Blink-182
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“I want to fuck THEM in the ass.”
~ Oscar Wilde on blink-182
blink-182 is a band hailing from Awsomeness. When they first made the band, they were a group of awsome man whores who sucked dick for a living (though still enjoy it frequently). They are known for their antiobscene lyrics and are actually a group of Nuns. They smuggle Grape Juice to their concerts and use the profits to help fund "Save The Cookies", "Chickens Are People Too", "Help Us Buy A New Car Engine" and "Clouds have feelings too, ban the plane!" fundraisers. They also own the 'Shave Mark's Balls' Program. Their entire discography consists of songs about dicks and blowjobs, except for one song which is about suicide.
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[edit] Biography
[edit] Early career
They were discovered, though, by chicken farmer Rick Rubin who immediately cooked a record contract and they went into a studio to record. They recorded an EP, Fly *shudder*, though the quality was crap, as it was recorded through the drummer's braces. Their first album, "Boo!" "Daaargh!" was done in a proper recording studio, a garage, and the third stomach of a cow named Lenard (because it had good acoustics). The band members were to stoned to notice. This sold 666 666 666 copies, and they decided that the previous records "wouldn't exist". Sadly their original drummer died in a freak accident involving a cookie and Green Day album Dookie. So they got a new drummer who gives himself money to suck his own penis. They soon found out that he was cooler than the other members, and could dance really good. Anyways, they recorded their first record Chest Hair Cats and sold 666,666,666 copies and made them superstars. They then embarked on a ground breaking, grueling seven hundred date world tour. Their second album DUDE (eat) Branch sold 666,666,666 copies, resulting in another tour. All of Green Day songs, are actually just old blink-182 songs sung backwards in Yiddish with a cat screaming obscenities in the background. Their next album, Enema of My Grandpa, got them real famous, and went platinum 666,666,666 times. For some reason, that made them think they were pretty good. Obviously, they were wrong, but we didn't tell them that. They went on tour again, of course. And this time was big. They moved from several local garages to some actual living rooms. Thats right, living rooms. Then they went straight back to recording. Though Green Day had a surprise for them. They left shaved pubic hairs on the microphone. blink-182 took this as inspiration, and made their next album, Take Off Your Pants And Jack It Up My Ass. It had several hidden tracks on it. One was hiding in a cave, another was hiding in a hole in the ground (and when it was eventually found, it had strange facial hairs), And one was also unsurprisingly found in Tom's ass alongside 666,666,666 condoms. This resulted in a new world record. The rest are yet to be found. Followed by another tour, with side bands that upstaged them. Though, they got real stages, it was mainly because of Markus' excruciatingly bad body odor, and they didn't want people to be able to smell it easily. This plan failed, though they kept using the stages. In 2003 Blink released their self titled album, named Green Day. They were quickly sued. In 2005, they went on Indefinite Haiti. Sadly, nobody knows what the hell that means. We have reason to believe it is somehow linked to Iraq. One day when Bam Margera was at Tom's house, Bam farted very loudly and they both had a good laugh. But When The Laughing was over, Tom Choked on Bam's fart and went to the hospital for 20 trillion lightyears. After he was released, he commented " I just shat out a fuckin' quarter,ate it and shat it out again! ." After their untitled album was released they only sold 666 copies and broke up, (not only from the band but from the sweaty bum sex they did every friday)
[edit] Military service
Blink-182 served aboard the last German submarine, named Blink-183 in honor of the crusading celebrities, to enter Alaskan waters before the Alaskan Protection Treaty of 1973.
The entry of Blink-182 ended the German-Alaskan War and brought an end to the pointless persecution of millions of enslaved Alaskans. They were released and each given a Burger Kings' Angus Meal by the German government. Blink-182 was named after its German creator Gorgof Blink. It was his 182nd submarine ever created, and the first one to actually work. Just before it reached Alaska, Blink-182 was punctured by scraping into a piece of the missing city of Atlantis lying on the Ocean floor and sank. Alaskans won the war without winning one battle thanks to Gorgof Blink and his crappy submarines. The Angus Meals tasted really good, though. "They like to fell chicken bones while sleeping," stated by pPoopstein. They are the greatest band in the world and your mom has a hot twat.
[edit] Morethansex
Blink-182 are masters of the "sex" movement. The sex movement surfaced in the early 19th century, and continues on to this day. It experienced a resurge in the late 90s from the advent of punkpop and emo bands. These bands preached sexing as members of other groups such as pornstars, but not really caring about that group's feelings or need for commitment. The sex movement is not as strong today as it was a few years ago, but it will probably resurface soon. They do not play their own instruments or write their own songs. Despite these setbacks, they are the greatest and most amazing and sexy band ever made.
[edit] Burgers and Tramps
The crew of Blink-182 started up a fast food chain as a result of the Happy Meal Adventure. Don't ask!!! Along with venture capitalist Obi Wan Kenobi, they established chains in many major cities such as New Orleans, Paris and Birdies living room, making them three dollars and a few cents. The Canadian government saw this as an attempt to control the city of Atlantis, and sent each member (including leader Christina Aguilera) to Azkaban, where they would rot for eternity. It has resurfaced.
[edit] Breakup
In 2003, Blink 182 told their lifelong partner Rick Rubin it just wouldn't work out anymore, and they broke up.one possible cause of this was probably Tom's self testical removal, making it impossible for him to truly feel pleasure when he was with Rick. Tom started a new band called Angels and Airwaves, and they recorded an album called No Need To Whisper(at this point he had removed his penis as well to be replaced by nothing) which was recorded in France. Mark has since then started a band with Travis (and two other randoms), called +44. The very popular rap group has produced one song off of their album, When Your Heart Stops Beating. Since the breakup, there has been a huge void in the music industry, as now there is no group to make album after album of brillian joke songs. There also exists a certain theory stating that all the band became emo and they decided to part because they couldn't hold how depressed they were. But then, it has no evidence of it happening.
[edit] Vast Uncontrollable Swearing from the Mouth
Also known as the chronic disease of VUSM. This band had it bad, as do many other bands who decide to impress the innocent youth with foul language and implications. Though many people do not know it, all of blink 182's songs are about oral and anal sex except for two which are about suicide (rollercoaster, adams song) and one is about divorce (Stay Together for the Kids).
[edit] Members
- Tom De'longe - Chief credit taker
- Marcus Hoppus - Bass, Use Me fan, supposed funny guy
- Travis Barker - Drums, Lead dancer, son of Bob Barker
- Mr. Invisible - pianist, DJ, bass, vocals, drums, guitar, dancer, keyboard, flute, bongo drums, (too bad no one can see him play so he never gets any credit for his work...)
- The other guy that no one can see - Second guitar on live album that "isn't there"
- Some hobo they picked up from the street
