Black Metal
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The Prince of Darkness — the ultimate purveyor of all things wicked, vile, and malevolent — has personally reviewed this article. The submitter and all subsequent editors are damned to eternal torment in hellfire.
Considering selling your soul? For great rates call 666.
Everything about this article is evil, the author is evil, the computer used is evil, and now you are evil. Go get a frickin shark and put a frickin lazer beam on its frickin head!
“Um ... I'm sure this would be terribly blasphemous and all, um, if I could, like, understand what they're saying ...”
~ God on Black Metal
“Disturbing.”
~ Lucifer on Black Metal
Black metal (or BM) is modern art of disturbing neighbours. Black metal should not be confused with Negroes or Africans playing heavy metal, such as Jimi Hendrix or Living Colour; everyone knows those musicians rock, but that Black Metal is for pathetic teenagers who hate their fathers and those distinguished individuals that truly follow the left hand path. The two are rather hard to tell apart but go up to the wrong one and hurl insults and receive an offering of cold steel thrust into your chestplate.
The four ultimate purposes of Black Metal are: deafening the whole population of earth (including humans, roadies, dogs and lizards), legalizing murder in Norway, the country with the lowest murder rate in the world, overthrowing today's fashion scene by introducing all-season, barbed-wire-coated, spiked and uncomfortable clothing and desecrating Christian symbols in favor of overly esoteric and confusing theories about the eternal mysteries of Satan. We get it, your dad made you go to church as a kid; can you please forget the Black Metal and get another hobby now? Jesus, you guys are tedious...
Black Metal is currently the only known reason Swedes are letting Norwegians exist.
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[edit] Origins
Black metal was formed in the spiritual black dimension of infernal wrath and terror within the yawning abyss of madness under the black mark of hell beneath the sevenfold eye by Satan himself when he summoned the venom of mayhem to unleash possession upon the pagan megalith of the panzergod of hellfire To Mega Therion. So yeah, it's evil. Lying dormant for centuries, it was found on the plains of Gorgoroth under the mountain of doom by a crusader named Quorthon in 1349 AD, who was then converted to Pure Evil Viking by the sheer metalness of it. He then changed his name to Hammerheart and rode to Asa Bay, causing much blood fire and death to some Christian insurgents. He went on to form the first black metal music horde, I Will Fucking Kill Everyone. (Coincidentally, this unleashed the first wave of the black plague across Norway in that same year.) He finally died in a mosh pit with sword in hand like a true warrior, then crossed into Valhalla. It is argued to this day that true black metal died with him...
Then in 1990, the "second wave" of black plague noise was started by a bunch of kids who thought they were descendants of Quorthon, and sought to re-awaken his religion of chaos and destruction and re-discover the true source of the eternal black flame. Eventually they all ended up in jail for arson, murder, indecent exposure and causing peoples ears to spontaneously combust, but a "third wave" of kiddies then sought to re-awaken the second wave, hoping to eventually summon the Capitarmageddon (word made up by 3rd wave band Wolven Ancestry, making up words is grim as fuck).
Black metal has received a bad reputation because many of the bands in the genre support replacing traditional Judeo-Christian culture with Norse Paganism. The reason many bands feel ancient Paganism is the true religion, and a good explanation for there actions, is that in Norse mythology the people of Earth were separated from the Gods by a rainbow bridge not unlike the one used by the Care Bears. While this may seem like a strange connection, many Black Metal artists ended up with severe mental disorders because they were not able to, as children, receive Care Bear Dolls the Christmas season they were the hot toy. It is a logical conclusion that they would reject the Christian tradition of Christmas and prefer to bring back the Norse Paganism that connects them to their loveable Care Bears.
[edit] Black Metal of Today
Black metal of today is full of little poser kids who moan about Immortal and Emperor being posers whilst they listen to Darkthrone and Burzum. The other half of the black metal scene consists of old people whining about all those kids whilst they still enjoy Burzum and old Bathory. They totally support the burning of churches because Varg did it. These people download every new release that gets tagged "tr00 kvlt" on Last.fm the minute it comes out then upload it onto Soulseek, then never listen to it and claim: I like their old stuff for their values and I listen to their new stuff merely for enjoyment. They never listen to anything new, or else people might make fun of them. Listening to only old albums is so cool! It's totally black metal! Therefore, they continue to be pussies and only listen to what others say. How metal and non-conformist!
Black metal is for people who hate music. Every band sucks. If you say you like a band, you're a poser. If you ever hear a band mentioned, tell everyone that they suck. Make it sound like you're too knowledgeable to stoop to other peoples level of talking about bands, because as soon as you've heard of them, they have automatically sold out. Being elitist is totally Black Metal. Accuse people of "name dropping" whilst you shamelessly promote your one-man ambient drone noise suicidal shoegaze NSBM sideprojekt that you recorded between eating Doritos and wanking to pictures of Eva Braun.
[edit] How to tell Black metal from Death metal
Think the two genres are just bloodthirstingly, deafeningly the same? Well, almost. The vokills in a Death Metal band usually sound like some sort of cute animal being drowned in a bucket of ammonia. Black metal vokulls sound like Satan raping an ocelot in the forests of Carpathia. Death Metallers are all serial killers, and write all their lyrics using medical dictionaries, while Black Metallers are mass murderers and take all their themes from books supporting genocide of humanity. This is why they always wear Corpse Paint. The ones who don't are merely the self respecting musicians within the genre. The rest bathe in their own faeces.
Unlike some metal genres, black metal is all about embracing your heritage rather than rejecting it, so if you live in Alabama you should sing about the very very very northern frozen icy fjords of Norway. If you're from Norway, you should make up something completely random like the very very very northern frozen icy Kingdom of Blashyrkh, Mighty Ravendark. And if you're Dani Filth, you should sing about fellating Lovecraft in the back of a Hot Topic while being sodomized by hermaphoditic succubi with your balls in a vice.
[edit] National Socialist Black Metal
Instead of worshiping Satan NSBMers usually worship Hitler or Odin. You can recognise a NSBM band if
- They have Hitler or a swastika on their cover
- If they have a Hitler inflatable doll with them
- If they suffer an erection when the name of Hitler is mentioned
- If you use the term Aryan although your hair is dyed black and your eyes are browner than shit
- If they speak monosyllabic ramblings about dicks and Hitler's taint
- When you claim that your Christian grandfather is Pagan, and that pagan means Nazism....
- Also all NSBmers are actually jewish, they are just scared to face the facts and believe they are tr00 kvlt.
[edit] Black Metal Ist Krap
How to make Black Metal:
Having band members is entirely optional. You could form a solo project and create suicidal black metal about how lonely and depressed you are. Even better, have no members whatsoever in your band and release albums that don't exist.
Get yourselves some cool names - maybe steal them from someone elses song titles, or pets, or failing that, something that sounds cold with a couple of 'oths' for best effect. Note : If you find a cooler Nickname than the previous nickname...Officialise it till you find a cooler nickname. Alternatively, you can use the words for "Death" or "Hate" in a foreign language.
Make the most simple guitar riff you can come up within an hour of fucking around, remember it - you'll be playing it for a while, so invent something that won't strain your hand, and will still allow you to manually stimulate your pet goat after the gig. Do keep in mind that melodies are for emo fags. Use nothing but tremolo riffs or your face will be eaten by Marduk. Don't even bother with a rhythm guitar; your bathroom sink, when turned on full blast, will compensate for the lack of one. Hammer as quickly as possible on a drum-kit; in a pinch, tape-record a jackhammer and use that sound. (This can be more technical than the guitar.) Use an old bass and repeat the same riff throughout your entire album. Record it on tape with your dads old barely-functional tape recorder.
Make up your album title from three random evil/angry words. Best examples from Black Metals motherland: Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Death Cult Armageddon, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Godless Savage Garden, Enthrone Darkness Triumphant,In Sorte Diaboli, etc. (All by Dimmu Borgir - the tr00 masters ov black metal album titles!) Put it all together and you have your first demo!
Make tons of split albums with the most unknown black metal bands you can find. This proves to the listeners that you are too poor to make a full length album, and therefore KVLT AS FVCK!!!
For your album cover, simply take the crappiest camera you can find in your grandfather's attic, go out to the frozen middle of nowhere in the middle of the night in full corpsepaint, leather gimp suits, chains, armbands with 10-inch carpentry nails sticking in every direction, upside-down crosses made of human femurs, and a good splash of goat's blood on your person. Some medieval-looking weapons are good too. And skulls, LOTS of skulls. Start acting like a troll and jumping around in trees looking constipated. Take some pictures of this and voila, you have the ultimate Black Metal cover art. (If you make a video, use this exact same template.) If you decide you're too lazy to do all this, some Satanic artwork will do as long as it totally reeks of mysticism and might.
On your liner notes, make everything sound EXTREME. For example, instead of saying that so-and-so plays drums, says he fires the infernal war artillery, vocals are "throat", "pagan grunts" or "blasphemic puking of vocal Armageddon", guitar is known as "chainsaw" and bass "4 strings of the Apocalypse". When you say what equipment your band uses, say they "totally annihilate" them, and instead of saying "this album was recorded in 2008", say "this abomination was infernally necrospawned from the pandemonic womb of Sathanas in anno MMVIII". Your album should remind people of how evil you are no less than 666 times a second. You could also make everything sound self-deprecating, like "this noise was vomited forth from the smelly cunt ov Baphomet" or include songs that are nothing but the lead singer urinating. And remember, you play Black Metal for the message, NEVER because of the image.
If you decide to do a live gig, remember to wear "corpse paint" that was trite when KISS did it in 1977 and is even tackier today. You could kill a few animals on stage, stick the carcasses on pointy things, nail some people to crosses, and try to draw peoples attention away for your nonexistant musical talent and get them angry. Try as hard as you can to get banned from every country you visit. Pass out razorblades to all the crowd members, like Shining do. No fake blood at a true black metal gig.
Kill yourself, leaving a humorous goodbye note, that could possibly be used in a later song by the rest of the surviving members if they discover it before their stabbing contest.
Use your Tri-tones kids!
And most importantly: Take yourself far too seriously!
Have fun!
[edit] Spelling and Diction in Black Metal
How To sound necro:
- 1) Make everything look like Norwegian. For example don't say Black Metal when you can say Blækk Mettal
- 2) Add senseless adjectives: Why say Blak Metal when you can say Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
- 3) Use the words tru, grim, necro and fuck as gratutiously as possible. Why say Norsk Arisk Blak Metal when you can say Fucking Tru and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal?
- 4) Actually, the best thing still is to simply add as many senseless adjectives as possible: Why say Fucking Tr00 and Kvlt Grim Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal when you can say Fvkking Tr00 and Kvlt Grymm Anti-Cosmic Frostbitten Hatefvl Kold Pvre Elitist Br00tal Satanic Wrathful Depressive Icecold Norwegian Raw Holocaustic Pagan National-Socialist Suicidal Blasphemic Panzerkrieg Orthodox Hellfyred Goat'n'rolling Mysanthropik Hyperspeed Dunkel Diabolikal Genocidal Apocalyptic Goat-Worshipping Fistfvkking Christraping Germansk Hedensk Necro Hellnorsk Arysk Svarte Blækk Mætalle DEATHWORSHIP????
[edit] How to write Black lyrics
The main keyword to write blak grim kvlt necro lyrics is : Christ killing,child raping, goat shagging non pagan whore: This would actually be said as :ARGHHHHHHH RGGRRHRHRRHRHRHR:. This is just the basic text. True talents add more words to the text like : 'satan' or 'blood' or 'raaah'. Some true geniuses add random German words (example : 'Black Metal ist krieg'). It's important to know where to stop. You shouldn't add too many words to the basic text, because that's too mainstream and not kvlt at all. After you have the basic structure of your song, place the text into an online translator and translate it to Norwegian. Then translate the translated text back into English. Give the song a name in German. Throw in some random Latin phrases and quotes by famous Satanists. The finished product should be in the LANGUAGE OF THE BEAST! And that makes it ultra-hardcore.
[edit] Can I play Black Metal?
This question has a lot of paths. First of all, it is not necessary to know how to play guitar, it is not necessary to know how to play the bass or even the drums, and it is not necessary to know how to sing, because the only sounds that you need you can find in the washroom when you have been eating tacos or burritos with chili.
If in doubt, just take to recording with an entire symphony orchestra so nobody notices just how bad you really are. As long as its "atmospheric", all the kids will run to their computers and download it 3 months before it comes out. Of course they will never hear the final mix, so they will forever believe your band to be "raw as fuck" and believe themselves to be grim and necro for listening to it.
If you don't know how to behave in the real underground Black Metal-scene, just make sure you stick to the 101 rules for Black Metal. You can find them under this trve fucking norsk arisk black metal link: http://www.monmouth.com/~hgreen/writing/101bm.html
[edit] See also
- Grand Theft Auto: Norway
- Dimmu Borgir
- Tr00
- Varg Vikernes
- Mayhem
- Liberal Democrat black metal
- Euronymous
Categories: Satan Approved | Music | Religion | Metal
