Chambered" Chambers.
[edit] See also
Categories: Stub | Games
