Birmingham
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“Alroight bab?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Birmingham.
“Birmingham? What the fuck's that??!?!!”
~ Ozzy Osbourne on Birmingham
“England's third best city. Or maybe the fourth or fifth. Or perhaps a few places down. Anyway, I'm fairly sure it's a city at least. Isn't it?”
~ Mayor of Birmingham
Located in a huge bomb crater somewhere in the lost lands of the Midlands, Birmingham is where the people of England go to die.
It is one of many English city centres to be designed by Adolf Hitler, who in an act of benevolence attempted to bomb various putrid cesspools off the map during World War Two. When this failed and he lost the war, the big cry baby got his revenge by designing nightmare concrete buildings, uterly miserable public transport and sadistic traffic systems. For this reason Birmingham has been designated an IKEA World Heritage Site.
By Royal decree, everything in Birmingham must be 33% less good than London in order to fit it's status as England's third most polluted city. Birmingham regularly surpasses this target and most things in Birmingham are radioactive due to the pollution.
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[edit] History
The city was founded by Ozzy Osbourne's dad in 1836. He was so horrified by what he had done that he spent the rest of his life drunkenly beating his son until the hapless sod agreed to marry Sharon Osbourne.
Birmingham was regrettably placed on the map when local resident Jasper Carrot found out how to build crap whilst on the 12:17 to Penzance. During the next two dozen minutes, several factories emerged in Birmingham, building everything from shit to shit, ships to Kendal Mint Cake and a bit more shit.
[edit] Sport
Sport was made illegal in Birmingham in 1936 by William the Conqueror. This law is still strictly adhered to today, as evidenced by watching the miserable performances of either of the city's two kick ball teams, Handsworth United or Kebab meat and chips with chilli sauce Villa.
Eating processed meat products is a popular replacement pass-time. Track-suit clad residents of Birmingham Chavs regularly compete to see who can eat the most bits of mashed up pig, sheep, cows, dogs and monkeys in grotesque abuses of the human body not seen since the height of Roman emperor Nero's rule. Other Brummies eat more sensibly.
[edit] People
If we regard humanity as a pool of congealing tramps vomit, the people of Birmingham would be a half digested piece of carrot. Not terribly attractive, though not as bad as bile (the people of London's east end) and possibly with some nutritional value. The people seem to believe that Birmingham is the "second city" because of the city population, but at the end of the day, nobody cares. In fact, most people who live in the city cannot speak well at all and have no means of culture whatsoever. And quite frankly, it is pathetic for someone who dreams of living in Birmingham.
The people of Birmingham are known as Brummies, usually in such eloquent addresses as Shut your fucking gob, you ugly fucking Brummy Bastard (Prime ministers question time, April 2007)
The world record for fruitless scratch card scratching and angrily screwed up lottery tickets is held by the not terribly proud people of Birmingham.
[edit] Infamous Brummies
- That woman on Ideal World who often sells hoovers
- 'Halifax' Howard
[edit] Future Developements
Plans were recently formulated to turn Birmingham into one big prison after the mayor got pissed up one night and watched 'Escape from New York' starring Kurt Russell. These were scrapped after councillors protested that the idea of importing thousands of psychopaths and criminals into the city was ludicrous, since 90% of the population already met that criteria and were not even aware that it was possible to leave the confines of the city.
One of Birmingham's top scientists, Richard Madeley has been, on the order of the city council, developing a heat ray to position above the arctic snow cap. Once activated, the heat ray would flood the vastly over-rated city of London and bring the coastline to within a few miles of Birmingham's south-western frontier.
Everyone likes a tropical beach, especially me.
If this plan works, the London 2012 Olympics will be transferred to Birmingham by default. Birmingham does not plan on building any stadia or any of that piddle paddle, instead the sole event will be trying to get from St. Market's Martin to Bloadway Praza in time for the 7:30 showing of Pong: The Movie.
Most of Birmingham council's funds are now directed towards Solihull, Warwickshire.
[edit] Transport
Due in part to its location in middle hell, Birmingham is a delightful village; its clean air, sparkling fountains, and beautifully mountainous scenery attracting many an international tourist for a holiday soujourn.
[edit] Railways
Birmingham's New Street Station plays a central role in causing disruption to the national railway system due to it being a dark, dank pit in the ground which someone made the mistake of running rails through instead of a stake or a hub.
Because of concerns raised by Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International, Midlands County Council spent a considerable amount of money in 2011 to develop New Street Station into a giant, gleaming, microwave cooker. Waiting times have been cut in half, though timetable troubles - those mischievous scamps which charm the country with a wink and a hat tip; which have been insoluble since the time of Christ - must sadly wait until His return. We simply lack the tools to unravel the sins which led us here. C'mon man, it was one fucking apple.
[edit] Buses and Coaches
Ah, the buses (or "buzz" and "buzzes" as locals call them)! Blessed, liberal constructions! Unburdened by time and responsibility they flit about the village, as a disparate hive of bees from flower to flower. And how appropriate this metaphor - the buses, bringing the sweet nectar of aroused, burberry wearing youth from household to household, propagating no species less than mankind himself. And the flowers - the sweet fragrance of Birmingham city centre, the graceful curves of the Bullring, art deco of smashed glass, the exorbiant prices. From whence do the buses come; where do they nest? Do they require an abode, or are they truly able to roam freely as giant, fibre glass symbols of Birmingham's hub? O, their gaiety, all the more resplendent when enshrouding the surly man sitting at their head, demanding exact change! Demand on my friend! And semen is not all they transport - proudly across their flanks are the messages of hair care and Hollywood production. The bus is the very lifeblood of Birmingham and as such is the village's official bird of prey (and the number 50s the best way to fly! travelling from the mighty Kings Heath to the slums of balsall heath, highgate and asian infested areas like sparkhill . and other areas I fail to remember.)
The number 37 bus is the best bus service in Birmingham and Solihull, it is rumoured that the shadow of Mr Blobby once rode on the 37 and has since graced it's gold lined seats. The windows are always free of condensation because they (Travel West Midlands) employ Jim Davidson to suck it all off, when he is not doing this, he is entertaining the passengers with his incredibly low form of wit.
[edit] Roads
Birmingham's roads are used for the local sport, sitting in cars whilst beeping. The sport is enjoyed by 107% of the city population, who often participate soon after they finish work. It is also popular to eat at local restaurant, 'Spaghetti Junction'
Travel to Rome severely restricted pending construction work. As an alternative destination the attractive Worcestershire village of Redditch is highly recommended, although only to those with a current Valium prescription.
[edit] Canals
Birmingham has two major rivers; the Rae and the Cole. Rae is Brummie for a dirty little stream full of shopping trollies and assorted other shite that spawns genetically altered mallards that eat mouldy bread off the bank and drink only extra strangth cider discarded by the dead drunk tramps that litter the riverside. Cole is Brummie for shitty river, quite literally since it runs through cannon hill park and the Nature Centre which are full of shit. In fact the Nature Centre was built on a huge pile of shit sometime in the middle ages by a man called Jeremy Flobsbottom who wanted a toilet for his pet Big Bird.
In 1820 Thomas Telford began construction of the Birmingham Main Line canal, which would terminate at Old Turn Junction in the centre of Birmingham. The original blueprints show that a large interchange was planned comprising of a canal fly-over, numerous slip channels and a tidal-flow system on an elevated stretch of canal. Local businesses backed the proposal, pleased with the extra traffic the junction would accommodate. The interchange was affectionately nicknamed Tagliattelle Junction.
Local residents were not so delighted by the prospect of having the most complex waterway junction in the UK on their doorstep. They argued the iron troughs and support pillars would be unsightly and the excess noise of water lapping up against the side of the narrow boats would cause them undue stress. Protest marches ensued, public consultation meetings held and petitions signed. After much debate Telford backed down on his plans and a simple roundabout was installed instead. Thereafter, the high volume of traffic on Birmingham's waterways always resulted in jams and Birmingham was known throughout the country as a traffic hotspot.
[edit] Nature Centre
The nature centre is a place of legend and mass pilgrimage for many Brummies. They come to worship the great spirit of the animals and to annoy the staff by asking stupid questions like 'do you have any monkeys?' and other such idiocy. The most coveted animal in the whole sad enterprise is the Red Panda, this has special significance to many Brummies whose families were affected in the great burning of the Red Panda in 1987, where the IRA stole a stuffed Red Panda from the Council House and burned it in a sadistic catholic ritual on the statue in Centenary Square. The Nature centre has paid tribute to the brave people that shot the IRA off the statue in Centenary Square by displaying two living Red Pandas in pride of place.
Incidentally, the stuffed Red Panda was a gift from the Emperor of Brunei whose visit coincided with the 50th anniversary of the end of the war of the Claret and Blues which resulted in the complete destruction of the shrine of St Andrew in Small Heath by Morrison’s.
[edit] Random Trivia
- The national anthem of Birmingham is
"Birmingham"Keep Right On. Well the residents do need the encouragement to not kill themselves. - There are more miles of canal in Birmingham than on Venus. This is primarily attributed to the fact that humans have yet to colonise Venus. Despite this, most people are amazed to hear there are more miles of canal in Birmingham, because they cannot bring themselves to accept Birmingham has more of something than somewhere else, with the possible exception of ugly people with extraordinarily annoying accents. Most people are apparently Cockneys.
- The word 'Birmingham' is an anagram for 'Grim ham bin', which makes absolutely no sense, so you must acquit.
- Hudson Leick once laid waste to Birmingham, but no one noticed.
- There are more trees in the Amazon Rainforest than in Birmingham
- Broad Street isn't the widest road in Birmingham. Jack McCoy is considering suing the Birmingham council for false advertising.
- Birmingham is absolutely definitely not the Second City of the United Kingdom. A nationwide poll conducted in 2010 placed Birmingham a meek 19th after Istanbul and Rotterdam.
- The Brummie accent can be used to grate cheese, carrots and many other food items
- Ruth Kelly is said to have assembled "caution wet floor" signs in the factories of Birmingham as a child
- In 2020 the entire population of Frank Lampard's house was invited to have a shit on the Villa Park pitch.
[edit] Culture and Arts
- Main article: Heavy Metal
Don't be ridiculous! Birmingham has as much chance of being a cultural city as Liverpool FC winning the Premier League.
[edit] brummie culture
Getting high
selling drugs
downloading
bootlegging
stealing
beeping horns
relaxing
claiming benefits
and being gangster
bein sick and binge drinkin
Barmy British Stuff 
