Bob the Builder
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I believe that this evil man is the one who built the chamber of secrets...”
~ Snape on Bob
“He still hasn't finished my en suite.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bob
“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”
~ The Daleks on Bob the Builder
“I believe he built the Nazi death camps!”
~ Harry S. Truman on Bob the Builder
Bob "the Builder" Dole aka Hiram Abiff (b.1914- ) is quite possibly the most evil man in the world and he is also related to Adolf Hitler. I mean, have a look at the salute he is pulling off. It is especially for retards Seriously, have you ever seen a Jewish guy on the show? (Right next to Benedict Arnold Carver and Larry King, anyways.) Just look at his beady little 2-D eyes. Evil, I tells ya! He also rapes his little machine buddies. Married to your grandmother, he likes to do her so much that she walks funny. And you thought it was just old age! His good clone, Bob Destructo, wields a penis gun that shoots blood that can give epople AIDs.
Bob is recognized as the first architect to incorporate fractally generated and designed support mechanisms in large-scale public buildings, allowing exponential increases in size while keeping budgets within reasonable practicality.
He is also completely related to the world-renown pornographic film celebrity Bob Dole, no matter how much he tries to convince everyone hes not.
Contents |
[edit] Bobography
[edit] Bob Begins
Bob the Builder was born Robert Walker Morgenstern in the humble little hamlet of Barris Lake, Colorado a small town with an unpronounceable name, which sounds a bit like a gugling koala. (If you want to discuss the nomenclature of insignificant villages with your family or friends, 2 weeks on Sunday would be the perfect time.) In his earlier years, he developed friendships with inanimate objects that he swore talked back to him. One of which was a bulldozer he affectionately named "Mephistopheles."
Bob and Mepho (That was what Bob nicknamed Mephistopheles. This is mostly because I don't want to write out Mephistopheles every frickin' time Mephistopheles decides to show up. Besides, it'd get redundant if you had to read Mephistopheles more than five times.) both decided to take over the world. Starting with Ohio... after lunch... maybe. But then the labor unions came in and Bob ended up on perpetual coffee breaks with little ambition to do anything, as he kept getting wage increases for doing little or no work. As the United States Industries went to hell in a hand-basket, Bob eventually built up to a $38-an-hour job before he was laid off permanently.
Bob developed an almost immediate interest in construction, and by the age of 3 he had built the now-famous Acropolis, noted for its extensive use of natural materials and the random disappearance of Mr. T. At the age of 7, Bob won a prestigious scholarship to the D'Institute Nationale de Architektura in Bogota, Colombia, where he immediately began rattling the cages of the stodgy, dogmatic instructors by dazzling them with breathtaking designs offering dramatic movements and counter-intuitive structural features. then he later went on to marry the lovely Veronica Hernandez where they lived happily ever after.
now for something completely different...
its time.........
for the return of.....
the.......
Sith.......
tomarrow evening at 9
[edit] The Horror Comes to an End
By 1982, Bob had torched most of the eastern United States, yet he was hungry for more. So he decided to go to Franco-Scottish Commonwealth. Because France-Scotland sounded like a good place to go (Bob's Ecstasy finally kicked in). Bob tried to take a flight out-of-country with Mepho by his side. When he got to the front desk, he was turned away. Apparently, Mepho was too large to be a carry-on.
Sad and rejected, Bob formulated a plan to get to Franco-Scottish Commonwealth. He would retrofit Mepho with wings and propellers. Then, he would find an alternate fuel for Mepho that wouldn't dry up as fast. Then (POW!) that's when some FBI dudes tackled him. Just as well, because while Bob did not know it, France hasn't built anything since before WWII, when they learned that if you roll over and let the Nazis come in and bang you from behind, they will actually build things while you sit around drinking wine all day while bitching about the United States and other countries in fake accents just because they think it sounds better than their actual accent which is really a blend of Australian and Dog. Most French only use their own language when they are having sex or when they are talking of their imaginary friends "foreigners".
[edit] Bob Got Served... a Summons
After a very short time in court (The jury said he was guilty before the judge even got there.), Bob was sent to prison. He started an e-mail relationship with Dora the Explorer which soon led to conjugal visits, and later on, marriage. All we have to worry about now is when Bob breaks out of jail. He's gonna do it one day. You watch. He has access to a map and a backpack. And his beady little eyes are burning with hatred... and he knows that Thomas the Tank Engine and the Chav tugs will get along very, very nicely...
Bob "The Builder" Morgenstern (right) breaks ground at the site of the new Butte Superdome.
Bob The Builder is a notably squat and frightening looking homunculus, known best for his attempt at Babel to rival God in the area of construction. God banished him to the World of Claymation, Animatronics and Talking Vehicles. There he lives out his days in a barely suppressed mania, forever doomed to entertain small children and deal with ever more complicated local building ordinances.
[edit] Breakdown
In 1992, Bob suffered what close friends call an "episode," in which is believed himself to be chosen by an extraterrestrial sentient supercomputer in orbit named "Valis," to construct a bridge from the Earth to its small companion moon, Toro. Bob was confined to the Pennsylvania Home for the Complete Batshit for 14 months. In order to feel better, he attacked Chicago. He used an army of remote-controlled steam-rollers and a fuzzy toy koala. Each is programmed to go to one end of a street. Eventually there is a steam-roller at each end of every street. The steam-rollers then roll down each side of the road. To avoid being crushed by the steam-rollers, the people on the street run into the buildings. He then used remote-controlled bulldozers to demolish the buildings (The koala just sat there looking cute. It was run over by a steam-roller.). After razing Chicago he covered it with quick-drying cement.
Now he is in his own show which is very unpopular. The show started when he was released from jail after a two day sentence for destroying Chicago.
[edit] Bobs Comic Career
Bob The Builder has also been popular in comic books, and once was featured in an episode of the X-Men where he banged Rogue - causing Rogue to begin a horrific building spree that caused the creation of no less than 10 Wal-Marts. It took the combined powers of all of the X-Men along with Gambit's sex appeal to stop her from creating capitalistic Armageddon. He also built a really sweet coffee table for Spiderman once.
He then later joined the Justice League to help fight his natural enemies the creepy talking scarecrows of Papua New Guinea, he built their ultra-cool base, but was later ostracised as he was useful for nothing else.
After 12 Years, he featured in his very own Spin-Off (Not to be confused with his guest appearance in Spin-City) where it was discovered that his brain was actually a supercomputer that is extremely photosensitive. Hence the protective hat. (Even though photosensitive is to do with the eyes). He was almost invincible, but his only weaknesses were gamma rays and kryptonite, hence his fear of them. He fought in the crusades, and is credited for the deaths of over 1,000 heretics.
[edit] Rolly the Steamroller
Rolly is actually Satan's personal vehicle that was only lent to Bob. Bob has no intentions of returning the diabobical machine to his true owner, and prefers to run over people with his huge front wheel very slowly, listening to them scream. He sings terrible songs while he runs over people such as- Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Rock and roll soccer! Burn in hell suckers!
“And his eyes... the blank, vacant eyes! AAAAAAAAAA! (runs away.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Roley
“Dammit, I want my steamroller back!”
~ Satan on Roley
[edit] Bobs Personal Life
Bob lives in a 13-storey house made of plasterboard, and insulated with glass-wool. His garage has been reported to have been used for many purposes, including but not limited to:
- Bob is a member of the Japanese mafia, as is his good chum, Postman Pat, and donates his garage for meetings, fund raisers and sleepovers.
- Regular Poker nights with Darth Hitler, Chuck Norris and The Monkees.
- Bob also has a Saw-like dungeon in which he brutally tortures Keebler-elfs, Dwarfs, and Jennifer Aniston lookalikes.
- Bob is a male stripper at a local nightclub away in Claymationland.
- Bob once killed a koala. He has been mentally scared for life.
- On Friday the 13 Bob vanishes and becomes SUPER BOB selling rotten pie at discount prises.
- bob actually raped wendy once
There have been many rumours about Bob's sexuality, and despite belief, he is not gay, nor has he had sex with Christina Aguilera. The rumour about him and Angelina Jolie is in fact true but Bob broke Angelina's heart when she asked to marry him. His response was "Bitch I know you ain't just asked me to marry you!". Angelina then ran away crying and got hooked on adopting underprivileged children and getting them magazine deals. how the weekends bob lets out is love for nature, even though he kills every things that looks at him in it. 
[edit] Selected Episodes
Bob's First Episode. It's his first episode. Duh.
Muck Gets Fucked: Dizzy and Muck have some hot girl-on girl action. Later, Bob and Scoop masturbate to it.
What's Wrong Dizzy?: Roley and Scoop wonder why Dizzy's so stoned today.
Bob and the Funeral: Mr. Potts is ran over by Roley, explaining why Mrs. Potts is alone for the rest of the series.
Roley and the Killing Spree: Roley kills all of the little forest animals. And he just laughs...
Brokeback Barn: Travis notices that Farmer Pickles and Spud have grown closer these days...
Scoop's Signs: After Muck pisses of Scoop, he gives her a hand signal everybody knows.
Lofty and the Happy Pills: In a fit of depression, Lofty overdoses on pills and is rushed to the auto repair shop. Oscar Wilde guest stars.
Sing-Along Bird: Bob plays Guitar Hero, and now Bird wants to play... (First appearance of Bob's Rifle)
Bird Gets Pwnzorzed: The sequel to Sing-Along Bird. Final appearance of Bird for the remainder of the season.
Shut the Fuck Up, Mr. Bently: Bob and Mr. Bently have a bar fight. Spud places bets.
Muck's Moods: Muck suffers from violent mood swings, until a psychologist shows up.
Bob Snaps at Dizzy: 'Nuff said.
Scoop Saves the Day: He really didn't but everybody was too busy to care.
Bob Meets Hitler: He meets Adolf Hitler and makes out.
Spud Sleeps Around: In the followup to "Brokeback Barn", Spud breaks his commitment to Farmer Pickles and reveals his bisexuality by making love to Wendy.
Naughty Spud: Spud gets a subscription to a hentai magazine. He loves it (obviously).
All Your Base Are Belong to Bob: Dizzy plays too much Zero Wing, so Bob sets her up the bomb. For great justice.
Bob vs. the Constructicons: Can Bob and the gang destroy Hook, Mixmaster, Scrapper, and the rest of the gang when they combine?
- This is a rhetorical question.
[edit] Constructions
- Rome
- Hoover Dam
- Paris Hilton
- Sidewalks
- Those Little Rotating Tables in Japanese Restaurants
- Uranus
- Trump Tower
- The Tower of Babel
- Atlantis
- Omaha
- The Taj Mahal
- The Star Wars Cantina
- Pikachu
- The Chunnel
- Venus
- Your Mum
- The Eurotunnel
- The pearly white gates of heaven
- Oscar Wilde (You cannot have an uncyclopedia list without him/her/it on it}
- Naruto
- Jimbo Wales
- Yoshi's Island
- Germany's Third Empire
- God
- The Great Wall of China
- Legoland
- Constantinople
- LazyTown
- Yoshi!! (actually quoted by him, in a helium-enhanced voice)
[edit] Arch-nemesis
- The primary arch-nemeses of Bob the Builder are Mr. T, carpenter, and Super Mario, plumber.
- Invader Zim, also a builder of some note, responsible for creating a duplicate of the Irken Fleet.
- Bob has developed a severe dislike for the Teletubbies as they stole his idea of having televisions installed in people's chests, Bob got them back by grassing them up to the tabloids about Tinky Winky's and Po's liking for cocaine induced
- he is the ally of drekand you.
- The Yakuza, which are primarily responsible for cutting off Bob's pinkies.
