Bioshock
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| Bioshock | |
|---|---|
| Designer | 2Kicks-In-The-Nuts-Games |
| Genre | SPS-Small Penis Shooter |
| Version | 2.1.337 |
| ESRB Rating | M-For Masturbation Material |
| Number of Players | MMORPG status, several million at once. |
| Consoles | PC, PlayBoxWiiSixty |
| System Requirements | 50 MBs of RAM and SPAM, 54 gigahertz CPU, dashboard, 666 x 1337 pixel Monitor, braces & single parents, 1 Necronomicon, Objectivist literature, one (1) pint of virgin blood |
| Inputs | Keyboard, Mouse, Cat, Ayn Rand, Soul, Hand, adam and eve, |
“I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? 'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to Oprah.' 'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.' 'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'In Soviet Russia, pie eats YOU!' I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...Rapture, a city where the artist need only fear being butchered by ADAM addicted psychopaths, where the scientist can run roughshod over physics as we know them, where the great can do whatever the hell they want! And in Rapture, you can have your pie and eat it as well.”
~ Andrew Ryan on Rapture
“It's System Shock meets Stingray meets the complete works of Ayn Rand! How can it not sell? Man, we're awesome.”
~ Some Developer on Bioshock{
“WOULD YOU KINDLY FIND A CROWBEAR OR SOMETHING?!?!?!?”
~ Atlas (a.k.a. Fontaine's Perfect Pizza)
“Would you kindly stick it in me?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bioshock
“The Big daddies are really big!!!”
~ Captain Obvious on Bioshock
“BioShock will include such next-gen shooter 2.0 features like a completely linear path, open-ended story (kill all, save all, or take your picks and end with the same damn ending) crates, monster closets, monster-rush AI, more crates and oh, did I mention crates?”
~ Jem Kevine on BioShock at E3 2009
“BioShock is much more complex, interactive and deep than System Shock 2. We're really making this game for the fans.”
~ a desperate Jem Kevine on TTLG SS2 forums lying off his ass to sell ten more copies of BioShock
Bioshock, also known as 20,000 Objectivists Under the Sea (Give Or Take), is a Rail-Shooter developed by 2Kicks-In-The-Nuts Games. It was initially designed as a liberal propaganda device to brainwash people into doing horrible things to little girls. Eventually the project was dropped, and some bum named Jem Kevine who worked for the video game company 2KitnG, came across the diabolical game and set to work finishing it. However, a lawyer named Jack Harrison murdered the man and then, for some reason, continued the project. Mr. T pities this fool. The game takes place in the 1960s (or maybe the 1950s? Eh, who cares?). The pitying fool conned into buying the game survives a plane crash, and eventually comes across a underwater city named Rupture, created by your typical business schmoe with a golf fetish Andrew Ryan, who basically said to both America and Soviet Russia "Fine! I'll go build my own utopian society! With blackjack! And hookers!" The bad news is, as with most fictional utopias, everything went horribly, horribly wrong. The good news is, a man named Atlas (are you seeing the Ayn Rand influence yet?) is here to guide the player through the ruinous and torn structures of the fail that is Rapture.
Unfortunately, a parasitic-virus was never removed from the CD, and once you installed the game, you could only install it once more. This virus was first created by the original liberal creators, but Jen Kevine added onto it so as to force players to buy more than one copy of the game, as well as to help the piracy movement, Kevine being a pirate himself. The game bombed big time because of this, and pissed off a lot of super nerds, who bitched on every forum on this side of the internet.
Contents |
[edit] History
In 1998, the world was growing more and more chaotic, Liberalism was now under the control of the Walrus-Demon Rosie O'Donnell, Rosie survived off the blood of children, and thus her and all of Liberalism began to support Abortion, in a effort to feed their massive Walrus-Demon Lord, but by 2005 abortion wasn't cutting it. Rosie formed a special team to develop another propaganda device to brainwash the masses into killing children, thus Bioshock was born. Two years later, after the Liberals dropped the project, that guy Levine stumbled across it while taking a dump behind McDonalds, and the creation of the UberCopyright Virus System (UCVS) was put together by Levine and his colleagues, to help fund the New Pirate Order.
The game scored high reviews amongst Gaming Critics, but by then it was too late, the Copyright System had already taken over 90,271 computers, and brainwashed thousands of Nerds and Common People looking for a game, eventually these nerds transformed into the fearsome SuperUberNerd, and devoted their entire life to anything opposite of normal. This New Nerd Breed reproduced asexually, by creating new nerds out of strange egg sacs known as "Acne", The Population rapidly declined, and Ken Levine was officially appointed as Emperor of the Nerd Legions, Rosie was satisfied, and the Evil Liberal Hordes ruled the earth.
Strangely Enough, the outside world, since taken over by the Evil Liberal Hordes, looks uncannily similar to the city in BioShock, except with fat people instead of whales.
[edit] Gameplay
Gameplay involves on-rails shooting around the underwater city of Rapture, trying not to get your ass killed by bat fuck insane mutants in masquerade masks and nurse outfits (mutant strippers much?), and trying to fuel your ADAM addiction by draining dead bodies. A number of weapons found across Rapture are available for your use, from wrenches to pistols, but you'll also find that your ADAM addiction pays off, giving you the ability to use magic-like powers called "plasmids" that let you throw lightning, fire, bees, and really wild parties. It's not magic, it just seems like magic, but it's got science behind it. See? Okay good then, anyway...
In your journeys across Rapture, you'll eventually come across Little Sisters and Big Daddies, usually called by those who fight them "Holy shit, I think I just voided my bladder and bowels at the same time!". Little Sisters drain ADAM from dead bodies, since it's never too early to start drug use. They are guarded by their Big Daddies, big motherfuckers who could crush your head with their asscheeks, if they had asses. But since they don't, they either knock you the fuck out with their big-ass drill (Bouncers) or chuck landmines and shoot you with a freaking rivet gun (Rosies), the latter of which was clearly named after the Walrus-Demon leader of the Liberals who originally designed the game. You can stay away from this strange pair, or you can attack them, and if you somehow survive, you can decide what you want to do with the girl: pour lemonade on her and get a little ADAM, or pull a black child with a birth defect out of her and get lots of ADAM . (It's pretty obvious what most people will choose.) You could then decide to go out and get some sun, since you probably just did what you bought this game for in the first place, you sicko.
[edit] Weapons
As you travel across Rapture, you find many weapons lying around near dead bodies. One such weapon is the Wrench, or as Atlas calls it, "A Crowbear, or somethin'." The spelling of "crowbar" is intentional, Atlas's Irish accent really is that thick. The Wrench is particularly significant because it gives the impression of being a desperate antihero, until you pick up your first gun 8 minutes later. Other weapons besides the wrench include a chemical thrower which not only spews fiery goodness at its opponents, but can fire liquid nitrogen and what appears to be electrified semen. There's also a shotgun, and a crossbow that fires these flaming arrows that light people on fire. It's very authentic. The only fake thing about these weapons is the Machine Gun, which is actually called a Tommy Gun. Oh, and you can't see your feet, for a very good reason: nobody ever looks at their feet in a FPS unless they're doing a rocket jump, and Bioshock doesn't have a rocket launcher, so...
Ammo can be easily obtained from vending machines stationed throughout the city. This is to ensure that all citizens of Rapture have a means of killing each other whenever they feel like it. Other useful items found in vending machines include liquor, cigarettes, over-the-counter drugs, and various types of junk food.
Another type of weapon involves not using a gun, which is a stupid idea because guns are awesome. These weapons, namely Plasmids ( Which really should exist , admit it !), have interesting and varied effects. Some examples include:
Telekinesis- This plasmid allows you to pick things up and throw them at people using psychic powers. It is mostly useless because Bioshock suffers from a staggering and unusual dearth of exploding barrels, though if you're desperate you could always stick some proximity mines to a non-exploding barrel and throw that, but it's just not the same. This plasmid is very similar to the act of picking things up and throwing them at other things, except for telekinesis is special.
Target Dumy- Creates a semi-transparant ghost so that your enemys will attack it while you slink off to go do something productive LIKE DOING THE SAME USELESS BACKTRACKING AND ITEM COLLECTING YOU DID IN EVERY GAME SINCE PONG!
Enrage- This plasmid lets you throw a rotten tomato at people...which for some reason makes them angry. Those people become stronger when they are angry and attack you with more vigor, showing that you are an idiot because you were stupid enough to use it.
Security Bullseye- This plasmid throws a slimy blue ball at people, causing the automated security to attack them. This could be because the security cameras hate the color blue.
Hypnotize Big daddy- This plasmid allows you to take a slimy green ball (the guys working on the visuals were a bunch on lazy bastards) and hurl it at a big daddy. Seeing this as an act of friendship, the Big Daddy sees it fit to follow the player, getting uncomfortably close. The symbol for this plasmid is a megaphone, which makes sense.
Sonic Boom- A highly exclusive plasmid, available for the extortionate price of your dignity, this plasmid lets the player unleash a thundering sonic boom from their arm, rupturing eardrums and bowels indiscriminately...oh, wait, no, it's just a thundering silence and some shitty ragdoll physics.
Incinerate- This plasmid will set your enemies on fire with the snap of a finger. This might sound useful, but splicers will still attack you the same as before. The only difference is that they scream more (if you're into that kind of thing).
Insect Swarm- With this plasmid you can harvest the power of the bees. Upon releasing the bees from your arms, they will go and retrieve honey for you. Watch out for big daddies when using this plasmid, because they LOVE honey. This is the most effective trade-off of all plasmids, as it gives you the power to mildly annoy your enemies in exchange for your entire arm becoming a goddamn beehive.
Electrobolt-Zaps an enemy just enough to piss it off and alert it's friends to your position but not enough to do any real damage.
In order to use any of these plasmids, they must be violently stabbed into your wrist using a needle. Repetitively stabbing plasmids into your bloodstream does not cause infection, although your hands will turn a funny shade of green.
[edit] Story
Ayn Rand underwater.
Seriously, just think Ayn Rand and Underwater. Also, you shoot things. You meet all kinds of crazy people, like a homicidal plastic surgeon, a bitter old female German scientist (who isn't even hot, for Christ's sake) and an ambiguously gay performance artist (my god, who'd thought that people who came from an era known as 'The Homophobic 40s' were that fruity?). Then you get brainwashed and/or double-crossed, and get to beat a man to death by driving a putter three inches into his head. In case you didn't know, this has been called 'The Game Version of a Romantic Comedy'. What else is there to say? Nothing? Good, would you kindly play the Goddamn game. But not the PC version, because of the stupid anti-piracy virus we just told you about, dumbass.
Oh, and there's something about a mobster and some sea slugs. It really doesn't matter because the story is so incomprehensible that Al Gore could not explain in with his lifty thing.
[edit] Characters
Main characters include you, some litle girls that scream when you touch them, big guys with sick looking drills that can eat you, and some plumbers (distant relatives of Mario) that like to beat people with their wrenches. Here is the complete list, from least existent to most intelligent:
- You, the ten-year-old girl rapist
- Little girls with slugs inside
- Big guys with large drills to compensate for something...oh, and their several more than two eyes glow. That's because they're stupid and don't know better.
- Mario (or maybe Joseph Stalin) and his plumbing pals, whose wrenches are more mightier than god himself. But not your flaming hand; that, is forever!
- Your mom, several times: she appears as those naked chicks strapped to tables.
- Your nuts
- Two swift kicks
- Superspecialawesomeman!
- Erik Estrada, an American (possibly Costa Rican) television actor, known for a successful career in the California Highway Patrol following his retirement from the television, or prostitution industry.
- John Galt
Frank Fontaine, an old porn actor that smokes Adam and is pretty messed up so he stays naked while playing banjo outside.
[edit] Criticism
BioShock is often criticized for being too realistic, complex, and unforgiving of player mistakes. Hahahah. Not really.
[edit] WARNING
This game has had some serious side effects. There have been some cases where people who played this game for three or more strait days have become pedophiles. They come to believe that they are actually Jack and will go around killing innocent fathers and "harvesting" their daughters for their sick desires. Other cases have included injecting various fluids into their blood streams. The last and rarest of cases is where people will run up to someone and say "would you kindly..." and when that person doesn't comply, they kill them.
[edit] Other Information
Should not be confused with the interactive games Biocock, Biosmock, or Biosock.
