Bollywood
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“ Wow. These movies are more suggestive than mine...”
~ Jenna Jameson on Bollywood
Contents |
[edit] Film Content
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Genres within Bollywood are highly complex and diverse. They may range from simple love stories, to epic love stories, to love stories with many different love triangles, to slightly epic loves stories. A typical example would be boy meets girl, strict father finds out, girl is locked away then kills herself (mainly due to intolerable pain of heartbreak and thrashings from the father). Bollywood films are often known for the frequent sacrificing of the main story with a 10 minute song and dance routine in every 5 second interval. The timing of the songs can be quite appropriate (i.e. person dies- lets have a boogie!) These are usually filmed (but not limited to) in the rain, in the mountains of Switzerland, in a gaudy mansion, in the mountains of Switzerland, at a wedding, in America (for some reason) or in the mountains of Switzerland. Of course, in Bollywood, one only needs to do the wild dance to create babies.
[edit] Cast and crew
Many popular actors work in Bollywood. Here is a list of their various names.
- Chunky La Funga
- Harman Aulakh
- Ashwhorehouse Rye
- Smeeta Smitten Showbiz Kitten
- Raju Chacha
- Madori Dipshit
- Zayeeeeeed Khan
- Aamir Khan
- Pretty Ugly Zithead
- Sharook Khan
- Mitur Binesderty
- Genghis Khan
- Kublai Khan
- Rainy Macaroniji
- Amytabh Bitchin
- Bitchassa Busu
- Eric Cartman
- Kidkick Kosher
- Iran Bash'me
- Vishnu, the almighty god
- Ganesh, the elephant diety
- Kumar Patel
- Sacred Hindu cow
- Deve Gowda
- Kevin Bacon
- Some random farmer guy
- Outsour Singh
- The Kapoop Family
- George Clooney
- Osama bin Laden
- Herminder Purtervalla
- Benny Lava
- Shilpa Poppadom
- Jade Goody
- Korean Kapoop
- Shite Kapoop
- Deepukkachukka Padukone
- Pri-wanka Chopper
- Salmon Khan
[edit] Finances
The entire GDP of India is often used to create Bollywood movies. This may amount to a total of 2.50 in US dollars at times for the most expensive productions.
One thing people often fail to realize is how effective a tool this can be for raising money. Sometimes, Bollywood movies that have made their way to other parts of the world make as much as 7.50 in US dollars, after taxes. This enables India to pay for even better fans to blow actresses' hair around while they just stand in front of the camera.
[edit] Rules of Bollywood
1. The story must be about romance. No questions. To give the villagers who watch these movies a twist, try adding as many love triangles as possible, and even love rectangles, if more than two actors are in the film. Love dodecahedrons may be a possibility.
2. Sharook Khan and Amytabh Bitchin must be in the movie. Otherwise, there might be a protest or a strike.
3. The male "hero" must be Muslim, and the female "heroin" must be Hindu. Such available male actors include Aaaaaamir Khan, Salmon Khan, Zayeeeeeed Khan, Safe Ally Khan, Abishit Butchan, Farteen Khan and Sharook Khan. Female actresses include Ashwarehouse Rye, Pretty Ugly Zithead, Bitchassa Busu, Madori Dipshit, Uh,me?SHA! Paddle, and Rainy Macaroniji. This is so the Hindu-Muslim population ratio is balanced and no conflicts result, so a partition doesn't occur after watching "Raju Chacha." Also, the Kapoop family, which includes millions of actors, have the largest family as possible for the director's convenience.
4. Every movie must have 10 songs. In the corresponding videos, Sharook Khan must raise his hands in the air as if to hug noone in particular but everyone in general, followed by curling his eyebrows in unusual positions (triangular positions are highly favorable, to remind the audience of the numerous love triangles) followed by running his finger inexplicably through his hair.
5. It is mandatory that every movie have at least one scene where the hero punches the air ten feet in front of the bad guy to the sound of a small firecracker, only to send him flying off in the wrong direction due to complex shockwaves created by his badass expression.
6. All movies must be rated FFTTI (fun for the typical indian), so directors don't lose money if video material is unsuitable for particular audiences. (They can walk out AFTER they pay for the ticket, the directors don't give a crap as long as they have money to bring curry to the table.)
7. Make sure actresses giggle and toss their hair constantly to seduce interviewers. Classes to learn how to do so are held every other ten years, instucted by Pretty Ugly Zithead, who has years of experience.
8. Bollywood is frequently pronounced "bawl-e-vud", as it is mandatory that each movie has at least one scene where the old ladies bawl their eyes out. The young ladies do that just as well
9. Their must be at least one scene where the young lovers stare soulfully into each others' eyes, each hoping that the other will pay for dinner, while fans (financed by the profits of previous movies) blow the heroines hair around.
10. The main actors must, and this is compulsory, mix hindi and english together (=hinglish). When speaking english it must be in a dodgy american accent(not really american, mostly an indian kidnapped from a call centre to sound american). Theories have arose as to the purpose of this, many believe it is to kiss the ass of Hollywood, moreover to copy hollywood.
11. Any actors in the movie who are not of indian origin, especially caucasians, must speak in an american accent. The accent produced must be out of tone and style with the rest of the cast.
12. Each main and supporting character of the film must have a minimum of 327 back-up dancers respective of the gender.
13. If you are Karan Johar, then your movies' title MUST start with the letter K and also be titled after a song from one of your previous movies...which also start with K.
14. If you are David Dhawan, then your movies MUST be a cheap rip-off of Hollywood comedy movies such as Anger Managment and Hitch.
[edit] Rules for Selecting Bollywood Leads
Selecting the leads for any Bollywood movie is no easy task. There are so many complex criteria to be met -
[edit] The Hero
Must be...
1. Fair-skinned.
2. Muscular.
3. Fair-skinned.
4. Hindi-speaking.
5. Fair-skinned.
6. Constantly reaffirming his patriotism with long speeches and songs
7. Fair-skinned.
8. Able to prance around in a few tight clothes...in the Swiss Alps. This has led to many Bollywood leads suffering from hypothermia.
9. Fair-skinned.
10. Sporting permanent stubble of some sort.
11. Fair-skinned.
12. Running around with a loose jacket which is constantly thrown off to reveal his sleeveless shirt and muscular arms. He must also run around without a shirt a lot. As you've probably guessed, this hasn't helped the hypothermia situation very much...
13. Able to punch people so hard that they start bleeding - from 13 feet away.
14. Hair must be floppy in order to blow in all directions when chasing, a villain, train or girl
=
[edit] The Heroin Addict*
Must be...
1. Fair-skinned.
2. Muscular.
3. Fair-skinned.
4. Hindi-speaking.
5. Fair-skinned.
6. Constantly reaffirming her patriotism and chastity/virginity with long speeches and songs.
7. Fair-skinned.
8. Able to prance around in tight clothes - again, in the Swiss Alps, and spin around while maintaining her balance on an icy precipice, all while smiling into a camera.
9. Fair-skinned.
10. Fair-skinned
11. Fair-skinned
12. Hot
13. Slightly Hotter
14. Unable to act
15. Wear only Handkerchiefs (Two at a time)
16. Dance (unless half naked)
17. Fair-skinned
[edit] Science of Bollywood
There are no specific rules, of course, although general guidelines include:
- Punches must sound like small firecrackers.
- Guns must also sound like small firecrackers.
- The villain must be unshaven. Better still, he'll have a beard.
- The cue for the villain's defeat is when he crashes into a fruit stall.
- Amitabh Bitchin has his own rules.
- Mysterious music pops up from nowhere, which everyone hears (perfectly synchronised), and the ability to dance in time to it is miraculously granted to all bystanders.
- If you are a hero, you can jump from any building no matter how much high, you will not get a scratch & you can continue running after that.
- If you are hero, you cannot die without saying a long 15minute dialogue no matter how injured you are.
- If you're the heroine, you must sit there for fifteen minutes hiccuping and listening to your dying lover's speech, instead of calling the ambulence. Dumb bitch.
- The hero will, after fighting with at least 10,000 villans, come out without so much of a scratch
