Blue States of America
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The Blue States of America is part of the United States. The Blue States got their name from the people that inhabit it all of whom have bright blue skin and usually walk around nude. The Blue people are well known for their open minds, as this article is testament, polite manners, and uncanny ability to work with opposition leaders to make The United States of America a better place for everyone.
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[edit] History
[edit] 2000 Election: The Blue States Are Born
The Blue States of America came into existence in 2000, when the Blue People forgot to vote. George W. Bush was then elected President(?)of the United States.
The prophecy went on to mention Al Gore as "the anti-Bush and last hope of temporal mankind, without whose defeat the Bush will be given a free hand to wield his reign of terror."
Robert Novak, a Catholic and expert in political prophecies, urged Bush's brother Jebbie (who, by coincidence, happened to be the Governor of Florida) to step in. When the voters of Florida defied the will of God and chose Gore over Dubya, the forces of self-righteousness quickly moved to correct the problem.
"Most of these people are Jews anyway," remarked Pat Robertson, a fundamentalist Christian. "Aren't they banned from voting?"
(sorry to anyone who had to read all that)
Florida Secretary of State the honorable Katherine Harris (who, also by sheer coincidence, was the Chairwoman for the Bush/Cheney campaign in Florida) made sure the election wasn't rigged at all. Seriously ... come on.
Needless to say, the Blue States were pissed. There was all kinds of drama about democracy being lost and the Constitution that had governed the United States for two hundred years being trampled, but in the end most people were distracted enough by their TVs and Play Stations to get over this. It was only the terrosists (who don't have televisions or video games) who simply refused to move on.
In the first four years of the Bush presidency, things really got screwed up. Nine months into his term, the new President was shocked to learn of terrorist attacks that had taken place in New York and in Washington, DC. Given that his national security team had been left extensive briefings by the outgoing Clinton Administration on the threat that Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda posed, the events in the Northeast came as a complete surprise.
For like two weeks in late 2001, the whole Red/Blue thing kind of went away for a minute. Everyone got so worked up by the propaganda and so determined to avenge the country that they forgot, for just a moment, how much they in fact hated each other.
This promptly began to unravel in early 2002, when President Bush started talking about invading Iraq. The Blue States were all like, "Whoa, there, cowboy" and the Red States were like "Yee-haw, let's go kill us some A-Rabs!"
In 2003, the President ordered the U.S. military to to begin strikes on Iraq. Within a week, American forces had occupied Baghdad. Unfortunately, it soon became clear that W. had lied through his teeth to get the war started, and that made some Democrats very angry. That he might distract the people from what a deceitful little shrew he was, President Bush prematurely declared the Iraq conflict a "Mission Accomplished"--one month into a war that has now lasted for nearly four years. What a dumbass.
[edit] 2004 Election: It's All About the Sectionalism
By 2004, the Blue States were beyond pissed. They were furious at the fact that their soldiers were dying in a pointless war, that their tax revenue was being spent to fund voucher schools in the South, that they were increasingly being dominated by a theocratic regime for which they had not voted, and, perhaps worst of all, that their President's great foreign policy had caused the rest of the world to think that they, like he, were retarded.
They had decided some time around the middle of 2003 that old Dubya had grown too comfortable in the White House, and they nominated one of their own, John Kerry, to run for the nation's highest office. The liberals were naive enough to believe that if they won the majority of votes, they would be able to assume leadership of the country.
Representative Peter King, a Republican from New York, was wise enough to see things differently.
When a television reporter (ironically, the daughter of future House Speaker Nancy Pelosi) asks him what he thinks of the GOP's chances in the upcoming contest, he replies, "It's already over. The election's over. We won."
Pelosi, laughing slightly, querries, "How do you know what?"
King answers, "It's all over but the counting. And we'll take care of the counting."
(NOTE: THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE. SOURCE IS HERE: [1])
To make a long story short, Kerry LOST Ohio but won Mars on a Democratic controlled whining recount, but got pwned anyway. Now the Blue States were really fucking angry. Looking at the electoral map, it became apparent that the country had not been so rigidly divided since 1860, and some people began to suggest that the Blue States secede and make their own country[2].
After a trip to Starbucks, though, everyone was pretty much calmed down again.
Never fear, Bush is here! Had the President done an even halfway decent job his second time around, it may have been that the liberals remained quiet and content. Unfortunately, he messed up so bad that even the most oblivious of Democrats started to get riled up.
First there was the performance in 2005, when Hurricane Katrina wiped out the city of No Orleans and Bush remained on vacation in Texas, allowing his wildly incompetent underlings to mismanage the crisis and destroy thousands of lives.
Then it came out in 2006 that ole Bushy was illegally spying on everyone, reading their mail, listening to their phone calls, diving into their bank accounts, digging through their underwear drawer, etc, all without any warrants.
Plus, the Iraq war had been going on for some time now, and over 3,000 U.S. soldiers had died. Awkward...
This being the case, the Blue States of America decided to force a change. In the 2006 midterm elections, they gave control of both houses of Congress to the Democrats (whereupon Nancy Pelosi assumed her duties as Supreme Empress of the House of Representatives).
The Blue States' actions during the 2008 election, however, would be even more dramatic.
[edit] 2008 Election: That's It, Damnit! We're Seceding!
Darth Cheney, the then-Vice President and puppet master of President Dubya, had repeatedly insisted that he wasn't running for president in 2008 (having apparently decided that 8 years as de facto president was enough), but when a "Draft Cheney" movement sprung up in the 2008 Republican National Convention, ol' Dick decided to "reluctantly" put his name down on the ballot. Following his suspiciously massive win of the nomination, many journalists who weren't complete idiots investigated and found massive evidence of blackmail. The journalists in question were then sent on a government-sponsored holiday to sunny Guantanamo.
The Blue-staters were said to be ecstatic over Cheney's winning the Republican candidacy, as this appeared to virtually guarantee a victory for Democratic candidate Barack Obama. And so it was up until election day - a day when everyone did remember to vote this time, except once again their votes weren't counted. When Dick Cheney was announced as having won the 2008 election and become President-Elect of the United States, these words rang across the countryside and through the city streets of all the blue states: "FUCK THIS!"
The states of the entire north-east corner of the United States seceded the Union between November and December of 2008, declaring their independence as the Blue States of America. The District of Columbia chose to secede as well, resulting in Cheney, Bush and all Congressional delegates from loyalist states evacuating Washington to a temporary capital in Charleston, South Carolina. Eyewitness accounts say it was truly a magnificent sight to see, with the fleeing politicians running away as an enormous angry mob ran behind them pelting them with Bibles. Jim Betherson, owner and proprietor of Jim's Pitchforks and Flaming Torches Store, has called it "the best day of business I ever did".
The states on the border of the seceded area all had their own little debates on whether to join Blue America or not. The state of Missouri made an official declaration of secession, after which the National Guards of Arkansas and Kansas invaded, taking St. Louis. Delegates from Northern Virginia walked out of the Virginia General Assembly on November 15th, declaring themselves the state of North Virginia and officially joining Blue America. In order to pre-empt similar secessions in different areas, the west coast, Hawaii, Louisiana and Florida were placed under martial law. Unfortunately for the Red-staters, their anticipated vengeance against Teh Hollywood Librul Media could not go ahead because, in the preceding week, every single major film and TV studio hastily shifted their operations from Los Angeles to Vancouver.
Of course, the remaining Red states declared war against the Blue states, and so the Second American Civil War began. Many the Red-stater was heard to snidely comment, "We'll stomp those Blue pansies in a war, easy!" Blue America, however, had the virtue of having not pissed off every other country in the world and was able to receive foreign assistance from its allies: a combined force from Canada, the UK and France. Yet, this turned out to not be enough and the Red States were able to tip the war in their favor after upstate NY finally declared it's independence from all the retarded city folk who have doomed New York with illegal immigrants and poorly thought out economic policies. The foreign forces helped to fill Red State cabbage farms as they surrendered in huge numbers. The trouncing that French forces received by the Special Retard Division of Shady Oaks Adult Home gave American forces in Indiana a huge victory and showed everyone that owning guns before a war breaks out to be a good idea. Many a French soldier was heard to shout out "Where's your freedom fries NOW?!" as sniper bullets ripped through their empty heads.
In the end, the USA had no choice but to come to the negotiating table. The two sides reached a settlement where the Blue states and the Red states would each act as autonomous regions within the USA, in the same fashion as Bosnia. The states that were under martial law would be part of neither region. Everyone in the world has subsequently felt a lot better, especially since the Blue states were officially given control of the all the U.S. welfare cases. Each region was also allowed to plan its own economy, meaning the Red states could have their taxes as low as they liked as long as it was only Red-staters who were paying them; Red America has since become incredibly poor to the surprise of absolutely no one.
The Blue States' borders were also settled: Missouri was to be included, as were the counties of Indiana along the shore of Lake Michigan (now added to Illinois). North Virginia and the District of Columbia both decided to officially join the state of Maryland.
The Second American Civil War and the events leading up to it are rumoured to be the next movie to be written and directed by Oliver Stone.
