BIONICLE
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“They're using good oil to make plastic to make these things? And people wonder how the fuel crisis happened.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bionicle
“Shut the fuck up, $3 isn't alot.”
~ Smart BZPower Members on Mistika
“$3 IS alot, if you ask me. The BIONICLE sold in Asuma is 120000 Kais! That is three dollars, and our wage is only 1200 Kais! (US$0.10)”
~ Matoran-Asuman on BIONICLE
“I wish they had some fucking knees and elbows. They did have them in the ads”
~ Some kid on BIONICLE
B.I.O.N.I.C.L.E., or Brick-based Institustion Of Ninjas, Inquisitors, Cops and Law Enforcers, are a secret department of law enforcement with an unusual twist - they are made of Lego. Well, something that claims to be Lego, anyway. These artifical, pint-sized cyborgs are charged with protecting not only humanity, but oil refineries, plastic things, other action figures, and anything related to plastic and oil. The reason for this is probably because they are made of plastic themselves, and so are a major drain on the black gold reserves, making them the contempt of hippies.
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[edit] Origin
It was a time of lawlessness, chaos, disorder, and other nasty sounding things. Lego surveyed the world, and decided something was wrong. To correct this, it created a force of knee-less, gear-filled robots, designed to be lawkeepers and badass cops and suchlike. Released under the guise of action figures, the peacekeepers infiltrated the homes of every Lego fan in the USA, Denmark and probably some other countries as well.
Lego saw how effective they were, and decided to release another series, the Bohrok, as drones to assist the first models. However, complaints reached them that they were the same, just in different colours. Lego didn't care. They had a mission. Amid cries of despair, they released another load of Bohrok, this time shiny, then revamped the originals, then continued to release 6 packs of models, each set identical in design.
The models themselves were a tad miffed about this. Why couldn't the bastards be inventive? They lodged a complaint, but Lego didn't care. The models then gave the company the finger and rushed off to form their own crime-busting teams just as the 2006 sets reached the shelves, taking the 2006ers with them.
[edit] Research
For a number of years the Lego Group has fabricated a fake research and development department in Copenhagen,Denmark. Known only to the partners at Lego Group the true ideas for most of their toys are developed by Gary Busey deep in a former Third Reich bunker the process involves Busey drinking scotch in a ball pit outfited with a strobe-light after his ideas are directly dictated to the Lego Groups board of directors. Saving on estimate 10 million dollars a year
[edit] Members
As of 2007, the members are:
- Matoran: Formally known as the Tohunga (native healer) until the hut-dwellers sued LEGO and LEGO whimped out, the Matoran are rather useless, silly little people who have no powers or even love-organs (Heaven forbid anyone in the Bionicle universe should have children! That would imply sex! Sex is controversial and Bionicle must never, ever have anything controversial in it) and basically exist to be saved. Frankly if you or I were one of them we'd probably just shoot ourselves in the head. Despite being the weakest and most useless race in the Matoran Universe, everyone seems to speak their language and the Universe is named after them.
- Mata Nui: A supposedly omnipotent deity figure who is totally worshipped by the Matoran and who is basically a God although Heaven forbid anyone should actually say that! Oh no, in the Bionicle universe, religion, like sex is forbidden! Despite supposedly being allpowerful Mata Nui has spent the entire, six year storyline comatose, implying that either he is a narcoleptic, incredibly lazy and pretending to be asleep or just suffering from an incredibly bad hangover. Regardless, he makes the Flying Spaghetti Monster who caused the Great Flood by accident, look competant. According to the Turanga however he has been incapacitated by the evil Brotherhood of Makuta but the Turaga do nothing but chat shit anyway so who really believes a word they say these days? He is one of a race known as the Maiar, (*cough*) Great Spirits whose job it is to protect Universes (they really shouldn't get paid) while it is the job of the Valar (*cough*) Great Beings to create Universes.
- Toa Mata: The first series of the models, these team oversees the whole company, due to their lack of knees preventing them getting around much. They also have the sexiest member, Gali, who dies of AIDS do to continuitive sex. If they do need to see action, they don some snazzy adaptive armour and jetpacks, becoming the Toa Nuva.
- Toa of Light: Basically a Toa Nuva, except he pinched his armour from Gali. He was some stupid little guy for most of his life, then went off, beat up Makuta in a ball game and then did sweet FA. So he's a crossdresser with a really poncy power who couldn't beat Makuta in anything except some wierd pseudo-baseball/hockey game. He also showed them the way to Mata Metru, but couldn't they just have got a map?
- Bohrok: Mindless drones designed to assist the originals. They could roll up to be stored easily, and their brains could be removed for reprogramming. The Bohrok Kal were one of a kind, the elite, the ones telling them what to do. They were all built the same for ease of manufacture, but they otherwise held little use as a toy. He was a matoran, but he decided that he wanted power, lots of power because he thought that the matoran... were GAY!!!!!!
- Rahkshi: Named themselves in hopes that their enemies would choke to death trying to say their names, the seventh rahkshi ahkhackhadrahk (do not attempt to pronounce) died naming himself, and was never able to combat the seventh toa, leaving the other rahkshi outnumbered. There the ones that screamed "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER!" at you while shining a torch in your eyes. Let's not talk about them.
- Toa Metru: Vaccume: Toa of fire; has no sword so he sucks, No~Comma: Toa of Watter;has Verry pour Grahmar an' speling abilitiys, Matel: Toa of air; may or may not have been produced by Lego co., Jujube: Toa of Ice; a fat free candy, One-Way: Toa of stone; cannot walk backward, Whenwas: Toa of earth; poor guy gets stuck with the lame mask of night vision, These guys kick ass. They take the most missions, they look cool, and they have the hottest girl of them all. Except Gah-Lee, who could whup her ass anyday and every day. Especially in that way. They got mutated once into half-animals, half-people but the nuclear scientists who did it to them apologized and they got turned back into their normal forms. After they ate scientist's heads first, of course.
Nokama looks hot even when she's a freaky mutant.
- Vahki: Currently, the Vahki just patrol the streets like your average cop.
“Wait, more law enforcers? We ARE law enforcers! Okay, so they can do yoga, and shoot razor-bladed disks from their mouths, but that's redundant. Make 'em sort the boxes in the warehouse, and do the paper work.”
~ Toa Whenua Metru on Vahki, shortly before he was hit by a Staff of Do-What-I-Say and told to jump in a river.
- Toa Inika/Mahri: These guys are creepy. They're, like, trying to get you into being nice and safe, but their grins creep you out. They're not convincing either. They're like the teacher who tried to make learning fun, but failed miserablely. Sometimes they don some lame gear and work underwater as the Toa Mahri, and they're complete pushovers. Fortunately, they're all at the bottom of the sea and the white one died, so we won't be seeing them again for a long time.
- Makuta: A race of evil, sadistic Shapeshifters, also known as the Cabal who supposedly run Wikipedia and are dedicating their efforts to conquering the Matoran universe (I say Universe, it's actually in a cave underground). They bear a striking resemblance to the demons of Judeo-Christianity but woe-betide anyone who dares point that out. Remember, religion is forbidden! In 2008, There will be Smaller Makuta- Including a sadistic female one who likes blood and gore- In other words, her name is Gorast. (No, seriously, this isn't made-up..) There's a male who's got blood 'n stuff all over him who loves filthy vaginas. His name is Krika, and it's a cuban slang term for a vagina. Look it up. also there is Toa Shita but we wont talk about him. And, the blue one, Vamprah kicks ass and takes names without saying a word. Hardcore.
- The Great Beings: The only people in the Bionicle cosmology even more inept that Mata Nui, they are worryingly even more powerful than him although they're less physically strong. It's their job to create universes and the Great Spirits' job to protect them but they've buggered off somewhere and aren't paying the blindest bit of attention to the Matoran Universe and so are blithely unaware that Mata Nui is unconscious, the universe is collapsing in on itself, evil people with silly names are running riot and basically everything's going to pot. One of them created the Mask of Life, also known as My Preciousss (whoops, don't mention Lord of the Rings, the very mention of LOTR's startling similarities to Bionicle is also forbidden because Greg Farshtey's got a big thing against "plagiarism" despite the fact that it's practically the key to his success; H.P. Lovecraft, anyone? or perhaps a bit of Milton?), probably for Halloween but despite being a supposedly all-powerful cosmic being, once he put it on he went mad and things started coming to life around him and the other Great Beings had to lock him up in a mental institution for deities and he now thinks he's Napoleon and shares a room with the Crimson King. The Great Beings and the Great Spirits were created by an even more powerful being called the Great Tosser.
- Makuta: Also known as Terry or Satan (argh, religion!), Makuta, Master of Shadows is an insane sociopath and leader of the Brotherhood of Makuta whom the supposedly wise Mata Nui put in charge of protecting the Matoran. Also the Rahkshi's father (who's the mother, that's what I want to know) and a heavy smoker. He's died a few times but keeps coming back in a new form every year through a conveniant plot twist. Has left to go into rehab for his smoking issues. Allegedly he has a grand-scale diabolical plan and everything is going the way he has foreseen (install evil laugh here). What this plan is, we don't know however Bionicle author Greg Farshtey probably just uses it to excuse the completely erratic plot which basically revolves around which models come out and lend himself an illusion of actually being in control of his story. At the start of the story, Makuta (or Teridax as he's known) was the villainous brother of Mata Nui who cast a spell over the Great Spirit, causing him to fall into a deep sleep. Recently however he was revealed to be a member of a species created by Mata Nui to protect the Matoran and they were called brothers because they worked together. Slight difference. Also this would make Gordon Brown and George Bush brothers. Scary thought. It was also revealed that his real name is in fact Teridax and Makuta is a title given to members of the Brotherhood of Makuta but it's also the name of the species and the name which Teridax prefers to be called by and it all gets rather silly. Not quite as silly as the fact that Makuta, despite being perfectly aware of how evil he is and actually walking around wearing a T-Shirt with "IM EVIL" written on it, seems to think that his actions are for the good of the "Universe."
- Optimus Prime: "Autobots, transform and roll - oh sorry, Wrong article. Come on chaps, let's try the other place.
[edit] People who were members, then left for greener pastures
- Visorak: These spiders were used to push things around and do menial labour, but after one too many complaints of webbing left everywhere, they left. Watch where you go at night now. They're hungry.
- Piraka: Pi-raka, Pi-pi-piraka, Pi-raka, Pi-pi-piraka! This gang of homies get down in da crib, pimping things out and being badass. We don't need no Toa! We've got dreadlocks, they've got silly masks! Foo's won't know what hit 'em. Even if we do live in a garage...
This one's called Avak. He's my homie. An' he's got balls yo.Fo'shizzle. - Barraki: A failed experiment at being more different models, rather than a rehash of a single design. These weirdos now live at the bottom of the sea. Good thing too, because they're as ugly as hell. Don't go near them. EVER. Well, it doesn't matter, because their squid guns don't work very well, so you might be safe. I said might.plus, the brown ones dead, the blue one is a dick head that controls stupid others.
[edit] Notable achievements
- The B.I.O.N.I.C.L.E. have captured and interrogated numerous terrorists, learning vital plans to aid America in the Iraq War. Now if only Bush would listen...
- Chuck Norris was made an hounorary member, but due to the size difference and the fact that he wasn't made of plastic and oil (he is made of pure awesomeness), he doesn't have to take part in missions or anything.
- The B.I.O.N.I.C.L.E. HQ was the first testing ground of the Cat-Toast Device MKII, as of yet unreleased. The test failed, but the scientists there are looking into using just two slices of toast stuck back-to-back for portable generators.
- Tahu (the first red one) and Gali (the first blue one) have recently announced their engagement, and to celebrate their Christmas marriage, they are prompting Lego to make some snazzy new versions of the Toa Nuva for 2008. Babies may arrive, too, although how plastic can reproduce is beyond scientific knowledge.
[edit] Controversy
In 2001, a complaint was lodged by some people living in huts in another country somewhere, who claimed that some words were "stolen" from their language. Despite this obvious impossibility, Lego wimped out and changed some names, but craftily kept others in.
Late in 2006, all of the blue models complained that only the blue ones were female, and sued for sexual discrimination. The rest of the toys responded by reminding them that Guhrak, Vezok, Takadox, and Vamprah were all male, and the blue Visorak, Bohrok and Vahki were either gender-neutral, confused or homosexual. That shut them up.
In Mid-2007, Bill Cosby sued LEGO for a line in the Toa Mahri Minimovie, that said Cosby's trademark phrase, "JELLO PUDDING POP!!!". It was later changed to "What's your ass?"
[edit] WARNING
If you or someone you know has purchased a bionicle set in the last 25 years (even though its only been around for 7 years) and is still playing with it, you/they are obsessed or under mind control. Just drop the plastic and leave the room. For the good of mankind.
