Blofeld
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Blofeld is an infamous slap-headed scar faced villain, noted for his rivalry with James Bond.
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[edit] Early Life
Maxwell Ernest Stravo Blofeld, known to James Bond as Ernsht Shtavro Blofeld (not to be confused with blowjob), was born on an Antarctic research boat in 1904. Unusual for his day and age was that his parents were both Eskimo men, as all the women aboard had succumbed to vicious laser shark attacks (an event which was paid homage to in Austin Powers. Naturally they got the facts mixed up).
Since his father possessed no vagina, Maxwell was forced to claw his way out through his father's large intestines. (It is unknown at this time how his father became pregnant in the first place. Blame the aliens.)
He might have died right there on that harsh frozen sea, had he not been picked up by Darth Hitler, who proceeded to raise the boy.
Controversial in death as he was in life, Mark Twain has been seriously accused by some of being a "racist writer," whose writing is offensive to black readers, perpetuates cheap slave-era stereotypes, and deserves no place on today's bookshelves. To those of us who have drunk gratefully of Twain's wisdom and humanity, such accusations are ludicrous. But for some people they clearly touch a raw nerve, and for that reason they deserve a serious answer. Let's look at the book that is most commonly singled out for this criticism, the novel that Ernest Hemingway identified as the source of all American literature: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.
For Twain's critics, the novel is racist on the face of it, and for the most obvious reason: many characters use the word "nigger" throughout. But since the action of the book takes place in the south twenty years before the Civil War, it would be amazing if they didn't use that word.
A closer reading also reveals Twain's serious satiric intent. In one scene, for instance, Aunt Sally hears of a steamboat explosion.
"Good gracious! anybody hurt?" she asks.
"No'm," comes the answer. "Killed a nigger."
But anyone who imagines that Mark Twain meant this literally is missing the point. Rather, Twain is using this casual dialogue ironically, as a way to underscore the chilling truth about the old south, that it was a society where perfectly "nice" people didn't consider the death of a black person worth their notice. To drive the point home, Twain has the lady continue:
"Well, it's lucky, because sometimes people do get hurt."
That's a small case in point. But what is the book really about? It's about nothing less than freedom and the quest for freedom. It's about a slave who breaks the law and risks his life to win his freedom and be reunited with his family, and a white boy who becomes his friend and helps him escape. Because of his upbringing, the boy starts out believing that slavery is part of the natural order; but as the story unfolds he wrestles with his conscience, and when the crucial moment comes he decides he will be damned to the flames of hell rather than betray his black friend. And Jim, as Twain presents him, is hardly a caricature. Rather, he is the moral center of the book, a man of courage and nobility, who risks his freedom -- risks his life -- for the sake of his friend Huck.
Note, too, that it is not just white critics who make this point. Booker T. Washington noted how Twain "succeeded in making his readers feel a genuine respect for 'Jim,'" and pointed out that Twain, in creating Jim's character, had "exhibited his sympathy and interest in the masses of the negro people."
The great black novelist Ralph Ellison, too, noted how Twain allows Jim's "dignity and human capacity" to emerge in the novel.
"Huckleberry Finn knew, as did Mark Twain [Ellison wrote], that Jim was not only a slave but a human being [and] a symbol of humanity . . . and in freeing Jim, Huck makes a bid to free himself of the conventionalized evil taken for civilization by the town" -- in other words, of the abomination of slavery itself.
In fact, you can search through all of Twain's writings, not just the thirty-plus volumes of novels, stories, essays, and letters, but also his private correspondence, his posthumous autobiography and his intimate journals, and you'll be hard put to find a derogatory remark about the black race -- and this at a time when crude racial stereotypes were the basic coin of popular fiction, stage comedy, and popular songs. What you find in Twain is the opposite: a lively affection and admiration for black Americans that began when he was still a boy and grew steadily through the years. In a widely praised post-Civil War sketch titled "A True Story," for example, he wrenchingly evoked the pain of an ex-slave as she recalls being separated from her young son on the auction block, and her joy at discovering him in a black regiment at war's end.
And on those occasions when Twain does venture to compare blacks and whites, the comparison is not conspicuously flattering to the whites. Things like:
"One of my theories is that the hearts of men are about alike, all over the world, whatever their skin-complexions may be."
"Nearly all black and brown skins are beautiful, but a beautiful white skin is rare."
"There are many humorous things in the world; among them is the white man's notion that he is less savage than all the other savages."
Mark Twain a "racist"! Isn't it about time we put this ridiculous notion to rest? -- Peter Salwen
[edit] During World War II
Blofeld was a staunch supporter of his adoptive father during the Second World War. He devoted all of his considerable intellect to the Imperial-Nazi cause. He conducted hundreds of horrific genetic and robotic experiments, creating some of the most evil beasts in the universe, including ewoks, C-3PO, and Jar Jar Binks. After the destruction of the Death Star by an elite British squadron of agents, and his father's subsequent breakdown, Blofeld adopted his father's apathetic attitude and abandoned the war effort, disappearing into anonymity for several years...
[edit] Conflict with Bond
Blofeld spent the next fifteen years ammassing an enormous fortune to fund his insatiable hunger for expensive pastries.It was on a routine trip to one of his contraband spy equipment suppliers, Q, that he first heard of James Bond. Intrigued, he decided to observe Bond from afar. His extreme masculinity yet suave, debonair manner coupled with a Scottish accent awoke Blofeld's latent homosexual urges, and he would spend the greater part of two decades trying to make Bond feel the same way.
Feeling he could never measure up in terms of physically to Bond due to his eggish head and figure, slight stutter, spindly arms, and lack of a penis(see below) Blofeld tried for several years to manipulate Bond into coming to him. After Bond repeatedly eluding him Blofeld gathered the courage to meet him face to face. However, when they finally did Blofeld lacked the courage to tell Bond the truth, adopting an over-the-top, egocentric, maniacal personality to try and make up for his inadequacies. Unfortunately the normally-perceptive Bond failed to see through this ruse, and took Blofeld to truly be a one-dimensional evil genius.
Mistaking Bond's reaction for affection, Blofeld kept the personality and used it for years, never once revealing his true emotions. He proceeded to have a series of escapades with Bond, each time almost gathering the courage to tell Bond and then getting cold feet. When Bond was not in his immediate presence, however, he was not inhibited by this maniac personality and often made truly sinister devices, even lying down the basis for what would one day become the monster known as Microsoft. He also often tried, unsuccessfully, to find a substitute for Bond, most notably in an affair with fellow supervillain Goldfinger.
Eventually Blofeld and Bond were locked into a final showdown: seconds before Blofeld was going to finally reveal himself, his creation from World War 2 and faithful butler, Nazi C3-PO, burst into the room declaring his love for his master. When Blofeld refused to acknowledge his love C-3PO's circuits overloaded and he self-destructed, killing both Blofeld and Bond with him.
[edit] Currently
In the year 2004, Blofeld was cloned twice from a fragment of his penis, which had been cryogenically frozen after he had it surgically removed to keep from distracting him from his work. The clones aged at a super-fast rate, and had no recollection of their origins. Lacking the twisted upbringing of Darth Hitler the clones were free to start a new life, and yet Blofeld's evil still presented itself in their genes. Who are the clones, you ask? You know them as Dr. Phil and Lex Luthor.
[edit] Film Portrayals
Blofeld has been portrayed on screen by four different individuals:
| Image | Year | Film series | Actor/Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| [[[[Image:|105px]] | 1963 | From Russia with Love | Douglas Rain In Rain's first appearance as Blofeld, only his hands and back of the head are shown. In the credits, the actor is labelled as a question mark. |
| 1965 | Thunderball | Douglas Rain Again, only hands are shown in this appearance. |
| 1967 | You Only Live Twice | Donald Pleasence |
| 1969 | On Her Majesty's Secret Service | Yul Brynner |
| 1971 | Diamonds Are Forever | Barry Nelson |
