Blonde
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Blonde, or Blond , is a hair color found among both males and females of the human species. Like the colorful feathers on the male peacock, an overly light color of a human's hair indicates that the subject is especially well-suited to s3XX0r with. This is due to the unusual properties of blonde hair. The head hair of a natural blonde actually penetrates the skull, venting excess electrical signals from the brain. Without these spurious signals, the blonde-headed person is much more likely to see the wisdom of responding to the natural mating calls of the male of the human species, including Your place or mine?, Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!, or Nice Shoes. Wanna fuck?
Blonde is also a term for severe mental retardation. This is found in many people of "certain" haircolors and sadly, hair dye does not cure it. the victim will be thrown into the butt of all jokes, and will also accumulate strange temptations while reading directions that state things not meant to be taken literally. Such as in geometry if a blonde was asked to find "X", they would simply circle the the large X next to the problem. But it just so happens that a lot of brunettes happen to get very jealous of blondes because 1)they, like, have more fun 2) like they are so totally better looking 3)like they just so happen to have guys bow down to us when we walk past them 4) like they created our own super hot and cool lingo like "like" and "shut up" when nobody says anything.
Blondes drink a lot of Vodka. And I mean a lot. Like more than Russians, and they practically bathe in the stuff. No one ever says anything about this though, as hilarity often ensues.
Darwinian selection has helped ensure that this hair color is only naturally present in a small percentage of humans, striking a delicate balance between utter sexual boredom and rampant overpopulation. Modern science, however, has allowed mankind to throw off his, I mean, her genetic shackles. Potent chemicals, including volatile hydrogen compounds, have the ability to mimic the blonde's natural brain-ventilation mechanisms, with the effect that even fat brunettes can get laid. Fortunately, the negative Darwinian side effects are cancelled out by inventions such as the birth control pill, liposuction, and Internet porn.
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[edit] Definition of a Dumb Blonde
Blondes tend to be lacking intelligence or good judgment; blonde; stupid; blonde; dull-witted; blonde; and having light to a darkish yellow hair colour.
Dumb blonde: While she is attractive and popular, she lacks both common street-sense and academic intelligence, often to a comedic level. Blondes are usually portrayed as promiscuous and self-absorbed.
Blonde is sometimes used to describe a severe genetic dysfunction that affects logical thinking (for those of you who have blonde, it means don't be a dumbass)
... and yes panna, you are blonde, sorry.
[edit] Just some facts to start off with
new research has found that it was cavemen who were the first to be lured by golden locks. According to the study, north European women evolved blonde hair and blue eyes at the end of the Ice Age to make them stand out from their rivals(brunettes)at a time of fierce competition for scarce males.~ And we all know those Scandinavians are into some crazy stuff. I mean really crazy.
The study argues that blond hair originated in the region because of food shortages 10,000-11,000 years ago. Until then, humans had the dark brown hair and dark eyes that still dominate in the rest of the world. Almost the only sustenance in northern Europe came from roaming herds of mammoths, reindeer, bison and horses. Finding them required long, arduous hunting trips in which numerous males died, leading to a high ratio of surviving women to men.
Lighter hair colours, which started as rare mutations, became popular for breeding and numbers increased dramatically, according to the research, published under the aegis of the University of St Andrews.
[edit] Diet
A blonde's diet usually consists of ...nothing or you never see them eat they're just constantly in the bathroom with a finger down their throat. However blondes are able to survive on daily doses of about 3 mililiters of concentrated protein.
[edit] Blonde Pubes
See pornstars; no pubes apparent or black shaved stubbles from true brunettes posing as blondes.
[edit] Crunchies
Crunchies are a species in which a brunette would prefer to be blonde this dying their hair blonde(although in this case it's a more orange-red-yellowy blend bad dye job). These types are naturally idiots, being as stupid as the typical blonde.
[edit] Identifying blondes
Obviously these blondes have 'blonde hair' which can range from a whitish colour to an extremely dark yellow almost brown. You may mistake some red heads or 'gingers' for blonde as some make false statements such as 'I am strawberry blonde'. Woman who try to convince the public that they have strawberry blonde hair are obviously to embarrassed to admit that they have red hair therefore make misleading comments about the colour of their hair. Many people think that having blonde hair is a very common thing BUT generally, about 95% of the woman who claim to have blonde hair are lying and are a red head or brunette who is jealous of a blonde and has died her hair. Why exactly anyone would actually say they had red hair is still not understood (most likely blondes wanting to appear smarter).
Blondes can also be recongnised by there intellectual abilities. They are often considered dumb therefore the phrase 'dumb blonde' came around. They are often described as ditzy air-headed creatures, that like the attention they receive by having blonde hair.As a general statement we could say that they are natural bimbos. You can tell a natural blonde to a fake blonde by asking them a simple 2 digit math problem (7+8,4+3) and depending on their answer catogorize them.
Us brunettes and red heads can also recognize blondes by their beahviour as they are usually gossip queens who have nothing better to do then talk about their so called 'friends', bitch about them and stab them in the back. Most of the time they reconcile over an expensive brunch paid for by their parents.
[edit] Where to find them
Blondes are usually night dwelling creatures who during the day can be seen lazing around but as soon as it gets dark will jump out to the nearest club, dance or party. They can be seen surrounded by members of the opposite sex constantly as really the only thing on their minds is getting laid and then boasting about it to the 'friends'. Many times these blondes are often under the assumption that guys actually want to get to know them and take long walks on the beach. Of those blondes who prefer not to do nothing during the day can usually be found skipping class/work or be at the beach hanging with surfer dudes.
you could also find blondes at the shops spending mountains of money with their credit card and because of their 'intellectual abiliaties' not be noticing that they are spending just about all the money they have. You could find them in some stores such as supre obviously being the store for skanks.
[edit] Facts on blondes
- We have come to a conclusion that they are made of plastic
- Are most likely found in packs roaming the mall with a token "ugly brunette".
- They get depressed when they dont have a boyfriend for a period of time over 2 hours.
- They used many words in inapprpriate places such as: slut,bitch,totally,fugly,byotch,like(on a constant basis), back stabber, shut-up (usually when a person didn't say anything)
- Dyed Blonde hair hides the fact that they are a butterface.
- Most blondes' vocabulary is composed/always limited to 4 phrases: "Like, totally!" "Shut up!" "Like totally shut up!" "OMG: Oh My God!! *atheist version: Oh My Gosh!!"
- Forcing a blonde to read a book will cause her to implode into a massive black hole, hence the begginig of the end of all times, which is why blondes were banned from Amazon.com's book section
- You should never blonde and drive
[edit] Horror
It is October 12, 1998, on a dark and stormy night. A blonde is out at night, driving her car. She runs into a truck, the only other vehicle on the road. The truck's driver makes her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. Her heart pounds in her throat. He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the pavement. He tells her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he goes over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde starts laughing. This makes the man angrier so he smashes her windshield. This time the blonde laughs even harder. Livid, the man brakes all her windows and keys her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
[edit] Comic Fodder
- Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
- Two blondes were standing next to a convertable trying to open it with a wire. a brunette came passed and asked what they were doing. The blonde with the wire replied "I left the keys inside, its starting to rain and the roof is down."
- A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair so she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
- I once saw a blonde so dumb, when she missed the #22 bus, she took the #11 bus twice
[edit] Quotes on blondes
“What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? Not everybody's had sex with a bowling ball!”
~ Oscar Wilde on blondes
“Three blondes walk into a building... well, you think one of them would have noticed it!”
~ Richard Feynman on blondes
“They're not very smart.”
~ Captain Obvious on blondes
“But I'm not a blonde! Or am I? Say, what does my hair look like under this hood? Where am I?”
~ Captain Oblivious on the above
“I completed this puzzle in 51 days when it says 2-5 years”
~ Blonde trying to act intelligent on blondes
“In Soviet Russia, blonde makes jokes about YOU!!'”
~ Russian reversal on blondes
[edit] See also
- Brunettes
- Redheads
- Bombshell: Explosive devices for the follicly impaired.
- Bimbo, the secret organization many blonde females belong to.
- Your Mom, starter of the Revolution and also blonde.
- The Blonde One, for obvious reasons.
- Mysterious Blonde Disease
Note: Impaired does NOT mean for the two of you.
[edit] External resources
- Survey of Blonde mating calls
- Additional research, including rare but documented cases of failed calls
- The Times of London suggests that this article is truer than you thought.
