Blood
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Blood is a slightly salty but infinitely thirst-quenching beverage. It was invented by Nivek Ogre of the musical jazz trio Skinny Puppy. It tastes irony. It can be found in some people's urine. Raygen's blood is blue. He was thought to be the only human to have true blue blood until a fiar dinkum crocodile handler was stung by a ray.
Bathing in it can grant you eternal life (cf. Kool-Aid Man). According to some, so can drinking it (see Jesus Juice).
Blood is also used to dilute alcohol in the human body. The blood to alcohol ratio is usually less than 1%.
It was also believed that for a time Blood was actually Jam, causing the great Jam famine of '89.
Blood is regarded as the ink of choice for businessmen and politicians, usually in the Oil or Defense industries, to sign contracts with other businessmen and politicians.
In some cases, people with Blue Blood can be found, or different colors. It depends on the planet you're from.
Contents |
[edit] Blood types
Actually, this is a lie. Blood cannot type because it is a liquid and simply runs down the cracks in any standard keyboard and cause them to short-circuit by an overload of disgust. If blood really could type, would it not write to defend itself?
The Japanese are totally obsessed with blood types and assign one to very single video game character, even robots. EVEN. ROBOTS.
[edit] Types of blood
There are five main types of blood: Red, Yellow, Blue, Green and Sepia. These are further divided into the subgroups positive, negative, neutral, imaginary and compound. The rarest blood group is Blue negative because it gives the largest mana boost. Also noteworthy is the fact that people with Yellow negative blood can only receive blood transfusions from themselves between the hours of midnight and 2am, and do not love Raymond. Each of these blood types is determined by their Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Factor™ and can only be solved with the mystery decoder ring found within each box!
[edit] Interesting Facts
- While it is of course common knowledge that Mummies and Canadians do not bleed, very few are aware of the fact that they do actually contain blood in their bodies but simply lack the veins to carry it from the heart to the lungs.
- If your body runs out of blood you have a 50% chance of going into Super Saiyan mode where you gain a +2 modifier on all saves and you can only gain nutrition from your own urine. Either that, or drop dead. A risk worth taking, we say!
- Animals are magnetic due to blood's 100% iron content.
- Human blood's chemical composition is closest to seawater. This makes it an excellent ingredient in saltwater taffy.
- Crushed glass tastes a lot like blood.
- The blood of both Hungarians and Germans can be used as a substitute for Vaseline.
- The body of a typical anime character contains about 47 gallons of blood.
