Wesley Snipes
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[edit] Free Wesley Snipes Petition
http://www.petitiononline.com/FreeWes/petition.html To: The President of the United States of America Free Wesley Snipes Wesley Snipes was sentenced to a maximum of three years in federal prison for three misdemeanor convictions of failure to file his income taxes. We the undersigned demand his immediate release.
Sincerely,
The Undersigned
“Snipes imitates Lee, far more than Lee imitates Snipes”
~ Oscar Wilde on Wesley Snipes
“That depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is.”
~ Bill Clinton on making a simple question difficult
“Pay ya damn taxes, bitch”
~ IRS on Wesley Snipes
Wesley Jackrabbit Snipes (born July 30,1961 in Cambridge, England) is the son of a Kenyan immigrant father and Dame Judy Dench. He is best known for his work with the Illuminati, receiving membership applications on behalf of the organisation. He is not however a member of the organisation, but due to his lack of steady employment is forced to act as an administrator for the organisation to support himself and his two children.
[edit] Early life
For the ten years following his birth, Wesley was cared for and experimented on by academic staff in a laboratory at Cambridge University in which his father (Paul Mokeebo Snipes) was Professor of Immunology. Due to the experiments, Snipes was immunized against many diseases, situations and objects, the most notable of which are bullets,bird flu and embarrassing silences. Due to Wesley's darkness and the lights accidentally being turned off, Snipes Snr went back to experimenting onmuppets. At the age of 22 he was voted the blackest person in the world for the third time, beating out G'd up Dr. Dre, and MOTHERFUCKING Samuel L. Blackson. He has also won the "Biggest, Baddest, Blackest Motherfucker That The World Has Ever Seen"
Snipes, at age 10 sought employment as a Bruce Lee impersonator/street performer on campus, rising to instant fame, appearing on every cereal box produced in Europe in the whole of 1971 (as Bruce Lee). Snipes ticket to stardom was quickly revoked, as Lee commenced legal action, hiring kung fu lawyers. The outcome of the lawsuit was for Snipes to pay Lee royalties for every cereal box produced in 1971 with his image. This was the beginning of Snipes' life of poverty, as all his future endeavours would be to pay back Bruce Lee.
[edit] Film Career
Snipes faded from the public view until thirties, when a documentary focusing on the lives of the homeless discovered him in Detroit. The documentary (a 12 part TV series) was directed by Michael Moore and was entitled "Bowling for Soup Kitchens". Also, the Blade Trilogy has recently been revealed as real events shot on home video They just happened to turn out to look like real movie film. It was also later discovered that vampires aren't real, and Wesley Snipes actually murdered a fuck-ton of people. Or so people thought, until it transpired that 2nd-Gen Vampire Ninja were present in the movie. But the Jedi Council voted 1-9(Samuel Latrice Mace Windu Jackson's single vote counted as 42,456 votes) that Blade is badass, and if vampires were real then he would have killed them, so he's cool in their 'book'.
Snipes also had a role in MC Hammer's music video Too Legit to Quit Playing MC Hammer, who didn't expect to have to shoot another music video after his Nobel Physics Prize winning song - Can't touch this. Snipes was paid $17 for this role, and spent the money on his first restaurant meal in over two decades. He ordered minestrone and had chocolate ice-cream for dessert.
[edit] Post-Film Career
in 2005 Snipes attempted to write and star in a sequel to A Very Blade Christmas, entitled simply Blade 3. The movie however exceeded his budget of $1.20 (his change saved from his meal back in 2000). Fortunately for snipes, he discovered a reel of film while searching for food in a landfill. He released this film (Originally called Oceans 13) as Blade 3. Snipes was able to profit from Blade 3 enough to afford rent in a small apartment in Budapest, Hungary where he currently lives and works for the Illuminati.
Wesley Snipes was contracted by Namco (creators of the Tekken video game franchise) to model as the basis of new character Raven. Wesley Snipes refused the offer, and killed most of the Namco personnel. Fortunately, Namco was able to capture the video of the slaughter on security camera, and used this to create the character Raven.
Fun Fact: Raven is the best character in Tekken 5, however Wesley Snipes revealed in a recent "17" magazine article that he always plays as that fucking bear.
[edit] Personal Life
During the filming of Too Legit to Quit, Snipes had a sexual encounter with one of the parachute pants dancers, resulting in a pregnancy. The dancer. Naomi Lanarof gave birth to twins Gary and WetWipes who Snipes gained custody of. Snipes commented on the lengthy custody battle in 2005 " It was tough, I'm just glad that Gary and WetWipes can be Snipeseses. They belong here in Budapest with me" .
[edit] Future of Snipes
Snipes is also involved in a Multi-Level Marketing cocaine smuggling scheme with Icelandic film star Dusty Snipes. In 1986, as an extra during the filming of Miami Vice, Snipes (playing a homosexual ski boat operator) met Dusty Snipes who was the episode coke runner. In real life, Dusty Snipes actually was a known cocaine addict with the nick-name "Snow Shovel". Dusty and Snipes go way back, successfully starring together in Passenger 57, Too Wong Fu, and Passenger 57. Today, while Snipes is serving his prison sentence for tax loving, the Multi-Level Marketing scheme involves distributing cocaine through Pre-Paid legal services in the Vietnamese-American empire.
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