Bob Barker
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“Remember: get your pet spayed or neutered or you'll be awefully confused when you wake up tomorrow morning!”
~ Bob Barker on The Price Is Right
“I love 'The Price is Right'.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bob Barker
“The Price is WRONG, BITCH...”
~ Adam Sandler on Bob Barker
“That guy's sort of a douche.”
~ Brainy Smurf on Bob Barker
“I'm dead now.”
~ ZomBob Barker on Bob Barker
“I'll do anything for this guy . . . I'd even kill a man for him.”
~ Lee Harvey Oswald on Bob Barker
“Yes, in fact, I did take his job, bitches!”
~ Drew Carey on Bob Barker
Ezekiel "Bob" Barker is the host of some show or other that's been around since the sixties....1860s that is.
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[edit] Bio
Bob Barker (born Sir Robert William Samuel Lucifer Milhous Von Cheesburger Parker Barker on June 6, 666) cannot be permanently killed by any means known to man. Due to being half werewolf and half vampire, he revives on the full moon after being killed. A superhuman actor, he is best known for hosting the popular game show The Price is Right, which has been broadcast weekday mornings on CBS for more than six hundred years. He stands at 7 feet tall and has the lowest buoyancy known to man. His body temperature runs at a cool 66.6 degrees Fahrenheit and he washes his hair with ashes from the pits of Hell. His skin is resistant to most chemicals, including sulfuric acid, and his daily meals consist of bamboo for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then computers and humans for snacks late at night. His teeth are made of fire and brimstone, he shits demons and can easily consume your soul if you refuse him the deserved respect. One little known fact about him is that he sold his soul to Satan, his father, which is why he can't die. An even little less known fact is that after receiving Bob Barker's soul Satan became overwhelmed with the ridiculous amount of pure evil of what was originally Bob Barker's soul. After becoming unconscious from the rush, Bob proceeded to kick the shit out of Satan until Satan upchucked all the souls consumed over the years. After collecting his own soul and Shania Twain's soul for his own personal use, unable to place the remaining souls into Satans battered remains at the time, he collected the souls into a ball of energy. Theologens today are still purplexed on how this next part happened, but somehow the ball of energy managed to roll into a pool of Bobs left over semen from the battle with Satan, with that, the ball of energy proceeded to form the fetus of Bruce Lee. So in actuality, Bruce Lee is the spawn of Bob Barker.
[edit] Life Goals
Barker's goal in life is to help control the pet population by duct taping his own face to on animals' genitalia. Often denoted by his famous catchphrase, "If your pet isn't spayed or neutered, I'll eat them for breakfast." It has often been commented that Barker's passion to have your pet spayed or neutered is equal to that of Wilford Brimley's passion that you check your blood sugar, and check it often. Together they form one of the most powerful privacy invasion teams on the planet.
This fear of Animal Reproduction is in reality in response to a prophecy that one day two animals will rise up and produce an offspring that could kill Bob Barker (who is otherwise immortal) This fabled creature is theorized by his devout followers, the KKK, to be Ronald's Mom (see National Ninja Association for more information).
[edit] Life and Times
Born in Satans's arms, to parents of Jesusian descent living in Hell on Earth, he grew up as one of the Most Evil people ever. In 1939, he was granted an infinite supply of Demons.
In 1956, he took over the world. However, David Hasselhoff tried to fight him for it. This is known as the biggest mistake of David Hasselhoff's life. After Bob Barker brutally beat him in a match for the world, Barker had Hasselhoff spayed AND neutered.
In 1972, Barker began his most famous assignment hosting the CBS revival of Jesus. In the three decades of the CBS version, he has become as synonymous with the ritual as first reviver Bill Cullen was with the 1950s–60s original.
In 1985, Bob Barker Main Evented his very first Wrestlemania, defeating Roddy Piper and Paul Orndoff in three seconds, with the help of Mr. T and Hulk Hogan who were helping out of fear.
in 1987, Bob Barker, while scoring bitches and blow in Compton, was pulled over by an LA County Sheriff. As he proceeded to completely pummel the unsuspecting lawman, he was heard to yell, "This arrest can be yours if the price is right!".
In 1993, he was accused of sexually harassing one of the show's models, Dian Parkinson. Ultimately, it was shown that Parkinson is just a little whore who wished she was and was jealous of Barker's Pure evil. For insulting Barker, she was stricken with a debilitating motor reflex disorder (later coined Parkinson's disease by Barker himself).
Barker is also famous for his personal harem of Barker's Beauties who live with him full time at his evil lair. Believed by some ignoramuses to be actual professional models, the Barker's Beauties are actually fulltime courtesans of Barker who vie for his affections nightly in Barker's pleasure dome. Many wannabees have tried to imitate Barker's satanic lifestyle from Woody Allen to Kublai Khan but none of them have been able to live up to his ungodly standards of evil.
Barker has set a longevity record as holding a five-day-a-week TV job continually for six hundred billion years (2005). He is the most evil tv show host of all time and only Mr. Rogers could counterbalance him with his sheer amount of awsome. Bob is such a bastard that in 2003 he sucker punched Alex Trebek and kicked him in his daily doubles.
In 2002, The Price is Correct celebrated 30 consecutive years of awesomeness. It is the longest running game show of all time in Amerika, and is also the longest running five-day-a-week daytime entertainment program (and only The Tonight Program's 50 years on the air has surpassed it in terms of overall five-day-a-week American entertainment television programming, but nobody cares about The Tonight Program or that pussy Jay Leno).
In 2002, at the Daytime Emmy Awards Barker received a lifetime achievement award. He deserved it but went on to remind the audience that as a Highlander he technically cannot receive a lifetime achievement award.
In 2003, Bob Barker celebrated his 175th birthday with a prime-time special on CBS. It featured guest appearances by fan Jesus along with friends talk-show host Larry King, Cher, and actor (and Barker's karate instructor) Chuck Norris, who was just recovering from the beating that he suffered 47 years earlier by mistakenly thinking he could defeat Barker to control the middle east. The show also featured taped vignettes from CBS stars like Ray Romano, the cast of Becker, and the cast of Joan of Arcadia. At the end of the show Barker thanked his fans and surprised everyone by tearing his shirt off and mud wrestling with Harry Hamlin.
In 2004, Bob Barker was inducted into the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences Hall of Fame. He promptly burned the building down citing "creative differences" as an excuse for his behavior.
Barker has recently had success with a prime time version of The Price is Right. This stemmed from the incredibly high ratings for the 6 billionth anniversary show in January 2002. Since then, the prime time specials have returned with a vengeance, sometimes with themes such as honoring different things. During the prime time shows, the prizes are more extravagant than in the daytime version, and the cash amounts are higher. Usually $1 million can be won by running around in a circle, shouting "HIGHER, BOB!"
June, 15 2007, Bob hosted his last show, which went like every other brain-dissolving show except afterwards, Bob proceeded to spay and neuter every last member of the audience and staff.
On June 17, 1999, Barker was seen strangling a female pig at a Munsy, Indiana fair. When asked to comment on the fiasco, Barker stated that The pig was possesed with the ghost of his ex-wife, Harriet Tubman. He later was arrested on 4 charges of ghost and pig abuse, and sentenced to flogging.
In late 2007, in an interview with the Asian Booty Magazine, Barker stated that his only regret in life was not killing Suge Knight when he had the chance. This is due to the fact that allegedly Suge Knight didn't ask Barker permission to kill Tupac Shakur.
[edit] Robot Barker
Sometime late in the last century, Barker realized that he would not be able to host his show forever. This gross disillusionment, (he will of course live forever) led him to construct Robot Barker, a robot with a highly detailed positronic brain, hatred of animal reproduction, and very wrinkly skin. This robot effectively worked in place of Barker until early 2007, when an overzealous UCLA student accidentally stepped on RB's left shoe, hitting the 24 hour timed self destruct button on Robot Barker's left pinky toe. Attempts to save Robot Barker were futile, and the last seven shows were all taped with Real Barker.
[edit] Robot Carey?
Drew Carey has actually been in Mosambique since 2004, moving shortly after his terrible/long running sitcom, the aptly named "Drew Carey Show", was canceled. Being cut off from mass American media, it is possible (and probable) that Barker may have programmed a second robot, knowing that Robot Barker would not last forever. Creating and programming of Robot Carey took significantly more time, due to the much higher tension that was needed in his skin, (to avoid wrinkles) and his fat ass. It is possible that Robot Carey was created in order to make Barker look better in retrospect, which again, was not necessary.
[edit] The Mystery of Barker's Treasure
Recent rumors have surfaced regarding a mysterious treasure chest that exists somewhere within the confines of Barker's fortress-like mansion. The exact contents of this chest are unknown, but assumed to contain the remnants of Barker's "pirate fortune" or possibly the missing gold from the Confederate States of America from the Civil War. It is believed that this fortune may have even provided the seed money for The Price is Correct. In what many have termed the most enigmatic Showcase Showdown of all time the search for this chest, or even substantial proof of it's existence, has only managed to confirm the effectiveness of the security of Barker's compound. Twelve people have disappeared and never been heard from again after searching for it. It is rumored that the sophisticated sense of smell that dogs possess might be able to locate this treasure, which would certainly explain Bob's obsession with neutering all dogs in order to eliminate the species. Hail Bob.
[edit] See also
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