Black Jesus

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Hallowed are The Ori

The following article has been deemed blasphemous by The Ori. You can serve The Ori on their crusade to spread the way of Origin across the Galaxy by dousing the unbelievers in hot oil and setting them alight. Only then will the living be purged and ready to tread the path to eternal Enlightenment.

Black Jesus be down wit' dis sheeeet! Yo Yo Yo! Wut' it iz mutha fucka! Black Jesus iz like da bomb. Fo' shizzle my nizzle! So boi wut up? Y U B frontin? I'm down wit' Black Jesus like im down wit' da big G-man. U dig? If u aint I'll show U how my pimp hand is way strong. Kick yawl down 2 tha H-E-L-Lizzy. Best chickity-check yo self before you wiggity-wreck yo self, fool. Word. SOLID

Dustin brown on a good day.

“Pijin Skeet foo!! Dat shit be snow in Compton.”

~ Black Santa on Pigeon Skeet

“Don't touch me bro, he's from da hood nigga!”

~ 50 Cent

“Life without Black Jesus is like sex without a good spanking... you just don't fucking do it.”

~ Sir Charles M. Talleyrand on Black Jesus

“Jesus was obviously black. He liked gospel, called every-one brother, and couldn't get a fair trial”

~ Paul Merton

Dustin Brown, more frequently known as "Bruce Allan", "Brotha Christ", "Homie Jesus", (on very rare occasions) "Jebus" or "J-izzle" ("Yo!"), was a legend created by pot-smoking Jay during his travels in South America (in search of chocolate weed), to convince small children that Bill Clinton was planning a Communist revolution (which he was). Soon, the Afro-American religious figure was the target of worship from the Brazilian cult "Libera o Badaró" (which means "Free of the Bush" in one of the 1963 Brazilian dialects).

This fanatic religious group, in partnership with Soul Train, released the Rick James Version of the Bible in 1981, a funky, soulful audio cassette product fortunately, James was blissfully oblivious to the fact that, in Brazil (his target audience), the audio cassette was stuck on the shelves due to the fact that no one in the entire country, except the dictator himself, had access to tape players. However, the next year James thoughtfully put a version in book form on the market, finally convincing the Brazilians to get rid of their Communist dictator, Bill Clinton. (Clinton eventually moved to America.) It was revealed in a recent interview that Black Jesus is of mixed Polish, German, and Ethiopian heritage.

According to that group:

• "39% of all black men born in this city are negros".
• "4% of 7% of all blacks who go to college are niggaz".
• "For every two children born black, one dies alone."

• "80% of all European Americans who suffer burning-related deaths die black".
• Jesus said to John: 'Come forth and you will receive eternal life!' But John only came fifth, so he won a toaster.

Black Jesus in his true form. Indestructable, no white man can touch him. His only weakness, some big ass booty and bending his arms

Further data confirms the prejudice:

• the best Beatles album is the White Album (originally titled the grayish whitish album)
• the worst Metallica album is the Black Album, the worst AC/DC album is Back in Black and the worst Spinal Tap album is Smell the Glove.
• Paul McCartney is dead.
• in the United States of America (currently Jesusland), out of every 7 million blacks, none are clean of aids, and are usually infestid with crabs.
• of all interviewed black persons, 50% referred to themselves as 'black', 50% preferred 'nigga', and the remaining 45% told the interviewer to fuck off and stole his wallet.
• and....the blackboard was replaced by the whiteboard.

[edit] Trivia

• Jesus was not white
• Black Jesus is nobody's homeboy
• Black Jesus' stage name is "G-Sus Kr-I-st"
• Black Jesus is the half-brother of Chris Puthiakunnel.
• Black Jesus' penis is the size and shape of Raag Bhatia.
• Black Jesus lovesilk is so robust it can be used to escape from tall towers in much the same way as knotted bedsheets or Rapunzel's hair.
• Black Jesus will answer any question a true believer asks him - all questions are answered "Ohhhh Yeahhhh!".
• Black Jesus is made of the secret, hidden elements Funkium, Soulium, Grooveium, Shaftium, Samuel L. MUTHAFUCKIN Jacksonium and Boron.
• Black Jesus once stole a birthday and sold it on Ebay for $42.
• Black Jesus is known to have written all lyrics for both 2pac and Biggie Smalls. These lyrics was only edited by Shakil O'Neal and a random deer.
• Black Jesus turned Kool-Aid into malt liquor.
• Black Jesus created the left-handed noseflute.

Black Jesus is Michael Jackson?

• Black Jesus holds the world record for most illegitimate children of a non-rapper or non-athlete.
• Black Jesus is said to be "down" with His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, going so far as to tag-team with him during the famous Rage in the Cage against L. Ron Hubbard and Abraham Lincoln.
• Black Jesus was a founding member of The Jesus Squad best known for helping the Squad 'Black it up' during their earlier career. yah boy ythis is the shit i am dizown with the brizowns and blizacks so hell yeah Black Jesus pride..
• Resurrected Hayao Miyazaki in 2000 with a holified' chicken wing and forty.
• Contrary to popular belief, Black Jesus and George W. Bush have brunch the second Sunday of every month.
• Like most Black people, Black Jesus was only born because God "thought condoms killed the feeling". He was also born outta wedlock.
• Black Jesus released a hit single in the seventies simply called "Black Jesus." The lyrics of the chorus are as follows: Black Jesus/ I rose from the dead/ to get in bed/ with you
• Also an avid supporter of AA. "Them niggas got me out sum deep shit!"
• Black Jesus Turned 20 barrels of water into Kool-Aid
• Black Jesus feed the entire population of Nigeria with 1 Bucket of KFC chicken... extra crispy
• Black Jesus has his posse back in the day, there were 12 of them called the disciples also known as D12.

[edit] Other blacks of historical importance

Black Jesus often wore no shirt so that he could impress the ladies.

• Black Santa
• Fat Albert
• Nigga who stole my bike
• Martin Luther
• Martin Luther King
• Larry King
• King Kong
• Donkey Kong
• Diddy Kong
• P. Diddy
• J.P. Morgan
• Morgan Freeman
• Morgan Fairchild
• Julia Childs
• Julia Louis-Dreyfus
• Richard Dreyfus
• Michael Richards
• Calvin and Hobbes
• Bob Saget
• Dave Chappelle
• Malcolm X (Malcolm 10 in Arabic numbers)
• Blackpool
• Black Hole
• Darth Vader
• Wayne Brady
• Black Satan
• Venom
• Black Sabbath
• Eminem

[edit] Black Jesus: The Hobo

Black Jesus, aside from being the savior of all mankind, is also the pseudonym of a hobo in Chapel Hill, NC. Our savior BJ has threatened to rip out the spine of the homeless man BJ, but cannot afford the price of an integrated plane ticket. Please donate to Bj's cause (I thought this meant somthin else).

[edit] See also

• Second Coming of Black Jesus

[edit] External Links

Temple of Black Jesus